Score: +3.5

The week is over, and it was a struggle for me. I missed some time at work but did well when I was there. I am trying to get my seat moved away from the really ridiculous nincompoops that I sit adjacent to, because their toxic fumes make my brain angry. I really wish the summer was over so we could fire some of these losers, because that’s what they are. They don’t do the job correctly, they push responsibilities off onto other people so they have to do less work, and they’re perpetually unprofessional. How would you like hearing someone from customer service eating food while you were on the phone with them? It’s disgusting, and those mics do indeed hear you chewing. Ugh. So I have a chance to sit a little farther away from them and I think I’m going to take it. I just can’t be exposed to the radiation any longer.

But work is work and I’m leaving it there. My weekend is already looking full. We have the boy 3 days early because Amanda’s ex husband and his wife are having their anniversary and they want to be alone, so we’re covering. Which is fine, because when Amanda was sick and couldn’t care for him or herself, he watched the boy for a few days until she stabilized. We’re supposed to be a team, even if Jesse has no respect for either of us. I think he looks down on us because we are mentally ill, but he’s no golden god either. He cheated on Amanda twice and blamed her for it each time. So he’s not a great guy, and his opinion really doesn’t mean much. Amanda is still VERY hung up on needing his approval though, and that’s not so great (because he doesn’t care about her anymore).

Meanwhile, I have been ok. I think the Busbar might be having some small effect. I feel less flattened under my anxiety than I have for the last few days. I don’t know if that is just a coincidence of me coping better or the meds working. But that tight-chest feeling and the constant muscle agitation has subsided. I guess that’s exactly what the Busbar is supposed to do, but I don’t think it’s fully kicked in.

Amanda and I seem to be talking more lately, and we are starting to get closer. I feel like our illnesses and symptoms put a block between us, but ever since things started improving, we have been seeing each other better. I know that it’s going to take a lot of time before we are close again, but I am totally willing to wait. Patience is a virtue, and necessary when trying to survive mental illness. Nothing about mood disorders happens fast (except mania/suicide), and we must take our steps every day and do so for a long period of time. It’s the only way to not exhaust oneself on the way out of the hole.


I am going to be fine. I need to put in a full week after this weekend and represent myself at work.

11 thoughts on “Hater

  1. Oh I hate and loathe noxious fumes from lazy asshole “coworkers”. I do hope you can move.
    I hope you and Amanda are able to enjoy your weekend with the little one. I’m so glad to see you two are talking after putting up the walls. I know we do it out of protection-for ourselves and others-but it takes a special kind of person to be able to connect to and break them down. Good job.
    As for work-it’s Friday night. Don’t think about it until you get up Monday.
    I’m on buspar as well-along with klonopin, Wellbutrin and celexa-and I noticed a huge improvement in my feeling department when I started the new meds and came off of the trileptal. I got my feels back! I’ve been laughing-and doing it to the point of belly pains and face cramps! I even got my dog in on it this evening I was laughing so hard-and she’s never done that! I’ve only been on my meds about 3 weeks, and I noticed relatively quickly the change in myself. I have a pretty good feeling the buspar has kicked in for you :) Wow, this is long!

    • Very nice to hear from you Sassafras. There is still a lot of work to be done between Amanda and I, but progress is incremental by necessity. If we are truly intent on beating back the depression, then we must be patient and persistent. When we have her son it gets a little crazy around here. But in a good way. I’m do glad to hear your meds are working. Having emotions again must be fantastic. Amanda and I have only recently started laughing at things again. In fact tonight we just watched about 15 minutes of a D film called Animal, which we were happy to laugh at. I still have work to do on my mental health, bit isn’t that ALWAYS the case? Constant vigilance, I say.

      • Any relationship takes work-time and effort and the WANT to work on it as well. When you said persistent the first thing that comes to mind is Professor Moody in Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire: “CONSTANT VIGILANCE!!” Good crazy is worth it, especially with littles. They really do bring joy into our lives when we least expect it. Yes, it’s almost thrilling to have my feels again. Any little bit helps after the depression-no matter how bad the movie :D We will always be working and fighting for our mental health-and it certainly does take constant vigilance!

      • Professor Moody is precisely where that quote comes from. An excellent slogan, even if it was Barty Crouch Jr. that said it. I am happy when the boy is here, he makes us talk, and answer questions, and we come out of our shells a bit, if only to maintain functionality for his sake. Having fewer anxiety symptoms is really nice, but coming out of the hole you came out of must be sensational. I’ve only had transitions like that when I was discharged from the hospital.

      • Yes, Barty Crouch is a horrid wizard. I do not like how the made him the one that tortured Neville’s parents when it was really Bellatrix that did it. Argh! It’s one of my favorite movie lines. I I don’t think you are maintains functionality, it sounds more like engaging and doing things out of the comfort zone-which can set off panic and anxiety. Yes, to say that I came from the most empty of places to here in such a relatively short time is pretty close to a miracle. I think the right mental health team makes all the difference!

      • Don’t movies always have their own interpretation of a perfectly good story that people have loved just the way it was? That’s directors though, leaving their indelible mark on something that someone else created.

        We used to put on a face for the boy because we didn’t want him to see us struggling, but now that we have more energy and stability, it’s more natural. We have energy to give to him, as opposed to before where we could only spare a granola bar sized ration.

        Having a good and cooperative mental health team is CRITICAL. it’s one of my 3 pillars of mental health stability. My doctor wanted to lower my dose of my only antidepressant when she prescribed me the Busbar, because she was afraid I would become manic/suicidal. But I told her that I had never been pushed to mania by meds EXCEPT by my very first back-alley psychiatrist who thought it was a great idea to put me on 3 antidepressants at once. Not fun. I’m glad you have a responsive team. My current psychiatrist listened to me, and it looks like we did the right thing by adding the Buspar. I’m definitely not headed towards mania, and I’m glad my antidepressant got to stay where it was.

      • Yes they do-and sometimes it’s those little things in movies that infuriate me. Books are always better-hands down. I see what you mean about the boy. Ooo-now I want a granola bar! After my last med fiasco I lost confidence in my other mental health team, and I think I out grew my therapist. She was good in the beginning, but I’ve grown so much that it’s time to be challenged. I’m glad you were able to tell your doc about your feelings and reactions about the meds, and that she listened. So many are afraid to speak up to their docs because they’ve been railroaded so many times.
        Enjoy the weekend with the boy and Amanda!

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