Score: +3

I have had progressively fewer anxiety symptoms over the last few days. I think the Buspar is having some sort of effect, but the free-roaming paranoid thoughts are still there. But I have some measure of control over this, and I rationalize those uprisings with patience. It’s the reacting rapidly that causes the most problems, and not just for me but for anyone who struggles with anxiety. I try not to let those dangerous thoughts gain much traction in my mind; instead, I see them for what they are and downgrade the emotional chaos that comes with them. Abandonment, fear, doubt… these are all fuel for those thoughts. I have come to a better understanding, and the symptoms being less severe has contributed to my clarity.

But will it last? Who really knows. My meds are going to change in the near future, hopefully to address the slight imbalances I experience in my neurochemistry. But this is a gradual process. I have enjoyed unprecedented stability for the last year or more on my current cocktail. I have tried all sorts of medications over the last 12 years, and I think that anyone suffering from mental illness should be thinking similarly. Why? Because we’re all fools if we think that psychiatric meds are anything but a educated estimate as to their effectiveness on an individual. Even with the advancements in the science of understanding mental illness, we don’t know exactly how it works in the brain, and it is certainly not ALL neurochemistry. Not at all, in fact, and that has been definitive shown to be the case. It is a slice of the pie. But an important slice, because it has trickle-down effects on the overall state. And since everyone has a slightly different set of symptoms, we all respond to the medications differently. Diagnosis shmiagnosis. What the meds are SUPPOSED to be used for may be irrelevant if taking them has some benefit for you beyond the FDA approved usages. I take an anti-psychotic intended to be used for people with schizophrenia, yet that medication balances my mood and keeps me from having psychotic breaks (I know that’s not a great example, because lots of Bipolar people take anti-psychotics). I have taken many such meds, some work, some don’t. That’s the game we all must play; we settle on one dose for a while, but then things change and we move on to the next option. I’ve never known anyone with mental illness who was diagnosed, prescribed meds and never took anything else because it worked perfectly for them on the first try. The brilliant science of guessing.

In large part, things are good. I cherish these times when my mind is clear and my emotions are in balance. I am scared though, because I have had times like this before and they have come unwound into the threads of life, shapeless, hopeless, gone. But I must say that in THIS run, I have been stable for a longer period of time than ever before without provoking a change in my medications or dramatically altering things along the way. it’s pretty much been the same stuff for a while now, and we are only adding little bits to it to round out the whole picture. Adding is not re-composing the whole thing. So this is good.

I hope you are all having a good night.