The week is over, and I’m doing much better than when it started. My mood has both improved and stabilized.
I have had some lingering sadness over my last divorce. I just keep remembering how she cheated on me while I was in the hospital. While I was in there, I kept thinking that I would renew my bond with her, and that we would work together to find and way through the difficult patch we were in. I was still in love with her. But I had let my depression get severe. I had abandoned my body and showed no purpose or direction. Then the Effexor just stopped working. I remember crying into my plastic pillow in the hospital because I was scared and I missed her. But then she came to visit me and asked me to let her go. And I said yes, so she left the hospital and slept with a friend from work the same night.
I can’t say that I didn’t deserve it. I had become distant from her. I found her interests unrelatable and her aspirations were disappointing. Apparently meeting someone online through a mental health blog and only “dating” for a few weeks before living together and getting married was not a great idea. Though I should have been able to figure that out. But I was lost and not on any meds and my mental health was improving but still very volatile. It was not the right time for a long term relationship.
Sometimes I wonder what she is doing. Is she happy in the new life she chose? When we met in the waiting room at the clinic a few weeks ago she told me that she got pregnant and had an abortion, which does not speak of responsible behavior. But I didn’t really want to know the details. She had more questions for me than I had for her.
I don’t long for anything. She revealed things to me through her actions that forever banned her from any sort of concern. But you know how your brain tends to remind you of just the fest stuff? Like the crazy sex, the laughter, and all the adventures we went on. It doesn’t remind me of the fights, the gap between us in both age and education, or all the ways we didn’t fit together. The mind tries to impale me with moments extracted from their context.
It has been a trying week. My body feels exhausted. But this weekend is going to be packed with things to do. And I’m looking forward to taking positive, forward steps. I don’t live in my past anymore, but I am reminded of it from time to time.