Hearts On Fire

Score: +3.5

My workload was roughly half of what it was yesterday, and it showed after work as I had WAY more energy to go around. 

Tristan sits on me a lot, and we talk in that cryptic discourse that occurs between children and adults. Today he was interested in my hands, perhaps because they are much larger than his, but there’s no telling what indecipherable motives he has. But he’s affectionate, and he takes direction when things get serious. He ate chicken that I cooked tonight, even though he is a very, VERY picky eater. 

Amanda and I are openly discussing our future: we are planning the next step forward our relationship will take. Namely, living arrangements. We want to get a townhouse or condo and move in together. I think this is a logical, frugal step. I’m in love with her, and I want to be a family and raise Tristan like he was my son. I want to be with Amanda for good, not just for a time, but for the rest of my time. I don’t know if I’m ever going to get married again, but I do want to be hers for as long as she will have me. We have started on a long journey that is 84 days old today, and there will be many more than that to come. I want these things. In my heart I am flying through the sky with the sun on my back. 

But how to tell my traumatized parents? They don’t know I’m in love, let alone wanting to live together. But I am talking to them Friday, and they will at least know that I love Amanda then. I don’t know how they will react. I’m scared to tell them, fearing reprisal. I can’t expect enthusiasm, because I have hurt them so many times in the past. But I genuinely feel that this time is vastly different than those other relationships where I rushed, paid no attention to details, and utterly failed. I built up trust and respect, which culminated in a stalwart and confident love. It’s unlike the fire, blinding passion and inscaciable lust of my past relationships. I have passion, but it resonates deep like a drum and runs through me like capillaries. It is coiled around the fiber of my being, and represented by facts, truths and observations. I am by no means done getting to know her; humans being creatures of constant adaptation and change. But I know that I don’t want anyone but her. I hope for a Poitier outcome in my procrastinated revelation. We shall see. 

Goodnight blog. Many things to think about…