I have been trying to get past the Hard AI on Ettenmoors and failing miserably. It was consistently overpowering me at about the fifteen minute mark with sheer numbers of infantry and later mixing in siege. I was not able to expand sufficiently to support much economy, so I lost the unit production game. I was having difficulty growing because of the barrow wright creeps in the corners of the map. But I got archers up there and finished those guys off. Then I took the outpost and built a steelworks on it and made my units me lee attack more powerful. Near the end it was several level five berserkers with the forged blades tearing down buildings. They’re just so good. I gained control of both outposts mid way through, and by then I was hammering. Good game. Just had to be aggressive. Lots of pikes against Rohan and you’ll do fine. I started wining the middle once the forged blades were available. And my economy was roaring by then.
Unit Kill / Death Ratio
Maximum Income Rate Per Minute
77 Day Average: +3.05
I’m doing the best I can to stay active at work. Things get pretty slow sometimes, and there’s not much anyone can do about it. I volunteer to take on extra responsibility by working help tickets and resolving additional issues. I even ran out of THAT to do. So I watched the Padres be swept by the Astros in a pathetic display of pitching and hitting. I’m not big into baseball, because it is a frustrating sport. And totally corrupt. But my team was supposed to be good this year, and they currently look like shit. They are sub .500 and sinking fast.
Amanda and I have been spending long afternoons together and cooking dinner at a reasonable hour. She’s been feeling good and things are moving right along. I still have a lot to learn, but I’m getting there. And I care about her wellbeing. I love her for the proud and strong person she is.
Our evenings end now around 7:00 pm when I start to get too tired to feel safe to drive home. I make sure not to let myself get too drowsy, because I don’t want to have delayed reactions to events on the road. So I got home tonight and crawled into my bed. I don’t mind having an early bedtime. I always did.
Anyway. Things are good. I am doing well in my new shift. The day goes by so much faster.
Everything is changing. I have a new shift at work, from 5:30 am to 2:00 pm. I can’t tell you how glad I am to be done with that evening schedule. Now, I will have half of my day left to do with as I please, with no more aborted mornings and abbreviated nights. Im going to miss just sleeping in until I woke up naturally, but that is a luxury I am fully willing to sacrifice for time.
I had my first of seven consecutive days of work today, a Sunday 6:00 am to 3:00 pm shift. The call volume was so unbelievably slow that I damn near drove myself insane with boredom. I feel so mentally and physically exhausted, and yet, I did very few things to justify this. Boredom leads to very negative anxiety coming out of the depths and haunting me. I know I must be able to be bored and not spiral out of control, and facing this issue is very important to me. There are going to be times where I get bored, but I do not want that to be a trigger for anxiety. Amanda suggested I read a book, which is very doable from my computer at my desk. She’s concerned because I have allowed myself to spiral down because of anxiety and crash, and she was there to help me get grounded again. But it was scary. I get that. It’s scary for me too.
Most importantly though, my world has been shifted by four hours. It’s still light outside, and I am tucked under my blankie and ready for bed. I feel like my brain got run over by a semi. Tomorrow, my alarm will sound at 4:30 am and I will need to collect myself and get going. I will go in at my new time and turn the page on those months of 9:30 starts.
All in all, this is a much needed transition. I will be able to exercise with Amanda in the evenings and we will get to spend way more time together than ever before. Which is great because I really love being with her. She makes me very happy.
Goodnight blog. Today was one of seven. Tomorrow will be day two.
I knew I had some shit to do today, and it all pretty much got done. The morning began with a router install here at my apartment. We had been using my old D-Link that I bought a few years ago, but it’s dependability had come into question after several outages and slow connection speeds. So I had the landlord compensate me to go out and buy a decent one and set it up. The Asus router I bought is dual-band, and my wireless adapter connects on the 5 gigahertz signal with 144.5 MiB/s speed. It’s a dramatic improvement. Now I should be able to game without connection issues, and not have to surrender my internet when others are using the network.
As that was happening, I did my one load of laundry, which included my sheets. I also spun my mattress around. I had been favoring one particular area for sleeping and that had been true for several months in a row. So I turned the mattress so that now the area I was using can get some time off from being slept on every night. I folded my clothes and hung my shirts. From there, I went to the storage unit and started another four loads in the rock tumblers. We purchased the new improved tumbling barrels which have been molded to have little speed bumps inside the barrel to crate more tumbling action for any stones in the chamber. Genius, in my opinion. I hung out at my parents for a bit then cruised over to Amanda’s place. Once there, we decided on a plan to go to the pharmacy to pick up her meds, then go to target. The pharmacy was closed, however, so we just went to the store and bought what we needed and grabbed some Mexican food for lunch. We farted around the apartment until about 4:45 and then we went over to Amanda’s sister’s house for dinner. Tristan basically lost his mind over there with Melissa and Brian’s son Elliot, who is a very polite boy. Tristan ran circles around him and destroyed everything in his path. He had been in the apartment for two days straight, some energy had been building up (needless to say). After dinner, we attempted to have him burn off the rest of that energy at the playground, but it’s raining today, so we opted for the McDonald’s indoor activity area. But that turned out to be a dud. Lots of stairs, one slide, that’s about it. So it didn’t last long.
