I feel the battery draining and not replenishing as my labor-intensive activities draw to a close. I’m extending myself every day to put forth as much effort as I can manage. It was a Thursday to forget, and I am beat, needless to say.
I’ve been on the same dose of meds since November and I’m doing great overall. I am testing the limits of my functionality, and want to be able to fully apply myself in my life. That’s ambitious for a guy with bipolar disorder, frankly.
I struggle at times. My energy is the weighted variable in the equation of my composure. Without it, things disintegrate. I’ve seen it happen multiple times in my rocky past.
I think about Jax sometimes. I wonder where she is or what she’s doing. She only ever reaches out to me when she thinks I have something she wants. Then she takes it and disappears back into the shadows of the unknown. I have been avoiding spying on her, because if feel this is an unhealthy pattern. And the last time I did spy on her I learned more than I wanted to know about how she is living her life. There’s no reason for continued inquiry, now that both our lives have progressed. But there is still a wound inside me that gets triggered sometimes.
It’s great to be falling in love again. But I’ve noticed how different this is from other times, when I was exuberant and smitten and a solace to lust/passion. I lost sight of reason, and the newness of love burned like a magnesium fire inside me. Then it faded and was gone a short time later, and only a shadow of the infatuation remained. My new love for Amanda is vastly different: it’s patient, familiar, trusting and gradual. I know that I love this woman, but I’m not losing my mind over it. I think love, REAL love, meanders like a creek through the woods. It’s not a torrent of furious water obliterating all terrain in its way. The practicality of love means that it is intended to build over time, not shoot off all at once. My love for Amanda accumulates as time goes on, along with my trust and respect for her. In time, those things will realize themselves as strong, because they stood the test of days and remain. I want my love for her to continue to grow and get deeper as we spend our lives getting to know each other. And it is my every intent to continue to bet there for her and her son for a very long time.
In the short-term, my energy naturally tapers as the week wears on. I commit myself to my occupation and I am a “class act” in most respects. I rarely make mistakes, and when I do, they are not made again. I want to be able to hold my head up and be proud of who I am because I am a hard worker and morally sound. The way I carry myself through the world helps ratify my nature, and gives me the hard evidence I need to combat depression. Doubt is always looking for an opportunity to sneak in. Always.
Just one more day left in my week. Then (for the first time in a while) I get two days off in a row. Yippee.
I love you
I love you too Amanda.