Emptiness

Score: -1

Last night I had severe insomnia. I felt like I laid there with my eyes closed for 8 hours, not sleeping, mind spinning. I didn’t want to get out of bed this morning. At all. 

But I went to work anyway because I will not survive in the world unless I make money. Amanda has been struggling with severe depression, but today she got to go see her psychiatrist and got a med increase. I’m so concerned about her, and I hurt for her when she is struggling. 

I had no patience today whatsoever. Customers were grating, unresponsive and not cooperative. I have had worse days on the phone, but this was a pretty bad one. There were plenty of Kana tickets to work, but most of the guys there would rather socialize and laugh all day long. I have occasional interjections, but I mostly just keep to myself. I put my head down and do my job. Today the voice in my head was pounding me. It was demanding that I flee, and go home so that I could surrender. All day long it hammered me, but I didn’t cave. I stayed through my entire shift, even though it was hard. 

My mood never came out of the basement. I had no energy, and my concentration was fractured at best. I didn’t make any critical mistakes and had no issues otherwise. There was a weight on me, pressing me flat, all the time. 

It’s 7:30 and I’m in bed. I want today to be over. It was a miserable run, and now it is done. Tomorrow things will improve, because that’s how bipolar depression works: rapid decline, sleep, normal behavior. 

Have a better night than I am. 

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