Out Of Freebies

Score: +2

I have been having a hard time staying on track lately. I missed work today, using my last floating holiday for this year. I woke up this morning and was just so tired. I couldn’t drive, I was unsafe. So I went back to bed for two more hours. 

Today we had an expected visit from CPS which had been looming for a couple weeks. Tristan got kicked out of a shoddy teenager-run summer camp and he was doing some inappropriate sexual things so they called CPS. Tristan was being bullied at the summer camp because he’s small for his age and he was the youngest there. I’m not sure where he learned the humping, but we had a talk with him about it and he’s been fine in the month since the incident. So CPS came by and talked to us, and they are going to close our case. They see no problem with our parenting ability, the house is clean, there’s plenty of food, there’s no cause for alarm. But Amanda and I have been stressing over this pending visit for days, and it’s over now. Anxiety will just move on to something new, as it always does. 

Today was my first dose of Buspar. Im on 5 mg two times daily, which I doubt will be effective. I was on 15 mg twice daily before my hospitalization. But I don’t think it was effective then because there were so many other bad things happening to me. I have had regular anxiety symptoms which seem to peak in the evening, but I think I need to take it in the morning and then in the afternoon. I should emphasize balance during work. I can’t be getting anxious when I’m trying to do my job. It’s been hard without the weed. I was not having any symptoms like I am now when I was using regularly. I know that’s not a good thing. I spoke with Amanda and there’s no chance I’m going back to regular usage again. Amanda doesn’t want it, and since she has a serious problem with addiction, that habit would only create conflict. So if I do smoke again, it will be as an occasional user only. 

I think once my medications are balanced, I will be able to hold to a productive pattern. But they take time to work. Guess we’ll wait and see. 

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