Ugh

Score: +1.5

I’m still not back to my old self. I struggled mightily today at work, and the whole DTOC was slammed from the moment I started until 9 minutes after I was off. I handled 39 calls today, which is a new record high mark. That effectively translated into constant distraction. I was idle for no more than 4 minutes at a time; my phone rang incessantly. But I gave it my all. It was a truly trying day, and all the while my neurochemistry was out of balance, pushing me into a somber and zest-less state. I had barely enough energy to do my job, and put up a mask so that no one would suspect that there was anything wrong with me. I cannot reveal my weakness to them. Ever. 

I went straight home after work, utterly spent and then I realized I had not done my shopping, and would subsequently have no food for tonight or the rest of the week. I went home first, surrendering to fatigue, I thought, but then I got my ass up and went shopping with what fumes were left in my tank. But I did it. I came home again and put everything away and felt satisfied. 

Today was (emotionally) better than yesterday, but there is plenty of room for improvement. My energy, since I broke down last night and cried my eyes out, has been between 10% and 20%. Boo. But sleep usually helps recharge the battery. I could be in much better shape tomorrow. 

It’s spring. This is the time of year when I have had psychotic depressive episodes. Albeit, those cataclysms were aided by a steady decline in mood over the course of months leading to a culminating event. I am nevertheless wary. I need this trend of downward pointing disposition to come to an end tomorrow. If it continues, I will need to seek medical attention and rapidly. I cannot risk my world falling apart again. I have so much good stuff going for me, and I want that positive trend to continue. 

Thanks for checking in. I’ll let you know if I pulled up just before impact, or not, tomorrow. 

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