As I write this I’m in the depths of an unrelentingly painful depressive episode. It started coming apart this afternoon around 4, and has only deepened since. I’m crying, here stuffing my whimpers into my pillow. I can’t explain it with logic, I just know it’s happening to me. I feel in agony, crushingly dispondent and without adequate explanation. I know this happens sometimes. My chemicals are off, and all I experience is sadness. I can’t see a way out of it.
I’m trying to find the reason and I’m failing. I’m in such pain, yet there is no cause. I had a great weekend. I spent time with my parents and the woman I love. I got things done and had plenty of time to relax. But none of that matters now. Right at this very moment I am suffering. My life is on track and progressing healthily, and yet I’m sobbing into my covers as I write this post on my phone. Sometimes I really hate being bipolar.
I just got off the phone with Amanda. She really helped me get grounded in reason. Hearing her reassurances and validations helped me get through the acute sadness. I’m not crying anymore. I’m stabilizing.
Sleep is the great equalizer. Whatever maintenance my brain performs on itself is markedly effective. These sad days are usually only one day, and then they fizz out and disappear. I knew my chemicals were not right today, but I didn’t expect to crash so hard. Amanda really helped bring me out of the abyss tonight. Her voice was upbeat and she had lots of good ideas for helping me get out of my head. She even offered to have me come back and spend the night with her, which I think may be useful if I was feeling unsafe. I’m just a little too tired to execute that maneuver tonight. But her words alone have changed my direction in lieu of needing to take dramatic action, and the deepest part of the trough is behind me. I’m already feeling better.
It’s annoying being bipolar. Sometimes the whole thing comes undone and the world stops making sense. But that’s the way it is. Have a more peaceful night than I have had.