At Last

Score: +3.5

It’s the end of the week, and I am glad. Today I was very tired, right from the get go. I pounded the Peets to the measure of six cups, and it managed to clear the cobwebs out of my head but not much more. I was yawning and feeling like I got about 2 hours of sleep when I had actually slept for 8. I guess this is my punishment for being so inconsistent and missing work. I was used to a schedule of working two or three days and then getting a break. Not so this week. 40 hours. 

I had energy enough to have a great session with Margaret, but it seemed to take the wind out of my sails. I really want to be able to stay up and play tonight, but I doubt that will happen. With or without coffee. 

Work was better today because I just kept to myself. I saw bad things happening, but I didn’t say anything about it. Not my problem anymore. I just need to do my job, that is all. 

Overall, I’m doing really good. We are going to the beach tomorrow and that’s good because it’s going to be very hot tomorrow. With an emphasis on very. 

Have a happy Friday. 

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45 thoughts on “At Last

    • Considering what you are going through right now, I truly appreciate you taking time to comment. I’m so sorry about your meds. When my medications failed, I was in total chaos. I lost my job, my partner and my sanity. I can’t imagine having kids to deal with while all that was going on. My girlfriend’s son is a full-time job on our meds.

      Sass, hang in there. I will be here all weekend if you need to chat. I live in eastern San Diego county and it was 94 out here today. But since I live on the top floor with my girlfriend, the apartment stays hot. At 6:30 pm it’s 91 degrees inside. We have no ac. Sigh.

      • Ewwie. Hot upstairs with no ac. I feel for you guys! This last week has been chaotic getting the kids on a school schedule, now the med thing. Blah! I love reading your posts. They are honest and straight to the point. Very logical :) Bow howdy you’re WAAAAAY far away from me lol! It was 80 here with a breeze. It is a HUGE balancing act for me-then throw in my fucked up shoulder-I think I have a little reason to be angry-stabby, really. But I’m still here fighting!

      • Our boy started kindergarten Thursday, guess all the kids are headed back to school. Thanks for the compliment. I use the blog to summarize my experiences and process them (however bland they tend to be). Ventilation of thoughts.

        Pain on top of all that? Holy shit girlslice. Yeah, the weather here is hostile in the summer, but we don’t really ever have winter. We get a less hot season with Santa Ana winds from the desert which smell of sand and flowers. But this year it will be very different with that super strong El Niño forming in the pacific. Looks like our drought will be over, somewhat.

      • Oh it’s so hard when they go to school for the first time! I cried when Monkey went-because she didn’t say bye lol. We all use our blogs to help us process and I think it’s so cool to see how we all process differently. I find it quite beautiful. Yeah, I dislocated my shoulder back in March while at work. First doc said surgery, second opinion doc said no you’re good. Now I’m in constant pain and I can hardly lift anything more than 10 pounds. Stupid asshole. Oh I love the smell of sand and the ocean! Can’t say I’ve kept up with the forming El Niño. I don’t really watch or read the news-it’s a trigger. Hopefully you can get some decent rain!

      • I think that the more we expose inner processes to the open air, the less toxic they become. I am constantly looking for signs of trouble because I have ruined my life so many times. My blog has become essential to that. Remember professor Moody?

        That sucks about your shoulder. Amanda has arthritis and she’s been on all sorts of things to deal with the pain. But sobriety has taken precedence over pain. Unfortunately necessary to prevent an even worse enemy from dragging her down (major depressive disorder).

        I’m not so much into the news, but I am an amateur meteorologist (geologist and astronomer as well), so I keep my finger on the pulse of science. We are lined up for the most rain in this part of the world since they started keeping records in the late 1890s. I remember 1997, when the last one hit. It was utter insanity for 4 months.

