I have been dealing with anxiety of late. I have also felt wholly uninspired and unable to write.
My anxieties center around my relationship, and that I am feeling totally inadequate for no good reason. I have been clinging to Amanda out of panic, and we had a good discussion about all of this last night. I have a hard time accepting acknowledgement because I am always pushing myself to improve. Amanda thanks me, every day, for my contributions, and I just don’t accept it. This is 100% on me, because I should be processing her words not devaluing them because I have an insane need to push myself onward. I’ve failed so many times at life, that I just don’t feel like complacency is acceptable. I need to be proactive, and I am, but perhaps unhealthily so.
I had therapy today, and we went over my anxiety. I gained some much needed perspective and feel wholly capable of correcting the unhealthy way I was coping. Amanda is struggling too, but hers is a much deeper slide into depression. We are taking charge and getting her the help she needs. I wish I had a way to take the burden of pain away from her.
Orherwise, life has been good. I have been working hard and earning respect. I make very few mistakes and am generally unliked. But I guess I don’t mind. I’m not there to win a popularity contest, I’m being paid to do my job. And I do it well and it fulfills me. Still.
Well, I have a lot of thoughts in my head, and I’m tired. Goodnight.