Monthly Archives: June 2015

Events; Transition

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Score: +3

138 day average: +3.07
I moved out of my one bedroom apartment and into Amanda’s place. All my excess stuff is stored in a unit, and everything of relevance integrated into the new digs. Boom. Three days of prep, three hours on moving day and done. 

But this joy that comes from such a transition is marred by the onset of severe depression. Amanda is in a bad way, and spiraling down into deepening symptoms. Fortunately, we have not been idle. Evasive action has already resulted in several positive steps. She has severed ties with her addictions and enrolled in an outpatient program for the next four weeks. She has an appointment with her psychiatrist tomorrow, as we were on the verge of going to the psych hospital yesterday. She is unable to function at this point. She can’t motivate or distract herself. She sits in the silence and stares at empty space on the wall. It has come to a breaking point for her, and we are making slow progress out of acute despair and into something less hostile. 

But this is why we are together. Alone, a degradation of lifestyle into depression might have occurred without being noticed or actively resisted. Together, we won’t let the other perish to symptoms, or become lost to sadness. We are a team, and we never give up on our teammates. Ever. She will get through this, slowly.

Work has been hard, but manageable. My life had been stressful until very recently. Move complete, I feel about 7,000 times better than I did on Friday. All that shit hanging over my head was driving me batty. But all is well and good now. I have to be strong for Amanda right now. We are going to get through this. I love her. I will not let her go. 

Scrutiny And Insurrection

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Score: +2.5

Isn’t that first Monday after a one day weekend just a killer? Barely enough time to catch my breath, then right back after it. I think the most appropriate single word description for my current state would be,  “exasperated.”

Things are being hammered into place at my job. Now everyone’s calls are monitored and graded by quality assurance. I welcome this change, and have already demonstrated compliance. My first set of three graded calls were emailed to me today, and I was given 15 positive notes and 3 negative ones, and only for not confirming the customers address on those calls. The VAST majority of my coworkers are bucking the reins of this newly imposed scrutiny. They were happier when it was comedy hour, and everyone got to shoot the shit and laugh all day. Those times are gone, replaced by a steady stream of incoming issues, often far more than we can handle. Our numbers are pathetic, averaging an F grade with occasional days in the D and C ranges. Customers abandon their calls because they go insane waiting for someone to answer the phone. Agents partition themselves off for huge chunks of time, intentionally excluding themselves from taking incoming calls. They use the spare time to gossip and poke fun at each other. Again, these sorts of insubordinate actions are being closely monitored, and while these guys think they are getting away with it, they aren’t. Every second they spend not taking a call will be accounted for. One way or another. I, on the other hand, only average 4% more than the target percentage for how much time is spent not on a call. I think they want us all to be at 25%, and right now I’m on 29%, while most of my peers are far far away from my number, in the wrong direction. Accountability has become the sheriff of our lawless town, and I welcome it. My numbers are stellar, and my call quality is top notch. I have the utmost confidence in my abilities in this regard. 

On the Homefront, it’s the final week before my move, and I’m getting excited. Some things still need to happen, but it’s getting close. Amanda is struggling right now. She’s decided to go on disability, or at least try, because the path she is on right now is not helping her get healthy and happy. She needs time away from that job she hates, to recalibrate and redirect herself. I know change isn’t instant, and the journey will be arduous, but utterly critical to her long term preservation. 

I’m looking forward to the next thing that happens that will change our lives, whatever it may be. The future is as uncertain as anything we attempt to comprehend. Have a great night. 

Mode Adjustment

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Score: +3

Back to work. Though I don’t resent what I do at all. It can be grueling, but most of the time, I like it. Keeps me busy. 

But it’s our week with the boy, so everything has switched over to parenting speed. I have been enjoying our time together, and I think he really does like me. Lately, we have been playing Mega Man (1, 2 and 3), though he seems happier when he’s watching rather than doing. The complexities of the game can be frustrating for a five year old. I’m no accomplished gamer either, so I’m a sad tour guide through the content. 

Amanda and I are falling into place. I still have to move out, but a lot of my essence has already been moved over. We have a TV and Playstation 2 in the bedroom with a wireless controller. My big 48″ LCD took over in the living room, and it’s memorizing contrasted with the 28″ she had before. It’s nice to wake up next to her. It’s starting to feel like our place, not just her place that I moved in to. 

Life has been on an exceptional roll. I’m having fun and doing great. I have zero complaints about my current circumstance. I hope all is well with you. 

Participation

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Score: +4

My work environment is changing; things are being hammered into reasonable order finally. It’s not social hour anymore, it’s the summer busy season, and a new level of observation is being implemented company-wide. Personally, I have no objection. I’m a hard worker already and don’t need to be molded into something useful. 

Amanda and I celebrated this afternoon. I found out I lost 10 pounds since my last weigh in a couple of months ago. Which is the byproduct of living a secondary life and controlling weight through intake. I hardly eat at all anymore, and usually waiting until around 5 pm to eat for the day. I get hungry sometimes, but that’s the way it is. If you don’t want to exercise and still lose weight, take in fewer calories than your body will need to function, and stored fuel will be used to balance everything out. I have a goal: to get below 200 lbs, and I hope to make that goal by the end of the year, and finally complete my Lone Bull Project. 

We moved therapy back to once a month, because frequency becomes relevant at a time of need. Currently, things are going fantastically well. I have no complaints about the quality of my life. Amanda and I have a great relationship, and she has helped me on multiple occasions while on my mental health journey. She has been a positive influence on me. 

I’m tired. I get up really early (4:30 am) and my body just wants to surrender to sleep. One more day to go. 

Destined To Collide

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Score: +3

I have been establishing success at a new, unprecedented level in my life. I’m in a stable relationship and have constructed a life that satasfies me thoroughly. It’s not an easy road, and I must work hard every day to stay on top of my responsibilities. 

I missed my night meds last Saturday night, and it really messed me up the next morning. I had shivers and hot flashes, clammy skin, muscle spasms, nausea and anxiety. Not doing that again. We nearly had to cancel our fishing trip we had planned but once my morning meds were metabolized I was fine. 

Amanda and I have been cruising along uninhibited for almost five months, and we have yet to fight about anything, or even fundamentally disagree about an issue. We have had several conversations where a problem was discussed and worked-through with logic and reasoning over the course of a civil discourse. It’s such a dramatic change from the norm that I hardly know what to do with myself sometimes. She just consistently makes me happy, and the life I have with her is the best one I’ve yet to make for myself. 

Today was therapy. I got some chores done around the house and was there at the clinic a good 40 minutes before my session, despite having tried to stall myself with projects. Jax was also early for her afternoon appointment and we were alone together in the waiting room. At first, I thought that it could only be a bad thing, but then I got to wondering how anything that could happen in the waiting room could have any impact on my life whatsoever? There’s no harm in being friendly with someone you used to love, especially in light of all the trauma there is to dig up there. Why not set a positive tone for the undecided future? Hanging on to negative feelings from my past is not something I care to do anymore. So we conversed and she caught me up on the various changes in her life. She seems happy and healthy, which is really great. I don’t wish any calamity upon her or anyone for that matter. Anyway, it could have been a bad thing, but it wasn’t. 

We moved my therapy to once a month, because I’m stable and being a good steward of my mental health. It’s not necessary to get too deep into my life, because there isn’t anything wrong with it. I’m doing fine, and that’s all well and good, but not productive for introspective therapy. I summarize events for Margaret now, and list the productive events of my life. Margaret has better things to do than listen to me natter on about how happy I am. I started playing WoW again, and sometimes Amanda and I quest together. It’s fun. 

Another uplifting check in. One of many more to come.