I have been trying to write all evening and I keep deleting my posts because they were just so badly written. I guess I have a lot of scattered thoughts and I’m feeling self-conscious because they aren’t super awesome and fun. But I must remind myself that the point of this blog is not to have something spectacular and revolutionary to share. My blog started as an english language coping mechanism and has been a place where it was always safe to express my thought processes (regardless of content).
Because this blog was the source of and lasted through the end of my last marriage, it is also a testament to progress. When I look back on those 2013-2014 posts, I really empathize with myself. I was often scrambling for reason whilst mired in symptoms. I got myself in a relationship when I had not established good mental health for any stretch of time. It was the wrong time to fall in love, but it happened.
Part of my desire to climb past the ruins of my previous life comes from a place of solemn acceptance. I look at my actions, and I ask myself: “what could I have done differently?” Finding that truth within myself is the essence of my introspective process.
I was wrong to commit to Jax when I couldn’t even commit to myself. Deep in my soul, I was dark and I hated who I was. I did not desire to improve; my life had become a disappointment because I was relying on things other than myself to help me feel good. Jax couldn’t help me if I wasn’t willing to help myself. But I had no incentive to change, I came to realize that I had trapped myself in a life I didn’t want. Jax was not who I thought she was going to be. My job was not what I signed up for. My depression ate away at me, every day. Soon, I was nothing. I had refused to witness my own demise.
Even though my past is traumatic, the only way to learn and move beyond the pain is to expose it to the light of understanding. I didn’t stuff anything away and pretend it never happened. I didn’t come out here to my blog and attempt to convince everyone that I had been victimized without inheriting my share of the responsibility. I was hurt, and I processed my anger out in the open like I do with everything on this blog. Importantly, I started to grow from the moment of absolution. I gathered my wits, and went about re-invisioning my life. I was not going to stay rooted in my past, I was determined to try again.
My blog has been exposed to all of this madness. I regret some of it, but never once did I redact or delete anything anyone else had to say about what I wrote. Your voice has just as much right to be heard as mine, and everyone is allowed to disagree. I encourage discention because it forces me to reconsider. Extra viewpoints are not what this blog was intended for, but are welcome regardless of content. Though I will delete your comments if you are just an adbot and all you want to do is tell me about Viagra.
I am glad I have this place. Reading Jax’s blog the last few days really helped me to appreciate why I write. This is a healing process. It is stark, absurd, deranged and unique. What else would you expect a mentally ill persons blog to be about? I know in my heart that I did my best to improve as a person because of what happened between Jax and I. I have made huge strides since then. I know now how it feels to be proud of myself for all of the new things I have accomplished . I feel like a strong and confidant lunatic holding his head high and wearing a goofy grin. I tried to wish Jax farewell and to hope that she could get past the things that continue to hold her back, but she didn’t want to see it or have it seen by anyone else. That says a lot about what she uses her blog for. Definitely not a place where any learning is happening.
Tomorrow is another day, and who knows what surprises are in store?