I have a new shift. Starting Monday, I clock in at 5:30 am. My whole schedule is about to change dramatically. Tomorrow I work a 6:00 am shift until 3:00 pm. I need to call Margaret and tell her that we have to change our appointment time. I’m going to be brewing coffee at my desk, and not walking in late as the day is already underway. I will get to have my afternoons off and be able to do whatever I want before my bedtime. Originally, Mike had asked me to be on that evening schedule because I was his pet project, but since his promotion to Manager, he has a new schedule too. So I’m tired of these prolonged mornings where I’m anxious and wanting to get into work but have a few hours to kill. I dislike that arrangement.
So things will be different for me. All good changes so far. I’m pretty tired and my start is early. Goodnight.
It was all systems normal for me today. I had a full week, zero hours lost, and I get a Sunday this month, coming up this weekend. Which is time and a half. I have been seeing a lot of really ridiculous errors lately in order entry and basic shit. People at work just don’t care like I care, and they never will. I’m trying to foster friendly relations with a select few, but it’s difficult. We have so little in common, most of the time. I know they dislike me, but it’s because they hate me for being superior and knowing it. I don’t flaunt, but I lead by doing more work than anyone else. And taking on more complex issues voluntarily and achieving resolutions. I even do billing shit still. Had two today as a matter of fact. I handle myself like a professional. I don’t fuck around unnecessarily. I don’t often make mistakes. Work is somewhat hostile, but it’s at a level that I can manage.
Amanda is still struggling with depression. Her Abilify was upped but the effects of that won’t be known for a few days. I’m going to try and spend the afternoon with her and Tristan tomorrow. I have a schedule replete with events. But it’s an achievable sum of things. Truly.
My relationship with Amanda is awesome, and so freeing. I’m able to engage in a thoughtful discussion with a capable adult and address real issues rationally. I gained some valuable insight into my own insecurities and anxiety. I projected my fear on to Amanda and created a sort of frenzied state in my actions. Spun myself into a knot. But she helped me see that, and I gained perspective on my behaviors. It was refreshing to have such a candid discussion. I will adjust myself and take action where it is needed.
I’m in a much better place today than I was yesterday. I felt like I just was off chemically from having an insomniac’s night. I was never really asleep. I just kind of laid there and closed my eyes. I think the doxepin is doing more harm than good, so I am discontinuing it. It’s not putting me to sleep anymore. It might even be contributing to my problems. My doctor wanted me to discontinue it last visit, but I declined. Now I just want to see if it makes a difference. Experimentation is a part of the science of progress.
Tomorrow is my one day off. Huzzah.
Last night I had severe insomnia. I felt like I laid there with my eyes closed for 8 hours, not sleeping, mind spinning. I didn’t want to get out of bed this morning. At all.
But I went to work anyway because I will not survive in the world unless I make money. Amanda has been struggling with severe depression, but today she got to go see her psychiatrist and got a med increase. I’m so concerned about her, and I hurt for her when she is struggling.
I had no patience today whatsoever. Customers were grating, unresponsive and not cooperative. I have had worse days on the phone, but this was a pretty bad one. There were plenty of Kana tickets to work, but most of the guys there would rather socialize and laugh all day long. I have occasional interjections, but I mostly just keep to myself. I put my head down and do my job. Today the voice in my head was pounding me. It was demanding that I flee, and go home so that I could surrender. All day long it hammered me, but I didn’t cave. I stayed through my entire shift, even though it was hard.
My mood never came out of the basement. I had no energy, and my concentration was fractured at best. I didn’t make any critical mistakes and had no issues otherwise. There was a weight on me, pressing me flat, all the time.
It’s 7:30 and I’m in bed. I want today to be over. It was a miserable run, and now it is done. Tomorrow things will improve, because that’s how bipolar depression works: rapid decline, sleep, normal behavior.
Have a better night than I am.
I have been dealing with anxiety of late. I have also felt wholly uninspired and unable to write.
My anxieties center around my relationship, and that I am feeling totally inadequate for no good reason. I have been clinging to Amanda out of panic, and we had a good discussion about all of this last night. I have a hard time accepting acknowledgement because I am always pushing myself to improve. Amanda thanks me, every day, for my contributions, and I just don’t accept it. This is 100% on me, because I should be processing her words not devaluing them because I have an insane need to push myself onward. I’ve failed so many times at life, that I just don’t feel like complacency is acceptable. I need to be proactive, and I am, but perhaps unhealthily so.
I had therapy today, and we went over my anxiety. I gained some much needed perspective and feel wholly capable of correcting the unhealthy way I was coping. Amanda is struggling too, but hers is a much deeper slide into depression. We are taking charge and getting her the help she needs. I wish I had a way to take the burden of pain away from her.
Orherwise, life has been good. I have been working hard and earning respect. I make very few mistakes and am generally unliked. But I guess I don’t mind. I’m not there to win a popularity contest, I’m being paid to do my job. And I do it well and it fulfills me. Still.
Well, I have a lot of thoughts in my head, and I’m tired. Goodnight.