Every Step Forward

Score: +3

176 Day Average: +2.92

I was back at work and the time really seemed to fly by. I felt like I worked half as long as I did. I was also very tired this morning, but got myself out of bed anyway. Like I mentioned earlier, my freebie day off allowance has about run out. I have to put my head down and be consistent for a while.

I’ve been taking the Buspar for a couple days and I haven’t noticed much change. At this very moment I am prickly with anxiety feelings. They typically start to take over when I am not absorbed by a distraction (like work). So this evening I ran around and kept busy for as long as possible until I arrived at this point, where I have very little else to do that interests me. I get to this place and the anxiety washes over me like storm surge. I feel accosted by physical symptoms and I spin around in my mind trying to grab on to my thoughts. I don’t much like this state. It represents a lack of control; that I have no power to contain my symptoms with the power of my cognitive mind. I don’t think 10mg of Busbar a day is going to get it done, but I’m willing to give it a week for my body to get acclimated, and then talk to my doctor again.

My world is improving slowly. My home life has been stressful because of the turmoil of my struggle and Amanda’s struggle colliding. I love her very much, but I feel detached from her as she struggles with her symptoms on her terms, and in her own way. She doesn’t often ask for help, because most of what I can do is to process things with her and talk through her anxieties. She has helped me many nights cope with this severe anxiety by doing physical things (electrode-muscle-shocks, valerian root, heated massages) and I can’t tell you how wonderful it is to feel like someone has your back. She has mine, and I have hers, and we are struggling, but persevering over our current dilapidated state.

I think we are headed in an upward direction, but with the generally menial increments by which we ascend, it is hard to tell. I feel no more enthusiastic as the days go by; my energy level seems to be holding steady (which is better then before, when it was deteriorating). I guess I can’t complain. Life has not dealt me a killing blow, like losing my truck or losing my job would effectively be. I should be counting my lucky stars that things have not been catastrophically bad, because life has a way of just handing you devastation as though it were a basket of bagels.

I am going to cool myself off in the shower and try to find a way around these symptoms.