I will admit to having had a slower than usual day today. Mentally, I mean. I woke up way too late this morning and have been a bit sluggish; plodding through the marsh like a Diplodocus. But it has been a good shift; I have been productive and have also solved problems right and left. I even had a chance to train someone from the repair department on how we do things in customer support. That was fun, to have someone to teach, because I’m a superb instructor.
Overall things have been great. My mental health is at an all-time high of stability and functionality. I am working hard to make sure my brain operates normally. My relationship with Amanda is progressing naturally and has already offered me a great deal of happiness. Blog, my life is fairly simple: I work, a rest, I smoke a bowl once every 3-5 days or so for kicks. I don’t need much to keep me entertained and I’m much easier to please than your average mook. I don’t yearn for a complex and advanced life; I have enough to worry about trying to balance my own meager set of affairs. Why overload myself with stimuli when very little is plenty to keep me happy?
You know what really drives me on? The promise of living a stable and honorable life. I don’t want fame, or power, and I generally don’t care about money. My upside down life has been an inwardly spiraling journey with the intent of balance but the reality of destruction.
I have always thought that a relationship was the thing I needed to be happy, but that has proven to be folly. I NEEDED a relationship to feel complete, and that’s right where it all went wrong. I NEEDED sex because it was something that felt good and was the only intimacy I understood. I have destroyed every relationship I’ve been in because I was not a whole person; I had gaping chasms that I was expecting love to fill.
I look back on that and regret, but it was a lesson I had to learn the hard way (through failure). I reflect, because at this moment, I am doing something totally new and departing from my relationship patterns of the past. I decided to fix myself first, before going looking for love again. I spent months rehashing pain, going to groups, getting my medications dialed in, and talking through my issues with an astute therapist. It took many consecutive days of that single-minded activity to accomplish a change. And the result is unprecedented security of self. I feel more aware and proud of who I am, and who I have become than EVER before.
I am falling in love again blog. It is a slower process than previously attempted, and I’m savoring the journey to being in love. I know that I am going in that direction, but the haste to arrive at commitment is gone, replaced by a cool patience and thoughtful comprehension. I really want to know who she is before I give her my heart. But I think I will give it to her, because that is what I want to do. I’m still very scared that I will be hurt again, but the root of that feeling is the trauma of abandonment. To be given up on several times by people you had completely pledged to is brutally painful. And I did this to myself by not being a complete “me” before deciding to be in a relationship. I have thought it out, and I know myself better now than I have in years. Years blog.
So this is a good time in my life. Things are changing; my caring for Amanda runs strong and deep. Apprehensive? A little. But I think it’s reasonable considering my history. But I do want her. I want her to be my only one, the keeper of my secrets, the guardian of my heart. I think I will get there with her, in time. All good things…