Aren’t we all just trying to figure out our lives as best we can? I mean, I’ve fucked up in my past, but I don’t live there. Amanda and I just had a great talk about this very thing, as she is having a hard time letting go of concern for her ex husband. Personally, I related the story of my own struggle in letting go of my past. I think it would be best to approach things without the confusion of volatile emotions. When I look back on my last marriage, I see it for what it was. We were foolish and acting impulsively. There were a lot of things I didn’t know about her, and many more that I never even tried to find out about or understand. We never really got to know each other very well before committing. I can’t say that I sympathized with her very well, and she never showed much interest in me. Was any one person at fault? Life doesn’t work that way. There is no perpetrator and there is no victim. Everyone in a complex relationship must realize that they each take on those roles at different times, for different reasons.
I have had a long time to really think over that difficult time in my life. I don’t have any animosity for Jax anymore. I don’t blame her for mistakes she made. Who am I to judge? I made just as many mistakes as she did. I told Amanda that I have truly let her go in my mind. I’m not expecting to ever talk to her again, or think about her at all. There is nothing left there. We are never going to be friends. Amanda still hangs on to the thought that she will still be friends with her ex, and she wants him to care about her. But he doesn’t. That tie is severed, forever. Amanda has to let go of her ex, like I have with mine. I can honestly say that I have no concern for Jax, wherever she is in the world now. I mean, I don’t wish he ill; I just don’t care anymore, one way or the other. Amanda must, eventually, do the same, or she will continue to suffer from an unrequited concern. It’s kinda like forgiveness, but it is internal and unacknowedged. She won’t get any response from her ex, and neither will I. But that’s not why we forgive. I forgave because I don’t want to hold on to my feelings anymore. They just hurt me. So I let them go. And I hope Jax has done the same, so her life can move forward. As mine has.
Amanda will need a lot of time to detach from her 14 year marriage, and all of the things that happened during it. She has much more weight to unload than I did. But we must move forward and let go of the past. There is no going back. She really does want to move on, but there is a lot of work to do. She has to take a step every day, and go that for many consecutive days. It’s a long road out of the hole, but there is a way out.
I am going to be right there with her. Every step, we take together.