Trudge

Score: +2

A dramatically better day than Monday. I endured my shift and didn’t have a breakdown. It was really hard though. 

So I feel more emotionally stable, if not marginally. My physical symptoms and low energy are still a concern. I have been spending a lot of time just soaking in the shower. Somehow the dancing water and soothing warmth pacify me. It distracts me from my emotions and other physical depression symptoms. 

Amanda’s sister is here, so unless I follow them around, I’m not going to see much of her this week. I have been feeling distant from Amanda, because a lot of the things that help us connect with each other have been put on hold since her depression got bad. We spend a lot of time being silent sitting near each other, but when we do engage it is still rewarding and positive. This state of things is not a shock to me: Amanda will not be able to access her happiness until her brain is back in balance. She can try to get in touch with it, but the good feelings that are normally there will be gone. It will be a cardboard cut-out; representing a shape without substance. So this is a difficult time for us both. She’s not going to be able to reflect love for a while, and I must accept that. 

I don’t think the Lithium has taken effect yet. I still feel imbalanced and unstable underneath the surface. 

Things at work are hectic. People there generally don’t engage me anymore, with a few exceptions. Then again, I’m not there to be anyone’s friend. That’s not what I am being paid to do. If the rest of them want to be best friends forever, more power to them. My standards for friendship are much higher than most. If I can’t engage you on any meaningful level, we won’t get far down the relationship path. 

We have started a competition at work where the number of calls we take will be kept track of and opportunities to win prizes given to people who achieve those marks. We earn tickets which will be entered into a raffle and gift cards will be distributed to the lucky winners. So the more times you meet a goal, the greater probability you might win. I have earned some already. More importantly, the spreadsheet that was sent out has everyone’s call volume on it, and some people are woefully behind the pace. 4 calls an hour is average, and I am over that mark. Most guys are in the low 3 range, with some barely managing to make 1 an hour. One call an hour? That’s just 8 calls a day! I took 41 calls today, just for comparison. 

So this is revealing because I get these slackers don’t like having their numbers published. Because they would rather give off the impression that they are making metrics when the truth says something else. I have nothing to fear from this competition, only opportunity to gain. 

So things are going to be busy. I go to therapy tomorrow. I’m looking forward to it. I need some guidance on how to handle my symptoms. 

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5 thoughts on “Trudge

      • You’re welcome. Remember the good days to get you through the bad ones. Hope tomorrow is even better.

      • The same to you! I know you are dealing with some issues of your own. All we can do is try. If we go out there and really apply ourselves to a positive end, even the smallest gains are important. With successive steps in the right direction, things will improve.

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