Today was not a good day at all, and it really began last night when my sleep was constantly interrupted by my brain for no adequate reason. I must have gotten up, wide awake, at least 6 times and I don’t think I ever had any real REM sleep. So I was drained when my alarm went off at 4:30 am and I got my ass out of bed and hauled it all the way to work. Then I drank two cups of coffee in a vain effort to combat the fatigue. After three hours of work, I was done for the day, and I left. I do this sometimes, where some mental health issue causes me to lose time on the clock. My work is very flexible about these sorts of things, and for that I am grateful. But I didn’t feel good at all coming home. I got right in the shower and soaked there for a while. I get this kind of tired that permeates every thing I do, movement, speech, thoughts… and the real bitch about it is my mind is spinning at 10,000 rpm so sleep is totally out of the question. I don’t know how to explain this very uncomfortable state. It has all the mental symptoms of an anxiety attack, but the rest of me is unfathomably exhausted. I can’t even talk correctly in this state, I slur my speech, I forget things that were told to me 1 second earlier… it’s bad. I certainly don’t deliver a high level of customer service in that state, so I often excuse myself before any damage is done.
I tried to nap just now, and failed. It’s not possible to quite my mind enough to sleep. Right now I can’t get these wretched Taylor Swift songs out of my head, and things are spinning around out of control otherwise. I wish I had some weed so I could relax and feel better, but I know relying on a substance to do the work for me is not good either. It’s a frustrating state.
Well, I’m unhappy about today. I want it to be over so I can try again tomorrow and have a positive result. This pretty much sucks.
To update an earlier item:
After my third cold shower I started to calm down. I sat in the water and just thought about my life. I tried to settle down my spinning anxiety, which was getting to an elevated physical level. My body still feels uncomfortable, but it’s getting better. Amandaand her sister going walking at Lake Murray tonight. But I’m not feeling up to joining them.
I weighed myself today. Just to put things in perspective, in March of 2014 I weighed 280. Today I weigh 209. I have basically just stopped eating the huge amount of food that I had been eating. I don’t like exercising. My goal is 185.