      • I agree-it also helps with stigma. I’m just now getting to the point that I can recognize the trouble most of the time, and apologize for the bad things I did and blamed it all on Bipolar. I love Professor Moody-CONSTANT VIGILANCE! :) I’m sure that her sobriety is a huge factor for the both of you. I know there are some meds for depression that can be used for pain management as well, but keeping her from going down the rabbit hole is the most important for sure.
        You’re just a super smart guy! I hate that the meds and mood swings have cause holes in my brain. I used to remember the names of people I’d met and the time date and place I met them. Now? It takes a few times for me to remember their names. Oh lord, ’97?! I can’t remember much from the past spring! Impressive. Though the winter of ’13-’14 we had the horrid polar vortex and we got a record 60″ of snow in Indianapolis, and a windchill of -40. No thank you! I hate-no, I LOATHE the cold.

      • I don’t expect to be understood or defeat the stigma. Misconceptions thrive abundantly in the world of ignorance, and most people are happy in it. Ears plugged, mind you.

        I was on my way to being a college professor when the depression hit me the first time. I dropped out of school and have been struggling to achieve some sort of life ever since. My brain though has only really suffered because of side effects. Some of those have been pretty devastating. I was on Seroquil for a while and that turned me into a zombie. The Geodon knocks me out if I take it with food, it almost makes me drunk on tired. It’s insane. I’ve had to go home from work because of it at times.

        When the winter starts, you guys will have an abnormally hot and dry winter. The south and east will be thoroughly saturated. And no hurricanes at all in the Atlantic, but believe it or not, a great chance of a hurricane climbing the pacific west coast reaching California. Which like never happens.

      • Yes most people are happy with it-like Stepford Wives. I personally don’t (always) want to be understood but I want to be heard. Ignorance abounds, and it’s easier to be one of the sheeple than to be a genuine person nowadays. I would like to help break down the barriers of stigma-but that’s me and I know it’s not for everyone.
        Wow you were going to be a professor? What were you going to teach? I find the fact you are still here means you are living a life-albeit not the one you once pictured-but you are living-we all are. Ick seroquil made me sleeeeep and I was on the “lowest dose”. Fuck that! Geodon knocked me out too. The Trileptal at the 600 mg dose made me dizzy drunk and I didn’t like it, then came the over medicating of that one. Abilify was a GREAT one for my stability, but I’ve lost the ability to use certain words. I really have to think, or go to dictionary.com and use the thesaurus to find the word I want. And all the brain fog with the other meds. Ick Ick Ick. I’m donating my brain to science when I die so they can see and study the effects and affects of psychiatric drugs to the brain.
        Sounds like the winter of ’01-’02 here when I was pregnant with my son. The week he was born is was 75-at the beginning of March. I am perfectly ok with no cold-then again, Indiana weather is unpredictable so you never know what we’ll get here! Guess the east coast will be digging out again! Holy moly that’s freaky cool.

      • I try not the spend too much time frustrating myself with he bleating herd and it’s arbitrary whims. I’m never going to change any of it, so I try and live my life to better understand real happiness and love. These things seem really important to the essence of being, and I have dedicated my existence to understanding those sensations. I feel like I can do so much to be a great person to myself, to help raise my girlfriend’s son and to be someone I can feel proud of. That’s plenty.

        I was at UCSB in super advanced Biblical literature and english, and I wanted to teach english, but I hadn’t really picked a specialty yet. I know WAY too much about the Bible, and a lot of other religious texts that never made it to the final draft. It was revolutionary for me. But I got depressed, and my wife detached from me because I became a weakling and a loser (to her). She was a really wicked woman, but love can blind us from certain things. I got symptomatic and she divorced me and I dropped out of school and lost my whole life. That was 2009.

        My girlfriend is on Abilify, and it actually makes her creativity bloom like it never has before in her time combating depression. Subsequently it also makes her wake up in the middle of the night for 2-3 hours so she never gets an 8 hour block anymore. Side effects… right? Crazy shit.

