Fret

Score: +2.5

I write to you in the midst of a bout with anxiety symptoms. I am alone tonight as Amanda has gone out to see her sister who is visiting town for the first time in a few years. I can’t go, because I am the on call tech tonight and must be near my work laptop in case I get another call. So I’m here in the apartment and I feel awful. My heart is tight in my chest, my thoughts are racing, my muscles feel crampy and agitated and my mood is deteriorating. I am having a lot of depression feelings welling up inside me right now; I feel like I’m crumbling. I had a good Skype chat with a friend and that did distract me for a bit. I got in the shower and just let the water run on me and tried some breathing exercises. I feel a little better, but I’m suffering still.

I’m not dwelling on anything in particular right now. My thoughts are really out of control, and moving too rapidly to really comprehend fully. In general, I’m feeling lots of negative things, though it is hard to tell what those things are exactly.

I think that I am just a little upset about being the on call tech this week. I have missed out on a lot of stuff. It doesn’t feel like the extra $250 was really worth it this time. I will be on call again in about 3 months, so hopefully I have better luck then.

I’m just struggling tonight blog. I really wish I had some pot so I could take the symptoms away, but I shouldn’t be dependent on it like that. It would be easier than suffering, however. I think that as time goes on I will feel better. The shower helped a bit.

But times like this are to be expected when you are mentally ill. This situation should come as no surprise to me, because I have felt this way before, and I will surely feel this way again. Symptom management is an every day part of coping with this disease, and it’s something I am always trying to be better at. Tonight is an excellent chance to ride the wave of anxiety until it meets the shore of sleep. Tomorrow the reset button will have been pushed, and we will start a new day at square one.

I hope your evening feels better than mine does right now. Goodnight.

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7 thoughts on “Fret

    • Thank you. I just went back and completed my Emergency Action Plan that I posted a while ago for this very reason. I created it when I was in a clear state of mind, so that I could turn to it for guidance when in a crisis. After completing step 1, I started to feel more in control. Since my symptoms seem to be neurochemical and not instigated by thoughts, I could only really pacify myself with the reassurance that I had survived worse feelings before, and that this feeling would (in all likelihood) happen again at some point. So, why am I making such a big deal out of a regular part of my disorder? Why panic over something that I know will end? Your words are appreciated, as always Sassafras.

    • Thank you, those words are quite true. Living in the future is how anxiety takes hold. I will try to just get through today, and survive until tomorrow.

    • Writing things out has helped me deal with the acute symptoms, and getting positive feedback from the community is wonderful. I feel substantially less alone than when I started. Thank you Ally.

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