I had Tuesday off, as we are going through the process of scaling back overtime at work. The bosses want to eliminate as many overtime hours as possible, and the only way to do that is to have people who work the weekends take a day off (unpaid) and get down to 40 hours. So that’s why I had a random weekday to rest; I’m taking one for the team, who’s long-term viability I care about more than 1 fat paycheck. I stayed up late Tuesday night and that was a mistake. I was not ready to wake up when my alarm went off Wednesday morning, and I was slow and boring at therapy. I didn’t have much to say, other than that I am being careful with my feelings, and generally doing well. I am succeeding at work and achieving balance in my personal life. My feelings for Amanda continue to grow, as I become more familiar with who she is. I have horrible Jax nightmares sometimes, more so lately. I think that my mind is still processing all the frayed ends of my feelings on her, while instigating new growth into a sensitive area. I know that what I’m doing now I do with both understanding and gladness. Dreams are more mysterious and subversive, and their ultimate goal is just to recycle memories. I can’t take anything there too seriously, but it is distressing to awake to sobs of sadness, as I have done.

And now for a check in:

On a scale of 1 to 10 (1 = serious problem, 10 = not a problem), rate the following:

Emotional Health: 9

Physical Depression Symptoms: 8

Physical Anxiety Symptoms: 10

Racing Thoughts: 9

Depressed Thoughts: 10

Self-Esteem: 9

Concentration: 7

Enthusiasm: 9

Charisma: 10

Motivation: 7

Paranoia / Fear / Anxiety: 9

Outlook / Hope: 9


I’d say my grogginess and slowness of thought have bothered me some. I can normally function at a higher level, but lately it’s been rougher. My energy is low. My depressed thoughts are affecting my sleep. I’m having a harder time sorting through the muck. Coffee addresses nothing regardless of quantity. I’m sure that this is a temporary slump that will correct itself in time. For now, I just plan to get some extra sleep.