      • I think it’s great you can recognize and accept you’re ok with just living a better life for yourself and that you can learn real happiness and love. That takes a great amount of strength. Bravo.
        Whoa dude you have like a monster smart brain. So fucking awesome! And a little intimidating if I may admit. Ugh your ex wife sounds like my husband-it’s all our fault blah blah blah. Assfuckery. I bet you’ll be surprised what is in your future. I really liked Abilify-not so much the 30 pound weight gain though. What does Amanda do when she isn’t fighting the depression? I read a lot of us have the no longer solid sleep due to meds thing. Ugh the people who create these “wonder pills” are just fucking stupid. I don’t care if the have a PH FUCKING D in biochemistry. They’re causing more harm than good, and some days we need soup ladles to take all these damn pills. Yes, it’s super crazy shit!

      • I don’t want to be disappointed in myself, because I have been there and it sucks. Finding my own definition of meaning is a personal quest that should last my entire life. This gives me something to do, so I do not get bored or depressed. But we all cope differently, and try to make it however we can. I don’t judge. I just hope happiness, because it is such a fantastic feeling when it is real and not the result of trickery.

        Don’t be intimidated. I am a great teacher. I’m never pedantic and I can put things in a way that will make complex theories easy to comprehend. Or, I have in the past. I find that people who are content with ignorance are angered by me because I disturb their reality with contradictions. But Sass, I’m just a guy in the world who has been through some shit that I can still remember. Your enduring desire to use a thesaurus is admirable, because it demonstrates that you still want to know things; to find answers to questions. The spark of curiosity is not dead in you, it thrives. So I applaud you. Sass, you are rare in this world, and don’t forget it.

        Those antipsychotics cause weight gain. The same has happened to Amanda over the last few years. She’s 50 pounds in and trying to steer the ship a new direction. But it’s an uphill battle because it makes you hungry all the time and then turns all carbohydrate directly into fat. She’s trying to get off it, but moves like that take time. The science of psychopharmacology is largely guesswork. So don’t let the doctors tell you shit. They have NO IDEA if the meds they prescribe will have a benefit to your unique neurochemical imbalances. They try one that they think might work, and if it doesn’t, they try another. And so on. So I always say: try a shitload of them until you find the 2-4 of them that work without serious side effects. It’s all we can do.

      • I think that’s fucking awesome that you are looking to find your OWN definition and meaning of and for your life, and that shows you are your own person and don’t let the fuckers of society dictate who and what you should do and/or be. These are the people that create greatness through history. I applaud you too. Yes, we all do cope differently and each way is neither right nor wrong-it just is. It’s been so long since I’ve felt happiness that idk what it feels like. But I do know what peace is and feels like, and that’s what I’m personally striving for on this path in my life. Oh I wish I could just sit down and question the universe with you. You are someone that can challenge my brain to possibly redevelop new neural pathways! Eeeeek! :D I hate idiocy as it has become a standard. God forbid you question things anymore. With the advent of the Internet, Google, stupid Wikipedia and so on, no one LEARNS anymore!! Argh! *Im the mean mom that pulled up the states and capitols for my son and had him HAND WRITE them out :O The audacity of me ;)* oh god do I love to question things and find out how and why the work and why did this cause that…my curiously is what keeps me sane sometimes. Thank you, so very very much, Westin, for that most beautiful compliment. I’ll have you know I teared up a bit. Thank you :’)
        Ugh the weight gain is HORRIBLE! The worst-I had the 30 pound weight gain over 5 years and I was active in my job-walking/running, lifting and pulling for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, and don’t think I ever really lost the weight. Once I was off the Abilify-poof! 30 pounds gone in no time-but that may have had to do with the broken lady parts that lead to such EXTREME pain I couldn’t eat. Eh, 6 one way, half a dozen the other. Amazingly I wasn’t hungry on the Abilify. It was the Lamictal that I had to eat homemade chocolate chip cookies every day for 6 weeks-20 pounds right there-from the sweet tooth side effect. It said so in big black bold letters on the pamphlet I got: May Cause Sweet Tooth. Yeah, I get THOSE weird side effects, not the usual headache, nausea, and the like.
        I agree it’s guesswork, but I’m tired of the one size fits all mentality of meds. If I go back through my messages history and think of all the side effects…sheesh! I would just like to find a med that doesn’t cause me to break out in itchy hives! :p

