The Show And Aftermath

Score: +2.5

Yesterday was Amanda’s first art show. It was called RAW Artists: Sensory and was held at the House of Blues in downtown San Diego. We were required to be there four hours before the show began (at 2 pm), and we weren’t done until after 10 pm. All in all, it was a huge opportunity for Amanda to get some attention. Several talent scouts took her business card and several others deeply considered purchasing canvasses. But we made $200 on prints and that’s pretty good. A lot of family and friends turned out for the show and offered their support. It was a great, if not taxing experience. 

Today we paid the price. I called in, after realizing I was only going to get 3 hours of sleep before my shift. I could not imagine being able to function under those circumstances. My mentally ill brain would be in disarray from fatigue and who knows what that could have led to. So I took the safe option. Amanda and I spent the day together, did some errands, and cat napped in the living room. 

This is my last month in Spring Valley. Im both excited and also somewhat concerned about the things yet to be done. I guess this is my anxiety. Change, even for the better, is still stressful. 

Amanda and I have been doing great. She’s striving and pushing through the pain. I truly admire her for her continued bravery and strength. She has also been increasingly affectionate with me lately, which I also really enjoy. Our relationship feels like it is clicking into a harmonious state. She’s been responsive to my needs and attentive to my requests. We have excellent communication abilities. I love her very much, and I’d do just about anything for that girl. 

My weekend is just getting started. Toodles. 

Knee Deep

Score: +3.5

Nothing great happens on Tuesdays in my world. It’s the day before hump day, and that’s all it really has going for it. I try to occupy myself at work with any and all incoming issues, but even that can run dry towards the middle of my shift. I scrounge for things to do sometimes.

Today marked the conclusion of the order entry contest/game that my office had been running. Out of 16 players, my time was fourth fastest, and completely error free. The top 8 advance to the next round of competition, which is darts. I know, how the fuck are those two contests remotely connected? I don’t know. I’m just happy to be advancing. Who knows what’s in store after darts. Pin the tail on the donkey?

I wish I could fast forward a month and just be on the brink of getting myself moved out. There are just a few logical hurdles to clear before I’m done. And work, lifting, packing, unpacking, taking out garbage, the fucking works. It’s not going to be a big move, but one that I’d like to get past. Living with Amanda is going to make life blissfully good. I will commute less, get comfy faster, and luxuriate in my long evening unlike ever before. I can hardly wait. 

Change is coming. Soon. For now, I’m tired and could use some rest. Thanks for stopping by. 

A Looming Move

Score: +3

Mondays are harder than most every other working day. It’s that first punch in that solidifies just how far there is to go yet until you can breathe. But I don’t dread what I do, so it’s not that bad. 

This weekend Amanda and I decided that I was going to move in with her at the end of next month. I will be consolidating most of my stuff into a storage unit and taking a few things over there. I will be saving roughly $400 a month once I start living there, and I will have to commute far less than before. We plan to live there and sign a new lease for maybe a year, until we save up enough money to get a house somewhere in the east county. Plans. 

Truly, I spend every weeknight there and I am getting frustrated having to leave at 7 so I can drive home safely. I just wish I could get into my jams and relax when I get off work. Smoke a bowl, put on my stretchy shorts, boom. But it is now certain to happen. In a month or so, I will be living there. And I will be integrated into a new pattern of existence. This life I have chosen makes me very happy, and is fulfilling. 

Days go by, and things change. My life is in flux, and generally I find myself in an improving circumstance. It’s all I could hope for. Bipolar is hard because everything is kept in a precarious balance that is oft upset. Sometimes even something as innocuous as a dream can set in motion a neurochemical imbalance. To have a stable life, the love of a forgiving woman, and a family, is really quite remarkable. Considering how low I’ve been; how reduced to ruin. I’ve come a very long way. 


Score: +3.5

Every week, Amanda and I designate a day where we do not spend any time together, to nurture our own independent selves. I think this is novel and healthy, but do sometimes struggle when left completely alone. I can occasionally get very anxious and that can cause me to spiral down. 

It has been a challenge for me to be alone and be ok with it. I tend to want to be constantly stimulated, or thoroughly distracted. But I can’t always do that; I still need to be able to  maintain sanity and equilibrium. Today is a real big test for me. I spent only a few brief moments with my parents and the rest of it has been up to me to do with as I see fit. 

At this juncture, I’m thinking I’m just going to get all comfortable in my bed and listen to the baseball game and relax my evening away. I like being in my sheets, even if I’m not ready to go to sleep. My bed is ridiculously comfortable, and a generally good place to hang out. I’m done with my responsibilities today and just want to get snuggy. 

I was able to have a day to myself and not have it be a bad thing at all. I have been behaving normally and not losing any ground to negative thoughts. Today has been a good day. 


Score: +3.5

Mornings have been hard. I desperately cling to the thought of sleeping on for hours more, but inevitably drive myself out of eternal bliss and into unending anguish. I exaggerate. But it is still hard to tear the covers off the first time and get out there. 

Work has been dull because now no one can be on the Internet or using their phones unless during designated break times. Which is only really a problem when periods of time elapse between activities. I scour the ticketing systems for things to do. I stare wildly into the queue and wait to see when the next call will come in, and who will get it. Sometimes I know I’m the next one. I just sit and wait for my phone to ring, anxiously. I do have a good personality on the phone though, even if I do get nervous about it. I sometimes say the wrong thing or screw up the very fundamentals of language, but I survive it and manage to solve their problem all the while. People generally enjoy my tech support, and I rarely get yelled at anymore since we got out of handling billing issues. Tech support is much more rewarding. Problems and solutions, every time. 

I’m spending most of my afternoons and evenings with Amanda. This is our week with each other, and we’ve been making good use of it so far. I’m really happy to be with her. She’s special to me, and I am enjoying getting to know her. The more I find out, the more ensnared I become. She has captured my interest and given me loyalty, trust and respect as rewards. I am finding her to be a great friend, and that’s really all I could ask for. 

Farther on down the road, things will change and the odd configuration of our lives will shift. I find myself thinking about where I live, and what things might happen to the world around me. That new movie San Andreas looks like a plot disaster but a special-effects extravaganza. But it will happen. It’s only a question as to when. 

Anyway, goodnight. 

Another Day

Score: +3.5

I have been really enjoying the change is my schedule. My days seem longer and more vibrant. I don’t spend time just sleeping well after I’ve had enough rest. I get up early, and start doing things. My shift begins at 5:30 am. 

I have been staying strong and consistent lately. I have spent a great deal of my time with Amanda, who I am in love with. She and I are starting to figure each other out. We are a lot funnier now than we used to be. I am helping her as much as I can to ease her burden, but she still has to carry a lot of it herself. I admire the way she tries. 

My mental health has been good. It’s spring, and that’s usually when things fall apart for me. But I’m not currently demonstrating any negative patterns, not shrinking, but growing. Things are looking up in a way they haven’t for a long time. I’m feeling great about who I am and what kind of example I set. 

I have been getting back into weed, but I can tell you that it is great. I have had more energy, drive, curiosity and charisma as side effects. I find doing the dishes while stoned is among the finer joys in life. Just to work each item until thoroughly cleaned, until none remain. I’m not as good at real time strategy while on it though. I seem to be unable to appropriately manage multi-fronted battlefields. 

Work has been much the same. Things are happening all around me through the day, and I’m still very proactive about addressing help tickets with whatever time I have while not on a call. But things there have been moving along nicely. I’m needed. 

Have a lovely night and happy Monday to you.