Onward, Upward

Score: +3

It’s Friday, and I am going to have lots of fun on my day off. I’m having breakfast with Amanda and then she, Tristan and I are all going to the park together. I miss her. These long weeks where we are relegated to just texting are tough. But it’s the best we can do, given the situation. And I am still grateful to have some contact, as opposed to none. Things in my life are looking up. Work has been consistent and rewarding. My mental health has been good, and continuing to show signs of strength and stability. I have no complaints at this time.

I’m going to see my parents tonight at their RV. I like going over there when they are actually here in town. Soon they will be far away, and I will not have the opportunity to spend time with them.

All things considered, I’m doing well. I continue to improve in areas that I need to, and am cautiously minding my steps into the future. I realize that it could all change in a moment, that one mistake in my personal life could dramatically change the landscape. I can’t afford to be hasty when so much is depending on me and my stability. That’s really why I appreciate Amanda: she is helping me find the right speed for our relationship. I’ve rushed into things before and ruined them. I will not let that happen this time.

So I know today is not officially over, but I’m thinking my score would only go up from here if measured later when I’m stoned.

Have a good afternoon/night.

**UPDATED 10:00 pm **

Hello. I hear the sound of wind blowing through trees, and rustling leaves. The crisp hot of the desert starves the air of all moisture.

We live in such a strange climate. Most of the rest of the northern hemisphere is going through a real winter. We have had two rainstorms with measurable quantities, and a bit of drizzle. Which accumulates. It takes a big fucker to get all the way down to 32.7 degrees from the equator and still have enough left in it to give us some rain. The desert southwest indeed. I’m not complaining, mind you. Look at me nattering in about meteorology.

I’m alone in my apartment about to call it a night. I’m having a fun adventure day tomorrow. But then I must work 6:00 am to 3:00 pm Sunday. It’s my dad’s birthday tomorrow! He’s turning 60. Big time numbers. I hope to live as long and longer. I project the end of my usefulness come mid 80s because my body will be on the verge of total failure. Cellular decay can’t be avoided, only comprehended. I know that’s kinda crazy talk coming from a guy who tried to kill himself. But seriously though, I do feel that I want to live a long life, and surround myself with people I love. I want to spend years making happy memories, building trust and friendship with others. I want to go on seeing amazing things with my eyes, touching bodies with someone I love, feeling the warm desert air. I’ve tried to throw it all away, and I think I have learned something from my experiences. I am a different man now than I have been recently. I’ve taken on a ton of new responsibility in all aspects of my life and I’m doing great. A +3 is a respectable score. It says: I was content, but not overly so, and my energy level was still pretty good by the end of the day. I have been (recorded) low as a -8 and as high as a +7 in all my various permutations of this experiment. The -8 occurred with Jennifer, my first wife, during the fight where I hid in the bathroom and gave her back my wedding ring through the crack under the door. I was done, but unwilling to let go. The +7 occurred much earlier on in that first marriage, when I was taking meds for my ADD that were accelerating me to dangerous highs. That was just before the same doctor put me on seroquil which zombafied me and ended up sending me to the hospital for the first time. Crazy shit.

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