      • Amanda told me once that she has never been truly happy in her entire life. I’d like to think that trends like that are eventually interrupted by the chance collision of good events (just as random calamity can smite us). But we have a lot of time to help her find her happies. It will happen, and I know I can’t fix it… I just have to help it go in a positive direction. Your comment hit home with me about not knowing what happiness feels like.

        You are not mean: society has contorted the understanding of your actions into something of a misrepresentation. Your “outside the box” teaching strategies have no place in this instant-gratification world we live in. No one has time for pencils anymore. I remember when I had to learn cursive in school. Kids nowadays think I’m writing in Arabic.

        You are welcome, though I am just being logical in recognizing behavior patterns through your writing. If there’s one good thing I can do its to be honestly objective. I may be too rational for my own good sometimes.

        Speaking of side-effects, the Lithium and Geodon drowsies have hit me, and I must slither back to my cave and become dormant for a time. I hope you have a good night. It’s been fantastic chatting with you. :)

      • It’s wonderful that you recognize you can’t fix it but you can help guide her to happiness. How about when her little boy was born? I know my 20s sucked ass and the best things to happen where when my kids were born. Probably the only times I was filled to over flowing with happiness. And I think you are her chance collision :) You are supporting each other through the muck of mental illness and addiction. That’s not easy for anyone.
        I agree about our instant gratification society and the sense of entitlement that everyone now feels. They stopped teaching cursive in my state for awhile, but the school district my kids go to are taught cursive. It baffles me to think that it’s no longer a standard to learn to write-how are kids going to sign for things if they can’t write their name in cursive?! You can’t X it like on Dumbo ;)
        Logical is a good thing-I lack that logical thinking. I am honest as well, and apparently that’s NOT what people want to hear. They want to be coddled and told lies. Pfffffbt. Fuck that shit. Hope you were able to hibernate well. Unfortunately I was not. I’m going to start taking the Celexa again-side effects be damned-because the withdrawal is too much. I do very much enjoy chatting with you! It’s so nice to talk to someone and be challenged to think and respond with a deeper meaning and understanding. :) Enjoy the beach today!

      • He was born mid March 2010, and we have 50% custody. It’s important to have a break when we both struggle with mental illness… I can’t even imagine what you must be going through with your husband not being at least half responsible for your family. Not to sound callous, but a divorce would legally obligate him to take his share of the responsibility, and right now he can do whatever he wants with no consequences.

        Are you taking meds on your own, or do you consult a doctor? Sounds like you are stopping and starting independently, which could be dangerous. But if you can’t get in to see him/her and are in a crisis I totally understand.

        I hope you have a stable day. We are off to the beach soon. :)

      • I just struggle along really. I try not to allow myself to dwell on his lack of participation most days. Honestly even if/when legally divorced I think he will still only do the minimum.
        No I see a doc, but it’s difficult because this last time he had my med history all fuckered up and put someone else’s info in my chart. 15 minute med check is hardly enough time to really get into the meat of things. I took the Celexa this morning-the withdrawal was too bad. Today is good so far-with the Celexa added back in, and my husband coming over to talk to the kids and support me it has helped. My parents have gone to the lake for the day and possibly camp tonight so I’m cleaning-always cleaning here. Enjoy the beach today! :)

      • I have changed doctors at least 10 times through 12 years, and I’ve had some rotten ones and some great ones too. The one I have now is cautious because she doesn’t know my history like I do. As long as my doctor takes my medication expertise seriously I have no problem. But anyone who tries to push their own agenda I cut loose. I’m not a pharmaceutical experiment.

