It was all systems normal for me today. I had a full week, zero hours lost, and I get a Sunday this month, coming up this weekend. Which is time and a half. I have been seeing a lot of really ridiculous errors lately in order entry and basic shit. People at work just don’t care like I care, and they never will. I’m trying to foster friendly relations with a select few, but it’s difficult. We have so little in common, most of the time. I know they dislike me, but it’s because they hate me for being superior and knowing it. I don’t flaunt, but I lead by doing more work than anyone else. And taking on more complex issues voluntarily and achieving resolutions. I even do billing shit still. Had two today as a matter of fact. I handle myself like a professional. I don’t fuck around unnecessarily. I don’t often make mistakes. Work is somewhat hostile, but it’s at a level that I can manage.
Amanda is still struggling with depression. Her Abilify was upped but the effects of that won’t be known for a few days. I’m going to try and spend the afternoon with her and Tristan tomorrow. I have a schedule replete with events. But it’s an achievable sum of things. Truly.
My relationship with Amanda is awesome, and so freeing. I’m able to engage in a thoughtful discussion with a capable adult and address real issues rationally. I gained some valuable insight into my own insecurities and anxiety. I projected my fear on to Amanda and created a sort of frenzied state in my actions. Spun myself into a knot. But she helped me see that, and I gained perspective on my behaviors. It was refreshing to have such a candid discussion. I will adjust myself and take action where it is needed.
I’m in a much better place today than I was yesterday. I felt like I just was off chemically from having an insomniac’s night. I was never really asleep. I just kind of laid there and closed my eyes. I think the doxepin is doing more harm than good, so I am discontinuing it. It’s not putting me to sleep anymore. It might even be contributing to my problems. My doctor wanted me to discontinue it last visit, but I declined. Now I just want to see if it makes a difference. Experimentation is a part of the science of progress.
Tomorrow is my one day off. Huzzah.