Balancing

Score: +2.5

Maybe this whole scoring thing is flawed because I am, perhaps, not a trustworthy source of introspection. I strive for accuracy and honesty, but I wonder if I am too biased a source to be evaluating myself. But then again, I’m with me all day… I should have some idea what’s going on. 

But I will, nevertheless, continue to score because it represents a desire to learn and be aware of who I am. On any given day. 

I was up at 4:55 am when the on call technician’s (my) phone rang. Some McDonald’s had their drive thru go offline and they absolutely demanded that I book a dispatch at that hour. But if the receptionist at the place that routs those emergency calls had waited 5 more minutes, the DTOC would have been open, and any number of bright-eyed and bushy-tailed techs could have done exactly what I did. But hey, they are giving me an extra $250 to be the emergency tech. So I couldn’t go back to sleep. I was gearing up to leave in less than an hour for therapy. Boo. 

Margaret was reflective and curious about my recent plunge into love. I told her about how it was not a burning inferno of lust that consumed every shred of logic in its path, but rather, a progression from the foundations of care and trust so far established. I said that it makes sense to be in love; I genuinely care about Amanda and want to be in her life for the long haul. I have no reservations, only curiosities. So I think that was good. She seemed totally understanding of my situation, and the measured steps I have been taking. We talked some about work, and about my grandparents who are dying. My poor mom has her hands full. 

Blog, I don’t expect my mood to be solid as bedrock. Recall that I am bipolar. Scores that reflect a range of experiences are more likely, with some dips and peaks. But it’s when this fluctuation becomes drawn-out and detrimental do I take issue. I have not even been in the negative yet. So we’ll see. For now, I will score every day (28 so far) and see where I end up. 

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