Words Of Acceptance

I had quite a day today blog, on multiple levels: I began acquiring a higher level of responsibility, in that I started on a new project that my bosses handed me, and I had a deep interpersonal conversation with Amanda.

At work, I have been filing orders in a flurry, but rarely make mistakes. I have a few, but as that quantity indicates, they must be a fraction of everyone else’s. Anyway, this distinction was earned by completing another project that was handed me late last week, which I knocked out in two days. They summoned me back to take on a much more involved task. It was going to be quite elaborate (at first) because they initially wanted me to call dozens of locations. But instead, they are just building a spreadsheet where they can keep track of the errors. I am now the guy stepping up to solve the problem. And boy do I like that destination. I’m rising to the top, and I am attempting to win them over both heart and mind. I will be one of the brave who venture far from home to get paintballed. I’m going to get my ass kicked, but I’m sure as hell going to give it my best shot. As a resolve, I will exercise vigorously from tomorrow morning and going forward, because I’m not going from “totally sedentary” to “battle mode” in one day. So even if it is a couple weeks off, I sure as hell better prepare, or I am going to get owned. And I’d like to put up some kind of fight. I will not yield, even here.

Today Amanda and I got to talking about the specifics of my instability, which has resulted in three hospitalizations, two divorces, two suicide attempts, and one partner arrested for assault. And countless traumas, some self inflicted, I had endured. I told her everything: the tipping points, the things I went through, and there is still so much to say. I have had a past stained by terrible mistakes, and hidden memories. A lot of my past, I don’t want to remember. But it’s still in there, regardless. Amanda looked at me, and you know what she said? When I told her about how I always stay on top of my meds:

Thats really good. Proud of you

So that was really meaningful. Because even though I was flinging deadly projectiles at her, she held her ground. I’m impressed. My response: Amanda, wow, thank you.

She deals with 400% more suffering than I do, and she puts together a respectable life while raising a son. If you put me in that position, I would shrivel up and die. She carries far more than I ever will, and she does it with a sense of humor and a smile. No matter how hard it gets, she can slip right in amidst the regulars and hold her own. To have her respect is huge, as I am amazed by how she manages to hold it all together. I know she suffers sometimes, and all I can think about is how I’d like to be there for her when that happens, and sympathize with her pain. And let her know that no matter how dark it gets, I will be the candle behind her shoulder. At least, this is my hope. That we could make a great team, as we storm our way back into normalcy and live our independent lives. I think that I still have a lot of questions, because I don’t know Amanda well enough to build a general profile, an understanding of who she is. But these things will take time to uncover, and I’m really great with that. I hope I am right about where I feel things are headed, but much of that story remains to be written.

I had therapy with Margaret this morning, and that went super well. She told me her daughter has bipolar disorder, type 2 (just like mine). I am glad they are figuring it out now, so they can discuss treatment options. Because the road to finding the drugs that work for you is long and full of strife. But it is one we all take, we mentally ill united. She can still lead a great life, if she makes her illness the priority.

So for now I say goodnight blog. And happy hump day for us all.