Firmly Planted in Regret

Score: +3.5

It was a Monday, and I had a good day today. There was plenty of opportunity to flounder like I had the past several weeks, but instead, I rose to the challenge and did not balk in the face of decision. I stayed for my entire shift, and I intend to do the same for the remainder of the week. I MUST enter a pattern of consistency… too long have I been imbalanced and unsteady. Now, with the recent medication adjustments, I feel great. I am back to 100%.

At work, I moved my seat away from the idiots that infuriate me, and now I have my own little cubicle to rule as my domain! I don’t share my desk with anyone and I am SO thankful for the change. My bosses realized I was being harassed and annoyed where I was, and let me go to my own little sanctuary so I can work effectively. That’s precisely what I did all day: I hammered out dozens of help tickets that had been accumulating over the weekend (because no one but me [basically] looks at them). I am shielded from the stupidity and I am very happy with that.

So I’m doing good. I will admit (that with Amanda’s encouragement) that I left a rather solemn and (in retrospect) regretful comment on my ex’s blog. I went back there to see what she had been up to, and I found her very much in the same condition she was in when we were together. She’s still holding on to a great deal of negative energy about me. She referred to our relationship as “horrendous,” which I find odd, and contradictory to the reality of it. But then again, I’ve managed to make sense of the things I did, and I own them… but no where in her writings does she ever seem to process the things she did, the mistakes she made, the issues that she still struggles with. She’s angry at me and her most recent boyfriend for some reasons that I know, for my part, aren’t accurate. In short, I think she’s created a reality for herself that rids her of the need to be responsible for her actions or work on changing her destructive behaviors. If she is the victim of misogynistic men and unfavorable circumstances then she doesn’t have to alter her pattern. It’s much easier than living in the real world, where we have to take responsibility for the things we do, and how they impact others. We live outside of our own delusions in a wold that is full of considerations. I, personally, don’t gain any satisfaction from misconstruing the truth of what happened in my life. Lies don’t solve my problems. They might serve to cover them up and keep me from the hard truth… but what good is that? I can’t grow if I’m in denial. So I see her in this really unfortunate place, and I told her as much. So she deleted my comment. I guess I should have seen that one coming.

Well blog, I’m off to bed. I think that tomorrow will be another great day. Though even if it is not, I can certainly still make it one. Right?

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