Score: +2

Today there were quite a few people just standing around doing nothing and talking to each other about this or that. Meanwhile, there were 15 – 25 open help tickets in Kana that no one was working. Except me. I hammered out 6 of them, with another 7 assigned to me while I wait for progress to be made before closing out the issue. All these freeloaders have access to Kana, they just don’t do anything with it. They would prefer to socialize and make jokes all day. I could argue against myself and say that when they get a call, they take it and, hopefully, get the issue resolved. But I don’t even know if I can stand by that claim. Chap is SO BAD on the phones it hurts. It physically makes me cringe when I hear him on a call. He gets hung up on a lot, because people just get tired of trying to get anything done with him. It’s sad, and doesn’t help our public image.

To the point: there was a drought of calls, and instead of waiting around for my turn to take an incoming problem, I worked as many Kana tickets as I could and the day zoomed by while I kept myself busy. I don’t know if anyone is taking notice. I don’t think I care whether they are or not; I’m doing this for me. I can’t abide boredom, and especially in the face of having actual things to do, if not indirectly. I have to make an effort to assign the ticket to myself and dial out to the store with the issue. I must also have the skills to address the problem and present a resolution. I was trained to do all of that, and so were twelve others. But I’m the only one being proactive and getting shit done instead of standing around talking. Albeit, it’s way easier to do nothing, but it’s not rewarding. For me, this is a matter of pride: I seek meaning to my life by doing things to promote a healthy mental state. Part of my difficulties in the past stemmed from self-hatred. I truly despised the person I was. I had no respect for him, only disdain. So in light of that very recent state of mind, I have endeavored to build myself back up by doing real things that provide me with a sense of worth. No matter the context, I am actively trying to build a positive self image, one that I love and believe in. Working hard has provided me with a great deal of benefit in this regard.

Today was all about doing things and not being asked to do them. Everyone else walked past chance, and I took it. Don’t I have to? I mean, how can I feel good about myself if I know I vacated responsibility just to socialize all day long? There would be no reward in the moment, and only regret thereafter.

I’m done ranting. It’s been a busy day. I felt good this morning. Rested. Unlike yesterday where I felt oppressively tired. Tomorrow is Friday. Saturday I have breakfast with Amanda and Tristan again, then we are going to the park. The rocks come out of the barrels, and there is also some repair work to do on the tumblers. I have already bought the replacement components. I have chores I need to do Saturday as well, because I work Sunday. I requested Monday off, and I will be spending that day with Amanda. She has the holiday, and I saw that as a great opportunity to spend some quality time with her. My feelings continue to grow, and I’m doing the best I can not to repeat my past with the haste of emotional newness. Things are happening. I have always gone rushing into love, and that way of doing things has had rather disappointing results. So I’m exercising patience in my relationship with Amanda, and I will let someone other than my heart be in the driver’s seat.

Have a good night blog. First score published today. One of many to come.