        I’m glad you are doing good. Just to be clear, but if you settle your custody in court and it’s a 50/50 split, he cannot do less than that without suffering legal consequences. Sometimes people will not reach an amicable situation on their own and the courts should be involved to get people motivated. But that’s neither here nor there.

        We just picked up our lunch and we are on our way to the beach. Hooray!

      • I’ve had 6 or 7 in my almost 10 years of my Bipolar Coaster. I try to be as honest and open about side effects, how I feel and what I am and am not willing to do. This new doc is pretty good, and I can’t say one hiccup in one session is reason to doubt him. I hate feeling like a lab experiment with meds.
        We are trying to work on something-what it is, I do not know yet. We are going to the State Fair Tuesday as a “family” so we shall see how things go. I don’t want to have to be a bitch and do nasty in court, but I will if need be.
        Enjoy the beach!! :)

      • We had a great time today. But since the weather is going to be so miserable this weekend, the crowds at the beach grew to enormous size in a few hours. We took off after it started to get crazy. It’s currently 97 out here in the foothills and it will probably be over 100 before it starts cooling down. Same story tomorrow, sadly.

        I think the best doctors are the ones who treat the symptoms as they arise. I’ve had some who say “oh there’s this new med you should try, it works for lots of people…” and then I go into rapid-cycling or have some insane side-effect or some shit. When they get incentives for prescribing certain meds I take issue with that. But that has only happened to me a couple of times.

        I hope you guys can reach some sort of equilibrium. It’s best to make it work, rather than having to undo something you worked hard to build. Just keep your head up and your confidence high. No one can push you around or tell you how it’s going to be.

      • Oh so glad you enjoyed yourselves, minus all the people and the heat. Is it dry heat or humid heat out there?
        I can’t say I’ve had a doc treat a symptom as is arises, though my new one is kind of baffled at the rashes I’ve had on only certain parts of my body. I had a doc say that to me about Lamictal, then I had a psychotic episode on it. Yay (sarcasm :p) Then the Latuda debacle….for fucks sake when I’m told to “ride out” the side effects when 3 of them were consult your physician immediately…eeeesh. This is only my third time seeing Dr Kamal and I have a good feeling that things will work out, because he does explain things to me even though I can come across as a difficult case to manage because of the side effects from other meds. Now if I can just meet my new therapist without having to reschedule a third time, that’d be great :)

      • It’s dry heat, the temperature is too high for humidity to hang around without anything driving it up from the south. Big high pressure system just parked right on us, very little breeze. It’s 117 out in the desert right now, and climbing. But 93 here since the peak of the day has gone by. But the temp in the apartment will be in the mid 90s until well after 8 tonight.

        Lamictal gave me a rash as 225mg and the doctors dropped it right then and sent me spiraling into depression. I went back on it a few years later but at a lower dose and did ok, but it wasn’t enough. I tend to have the outlook of “I’m paying for healthcare so I’m going to get what I want.” I’m the customer, making me happy is their job. Would we tolerate it if we paid for 16 gallons of gas and the pump puts milk in our vehicle instead? It’s not insane to hold doctors to the same standard when healthcare is a for-profit industry (unlike most places in the world where governments take care of their citizens and subsidize healthcare fully). Our nation is very capitalist, and we have to pay money when we are sick. Conveniently (here’s my sarcasm), that’s the time when we have the smallest chance of being able to pay ANYTHING because we can’t work and don’t generate any form of income while incapacitated. Insane much? But don’t mention that idea to anyone or you’ll be branded a socialist wacko and thrown in the dungeon.

