Mush

Score: +2.5

55 Day Average Score: +3.07

My score is low because I am totally out of energy today. I had a very fast but laborious day at work, handling 32 calls, 12 of which were outgoing. I do tend to forgo having excess energy for staying occupied through the day. So I may have started my shift somewhere in the 3.5 area, but as the day wore on and the intensity of my tasks increased, that number was eroded away. I am supposed to be able to handle 32 calls a day no problem, but today’s lot were really complicated, extra-step-needed type issues. Learning opportunities, yes, but at great cost. 

I came over to Amanda’s apartment and I was utterly spent. I did manage to cook dinner (chicken thighs and a mixed-greens salad), but I was so tired. I wasn’t much fun to be around, I imagine. It’s really hard to have a jam-packed day and then still have enough energy left over to have an evening. I hardly play games at night anymore. I’m usually just disrobing, hygiene, bed. And tomorrow I need to be up ass early to get to therapy at 8. It usually takes me 40 minutes to get from Spring Valley to the clinic near Mission Bay. I want to talk to Margaret about this anxiety I have when bored, and how destructive it can be. I want to hear her thoughts on what actions I can take to limit the harm these rapid down-spirals can trigger. 

I’ve been keeping a score representing a numerical value based upon overall mental health and energy levels for 56 consecutive days, and I will undoubtedly continue into the future. I find the score forces me to go back over my day and chart how I was feeling or what percentage of full my energy was at as the day progressed. It’s introspection in the most logical of terms, and profoundly relevant to my ongoing stability. I can easily chart my mood and see how it has changed, what triggered low scores, and what led to higher ones. Data collection. Boom. 

I’m in love. I have a stable, prosperous life. I am building a family and managing my wellbeing. Soon things will shift, and life will be different, but still mine. I treasure my time with Amanda. Just being there with her, holding her hand. It’s quietly significant, because it is comforting and it feels like home. 

Goodnight. 

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