The week is over, and it was a struggle for me. I missed some time at work but did well when I was there. I am trying to get my seat moved away from the really ridiculous nincompoops that I sit adjacent to, because their toxic fumes make my brain angry. I really wish the summer was over so we could fire some of these losers, because that’s what they are. They don’t do the job correctly, they push responsibilities off onto other people so they have to do less work, and they’re perpetually unprofessional. How would you like hearing someone from customer service eating food while you were on the phone with them? It’s disgusting, and those mics do indeed hear you chewing. Ugh. So I have a chance to sit a little farther away from them and I think I’m going to take it. I just can’t be exposed to the radiation any longer.
But work is work and I’m leaving it there. My weekend is already looking full. We have the boy 3 days early because Amanda’s ex husband and his wife are having their anniversary and they want to be alone, so we’re covering. Which is fine, because when Amanda was sick and couldn’t care for him or herself, he watched the boy for a few days until she stabilized. We’re supposed to be a team, even if Jesse has no respect for either of us. I think he looks down on us because we are mentally ill, but he’s no golden god either. He cheated on Amanda twice and blamed her for it each time. So he’s not a great guy, and his opinion really doesn’t mean much. Amanda is still VERY hung up on needing his approval though, and that’s not so great (because he doesn’t care about her anymore).
Meanwhile, I have been ok. I think the Busbar might be having some small effect. I feel less flattened under my anxiety than I have for the last few days. I don’t know if that is just a coincidence of me coping better or the meds working. But that tight-chest feeling and the constant muscle agitation has subsided. I guess that’s exactly what the Busbar is supposed to do, but I don’t think it’s fully kicked in.
Amanda and I seem to be talking more lately, and we are starting to get closer. I feel like our illnesses and symptoms put a block between us, but ever since things started improving, we have been seeing each other better. I know that it’s going to take a lot of time before we are close again, but I am totally willing to wait. Patience is a virtue, and necessary when trying to survive mental illness. Nothing about mood disorders happens fast (except mania/suicide), and we must take our steps every day and do so for a long period of time. It’s the only way to not exhaust oneself on the way out of the hole.
I am going to be fine. I need to put in a full week after this weekend and represent myself at work.