      • I don’t mind dry heat since I’m cold natured. I hardly use the air in my car much more preferring open windows while I drive. What I hate is the humidity that’s so bad when you walk out the door first thing in the morning it feels like you’re drinking the air and swimming to your car. No thanks. Eesh that’s toasty out there! Do you have fans in the apartment? I remember I was about 4 and the first house my parents bought didn’t have air. Bee sat around in our undies a lot, 2 big box fans in the front window and the curtains closed, and mom washing dishes standing in a pan of ice water. Those were fun days for us, really!
        I heard a lot of people get the Lamictal rash. Oh dear lord why would they do that?! I totally agree about paying for our/my healthcare. It’s utter nonsense and bullshit that as much as one pays out for insurance that there are so many limitations on where you can go to “get better” and all the hoops and red tape to navigate. For Christ sake I’m not a dog! Don’t even get me started on big oil…we had a .70 increase in gas in 2 days because of a refinery down for mechanical issues. Here’s the kicker-IT WASNT EVEN ON THE LOCAL NEWS AND ITS A LICAL REFINERY! Mom found it in an article in a CHICAGO online paper. FFS! I guess because it’s not a Kardashian or ISIS it’s not “news worthy”. GAH! And if I pay 3.50 a gallon for gas and get milk instead, heads are gonna roll. I agree that doctors-hell ALL of healthcare should be held to the same standard of care for patients. Working in long term healthcare for 15 years I saw some good but a lot of bad when it came to management-and by that I mean corporate. Understaffed overworked employees that weren’t paid by competitive wages nor on their experience. Staff attempting to meet state mandates by cutting corners-and even having SUPERVISORS telling us to lie on paperwork to get more staff and money for the facility. I didn’t stay there at that place much longer-I had a mixed episode and was off 2 months. And why is it so wrong to want our government to step up and actually DO the things they say they’re going to do, but stand at the podium and preach how abortion is wrong and a sin, and gay marriage is an abomination while they commit adultery and fraud?! I’m ASHAMED to be an American right now. I guess I’m a socialist wacko that needs to be thrown in the dungeon. Do you think I’ll get room service there? ;) I guess socialist is the new word for free thinker and questioner of ethics and morals? :)

      • We have fans, rotary, but decent ones. But at this time in the evening the walls and ceiling is radiating the heat it has been absorbing for the last several hours. So we don’t really have a chance to get cool until well after the sun goes down. It’s 88 outside and 94 inside. But I’d rather have this heat than cold and snow. I’m a desert creature. For sure.

        Healthcare is a giant corporate entity now, just like education has become. I’m in the hole $60,000 for an education I never finished, and it will take me the rest of my life to pay it off. And to put the frosting on my shitcake: nothing I learned at school prepared me to survive in the real world. We can complain all day long about how imperfect the system is, but it’s substantially better than most of the world. We should be holding ourselves to a higher standard, but we are currently more interested in exploiting people for money to fuel the luxurious lives of the 1%. I don’t believe that a president can change our government, because that’s not how it works… however, they can keep more exploitative legislation from becoming law. I will not be casting my vote for a Republican next year because they have all clearly stated that they will cut programs that help the middle class and defund health care subsidies so the corporations make money off the people instead of the government. When people’s social and religious preferences drive the creation of law, I draw the line. I hope Bernie wins.

        And no, I doubt there will be room service down there. You get a TV though, but all you can watch is CSPAN.

      • Oh I agree on the heat not snow-though fall is my favorite season. I love everything about it-minus the commercialization of Halloween and thanksgiving. If I could live at the beach and have wifi, I’ll be kosher!
        It’s sad that we spend so much money for an education and degree you may never use that gives you absolute ZERO fit really being an adult in the real world. Ugh don’t get me started on the ultra rich ignorant assfucks. I don’t give a flying fuck about celebrity petty ignorance and the adultery some other celebrity has committed and BLARDY BLARDY BLAR! Shoot me now please. No, a president can’t change our government since he is pretty much a mouth piece and trophy for the U.S. I don’t vote Republican or even Democrat at times. I vote Independent on some local issues. As long as Trump doesn’t become president-he’s by FAR the biggest-but richest-idiot out there. For the love of all that’s holy NOOOO!! It’s always Republican cutting middle class programs so that big corp can line their pockets more. Yes what happened on the separation between church and state?! My feeling: If you are ELECTED to do a service to your country, county or city-YOU DONT GET PAID! You ran for an office that is pretty much a temp job position, and you are pretty much being an advocate for your district. ADVOCATES DONT GET PAID!! FFS ARRRRGH!

