The Show And Aftermath

Score: +2.5

Yesterday was Amanda’s first art show. It was called RAW Artists: Sensory and was held at the House of Blues in downtown San Diego. We were required to be there four hours before the show began (at 2 pm), and we weren’t done until after 10 pm. All in all, it was a huge opportunity for Amanda to get some attention. Several talent scouts took her business card and several others deeply considered purchasing canvasses. But we made $200 on prints and that’s pretty good. A lot of family and friends turned out for the show and offered their support. It was a great, if not taxing experience. 

Today we paid the price. I called in, after realizing I was only going to get 3 hours of sleep before my shift. I could not imagine being able to function under those circumstances. My mentally ill brain would be in disarray from fatigue and who knows what that could have led to. So I took the safe option. Amanda and I spent the day together, did some errands, and cat napped in the living room. 

This is my last month in Spring Valley. Im both excited and also somewhat concerned about the things yet to be done. I guess this is my anxiety. Change, even for the better, is still stressful. 

Amanda and I have been doing great. She’s striving and pushing through the pain. I truly admire her for her continued bravery and strength. She has also been increasingly affectionate with me lately, which I also really enjoy. Our relationship feels like it is clicking into a harmonious state. She’s been responsive to my needs and attentive to my requests. We have excellent communication abilities. I love her very much, and I’d do just about anything for that girl. 

My weekend is just getting started. Toodles. 

Knee Deep

Score: +3.5

Nothing great happens on Tuesdays in my world. It’s the day before hump day, and that’s all it really has going for it. I try to occupy myself at work with any and all incoming issues, but even that can run dry towards the middle of my shift. I scrounge for things to do sometimes.

Today marked the conclusion of the order entry contest/game that my office had been running. Out of 16 players, my time was fourth fastest, and completely error free. The top 8 advance to the next round of competition, which is darts. I know, how the fuck are those two contests remotely connected? I don’t know. I’m just happy to be advancing. Who knows what’s in store after darts. Pin the tail on the donkey?

I wish I could fast forward a month and just be on the brink of getting myself moved out. There are just a few logical hurdles to clear before I’m done. And work, lifting, packing, unpacking, taking out garbage, the fucking works. It’s not going to be a big move, but one that I’d like to get past. Living with Amanda is going to make life blissfully good. I will commute less, get comfy faster, and luxuriate in my long evening unlike ever before. I can hardly wait. 

Change is coming. Soon. For now, I’m tired and could use some rest. Thanks for stopping by. 

A Looming Move

Score: +3

Mondays are harder than most every other working day. It’s that first punch in that solidifies just how far there is to go yet until you can breathe. But I don’t dread what I do, so it’s not that bad. 

This weekend Amanda and I decided that I was going to move in with her at the end of next month. I will be consolidating most of my stuff into a storage unit and taking a few things over there. I will be saving roughly $400 a month once I start living there, and I will have to commute far less than before. We plan to live there and sign a new lease for maybe a year, until we save up enough money to get a house somewhere in the east county. Plans. 

Truly, I spend every weeknight there and I am getting frustrated having to leave at 7 so I can drive home safely. I just wish I could get into my jams and relax when I get off work. Smoke a bowl, put on my stretchy shorts, boom. But it is now certain to happen. In a month or so, I will be living there. And I will be integrated into a new pattern of existence. This life I have chosen makes me very happy, and is fulfilling. 

Days go by, and things change. My life is in flux, and generally I find myself in an improving circumstance. It’s all I could hope for. Bipolar is hard because everything is kept in a precarious balance that is oft upset. Sometimes even something as innocuous as a dream can set in motion a neurochemical imbalance. To have a stable life, the love of a forgiving woman, and a family, is really quite remarkable. Considering how low I’ve been; how reduced to ruin. I’ve come a very long way. 


Score: +3.5

Every week, Amanda and I designate a day where we do not spend any time together, to nurture our own independent selves. I think this is novel and healthy, but do sometimes struggle when left completely alone. I can occasionally get very anxious and that can cause me to spiral down. 

It has been a challenge for me to be alone and be ok with it. I tend to want to be constantly stimulated, or thoroughly distracted. But I can’t always do that; I still need to be able to  maintain sanity and equilibrium. Today is a real big test for me. I spent only a few brief moments with my parents and the rest of it has been up to me to do with as I see fit. 

At this juncture, I’m thinking I’m just going to get all comfortable in my bed and listen to the baseball game and relax my evening away. I like being in my sheets, even if I’m not ready to go to sleep. My bed is ridiculously comfortable, and a generally good place to hang out. I’m done with my responsibilities today and just want to get snuggy. 

I was able to have a day to myself and not have it be a bad thing at all. I have been behaving normally and not losing any ground to negative thoughts. Today has been a good day. 


Score: +3.5

Mornings have been hard. I desperately cling to the thought of sleeping on for hours more, but inevitably drive myself out of eternal bliss and into unending anguish. I exaggerate. But it is still hard to tear the covers off the first time and get out there. 

Work has been dull because now no one can be on the Internet or using their phones unless during designated break times. Which is only really a problem when periods of time elapse between activities. I scour the ticketing systems for things to do. I stare wildly into the queue and wait to see when the next call will come in, and who will get it. Sometimes I know I’m the next one. I just sit and wait for my phone to ring, anxiously. I do have a good personality on the phone though, even if I do get nervous about it. I sometimes say the wrong thing or screw up the very fundamentals of language, but I survive it and manage to solve their problem all the while. People generally enjoy my tech support, and I rarely get yelled at anymore since we got out of handling billing issues. Tech support is much more rewarding. Problems and solutions, every time. 

