Some days, the cards just aren’t very good. When I woke up today, I knew things were not right. I was mopey, depressed, and dwelling on some trauma from my divorce for no good reason. There was no instigator, besides the neurochemical culprit, I believe. So I went to work and got through 3/4 of it before going home for the day. I just didn’t feel like being mister customer service anymore.
Life has been more stressful than it was earlier this year. My workload has increased and I am busy handling high-level issues everyday. I have taken over ownership of the three ticketing systems our customers use to let us know they have a problem. And summer is the busiest time of year for what I do. I like my job, but it can be grating at times.
My relationship with Amanda is being put to the test, as she battles out of the trough of severe depression. She is not working and going to a treatment program 3 days a week. She is seeing her therapist and psychiatrist regularly and is clearly walking the path to recovery. I know that her struggle is largely internal, so I do the best I can to help her sort through her anxieties and depressed thoughts. I will be there for her, however she needs me to be, and I will not let go of her. We are doing the best we can to survive this difficult time and maintain our collective sanity all the while.
Today was a hard day. With Amanda’s advice, I am discontinuing smoking weed. I think I was using it to cope with my anxiety and stress from work, and it is never good to rely on a substance to alliviate symptoms as the primary strategy. If I do smoke again, I will first have to prove to myself that I can go without it and still handle my life. It should be no different to have it or not have it. So I stopped today, and may not resume again until months have passed. Possibly longer. Until I am satasfied that I do not use it to treat a problem, but as a recreational activity with no negative context.
I think things are going pretty good overall, but there are bound to be hiccups. Depression can derail me sometimes, but a good nights sleep can usually resolve the imbalances. So goodnight blog. It’s been a difficult day, and I’m tired of feeling depressed.