I’m spending most of my afternoons and evenings with Amanda. This is our week with each other, and we’ve been making good use of it so far. I’m really happy to be with her. She’s special to me, and I am enjoying getting to know her. The more I find out, the more ensnared I become. She has captured my interest and given me loyalty, trust and respect as rewards. I am finding her to be a great friend, and that’s really all I could ask for. 

Farther on down the road, things will change and the odd configuration of our lives will shift. I find myself thinking about where I live, and what things might happen to the world around me. That new movie San Andreas looks like a plot disaster but a special-effects extravaganza. But it will happen. It’s only a question as to when. 

Anyway, goodnight. 

Another Day

Score: +3.5

I have been really enjoying the change is my schedule. My days seem longer and more vibrant. I don’t spend time just sleeping well after I’ve had enough rest. I get up early, and start doing things. My shift begins at 5:30 am. 

I have been staying strong and consistent lately. I have spent a great deal of my time with Amanda, who I am in love with. She and I are starting to figure each other out. We are a lot funnier now than we used to be. I am helping her as much as I can to ease her burden, but she still has to carry a lot of it herself. I admire the way she tries. 

My mental health has been good. It’s spring, and that’s usually when things fall apart for me. But I’m not currently demonstrating any negative patterns, not shrinking, but growing. Things are looking up in a way they haven’t for a long time. I’m feeling great about who I am and what kind of example I set. 

I have been getting back into weed, but I can tell you that it is great. I have had more energy, drive, curiosity and charisma as side effects. I find doing the dishes while stoned is among the finer joys in life. Just to work each item until thoroughly cleaned, until none remain. I’m not as good at real time strategy while on it though. I seem to be unable to appropriately manage multi-fronted battlefields. 

Work has been much the same. Things are happening all around me through the day, and I’m still very proactive about addressing help tickets with whatever time I have while not on a call. But things there have been moving along nicely. I’m needed. 

Have a lovely night and happy Monday to you. 

The Bug

Score: +2.5

Well I still can’t do solid food. I will have to starve out this bug with a fluids only diet for a while. Then I will be healthy again. 

Work was ok today. I hammered out several Kana tickets and got some good advice from my manager Mike. We’ve been discussing how to handle this IA rep who submits a lot of help tickets but never gives me enough information to process an order. He said I should just be calling the customers and getting the information myself. She is being stubborn about learning the equipment she puts in orders about, which seems like a big waste of time. But things are going well. I stay active, I read a lot about baseball nowadays. The home town team is doing good this year. 

Anyway. I’m sure I’ll be back on track tomorrow. 

Isengard vs Rohan

It took me a dozen tries, but I finally got past the Hard AI on Cair Andros. It was dominating me in 14 – 19 minutes. This game went 29 minutes. 

I have been trying to get past the Hard AI on Ettenmoors and failing miserably. It was consistently overpowering me at about the fifteen minute mark with sheer numbers of infantry and later mixing in siege. I was not able to expand sufficiently to support much economy, so I lost the unit production game. I was having difficulty growing because of the barrow wright creeps in the corners of the map. But I got archers up there and finished those guys off. Then I took the outpost and built a steelworks on it and made my units me lee attack more powerful. Near the end it was several level five berserkers with the forged blades tearing down buildings. They’re just so good. I gained control of both outposts mid way through, and by then I was hammering. Good game. Just had to be aggressive. Lots of pikes against Rohan and you’ll do fine. I started wining the middle once the forged blades were available. And my economy was roaring by then. 

Map: Cair Andros

Gametime: 29:21


Isengard: Egregious

Rohan: Hard


Isengard: 644

Rohan: 838

Units Lost

Isengard: 424

Rohan: 874

Unit Kill / Death Ratio

Isengard: 1.84

Rohan: 0.46

Units Killed

Isengard: 781

Rohan: 407

Maximum Income Rate Per Minute

Isengard: 1926.59

Rohan: 1076.10

Resources Gathered

Isengard: 55871

Rohan: 31207

I totally owned the middle and had a steelworks on the outpost. I just kept sending those lovable Uruk-hai. Eventually they all got forged blades, and then it was over. Wilen axethrowers are cheap and quite effective at tearing down buildings while giving you resources. I had scores of them by the end. Pillage. 

Anyway, great game. 


Score: +1.5

Not a good start to the day. I woke up late last night with terrible stomach pain, but ended up just going back to sleep. But I was severely nauseas when my alarm went off, and had to push through that to get to work. But it rapidly fell apart once I got there. My flu-like symptoms had not stopped. I started brewing my morning coffee, but had to run to the bathroom to throw up.  Maybe it was dinner; perhaps the salad had something to do with it. Either way, it was not pleasent. I hung around for a couple of hours but I left work and went home to rest. I smoked some weed and that settled my stomach. I even ate food later, but it just came back as diarrhea. I’m not sure what has poisoned me, but there is no doubt I am. 

Time really flies when I’m at work. Today things moved along pathetically slow, and I guess I understand. My work keeps me occupied nearly every moment of the day, so to be totally without adequate distractions was hard. I laid around but couldn’t sleep. I don’t nap really. I just want today to be over so I can try again tomorrow. 

I’m doing another round of downloads for my parents. Not too much this time, maybe ten movies and the last few episodes of Mad Men season 7. 

I’m pretty tired. I want to stay up and listen to the baseball game tonight, but I’m never going to make it. My body has given up on today.