      • Well, I don’t get too hung up on the things that I did in the past… my education debt being one of them. I know I signed those loan papers, I just had no way of knowing my life would fall apart the way it did. It blindsided me.

        I know my participation in the democratic process is largely superficial considering the implications of the gerrymandering of districts and the way the electoral college works… but I still vote. It makes me feel good, somehow. I think we have a long ways to go as a race before we ever evolve further. I keep saying that what this world really needs is a disaster to bring us all together in order to survive so we ditch our petty disagreements and unite to save the species. A large meteor or comet would do the trick. We need to progress beyond race, religion, belief, and get to a place where we can just see each other as living beings who have much to offer. I don’t think our present course and heading will ever see us get to that point. I get to see the part of human history where we are still struggling to understand what we are. We are a long ways from the next step.

        Hahaha, I know, my dungeon is most cruel. But aren’t eternal punishments supposed to be? At least it’s not reruns of the Sarah Palin reality show, right?

      • Yes I see what you mean. Had I known I was manic when I started school and all the things I did, I may not be in my shit boat-BUT, I wouldn’t be here now, growing and learning and gaining the experiences I have.
        I feel the same about the whole voting and democracy process. If you don’t vote, you can’t bitch in my opinion. Even when I’m at my worst and I vote, it gives me a little bit of pride knowing I’m trying to take part in life.
        Yes, a world wide sister might help-or a zombie apocalypse. I vote for the latter-because at least then I can have fun shooting people and not worrying about going to jail ;) I often feel we as a human race will kill ourselves off before natural selection does. Mainly because we are ignorant and arrogant.
        I think I’d rather be in shiny happy harpy purgatory than be subjected to CSPAN OR Sarah Palin’s reality show! Will I at least be able to take a bubble bath?! Give me SOME “luxury” to look forward too!! lol

      • Yes indeed. We can take from loss and turn it right back around and use it as fertilizer to grow stronger. There is nothing crippling about being dealt a shitty hand; your attitude determines the reaction to the situation. It can be terrible, if you want it to be. Or, you could just minimize the damage by not taking it like a personal attack and then transitioning on past it. Easier said than done, mind you.

        Humans have a lot of potential. When given space and freedom, we try to figure things out. We are learning about what our existence does to the planet and the ecosystem. We are expanding our understanding of the mechanics of life, and probing the secrets of the vast emptiness of space. I think we could do really well, if our primary concern was to learn. Right now, those things don’t really concern us.

        Sorry Sass, the top 1% have 100% of the luxury. “It puts the lotion on its skin or it gets the hose!”

      • Yes I believe that attitude determines your reaction-but if there’s faulty wiring-like we have-things are extremely wild or non existent. Bah. It’s taken me years to forgive myself and admit that I was in the wrong for things I did or how I reacted to a situation and using my bipolar as an excuse was unacceptable. But that came with years of therapy and the right meds to finally have that clarity and go “Oh shit, I need to remedy this, if anything to forgive myself.”
        Yes we do have great potential when not being forced to dumb everything down and giving a participation trophy to everyone that tries. We need to learn that we are rewarded with hard work. As far as what we have done to the planet and ecosystem-I wanna kick nay-Sayers in their ever loving idiotic head in the sand asses. How can they believe in what space holds when it can’t be seen, yet here is factual data that can’t be refuted but it isn’t happening?! GRRRR!
        Dammit! BWAHAHAHAHA Do I at LEAST get a nice Chianti?!

      • Ownership of those mistakes is what makes us so real. I will throw my ex under the bus here because we just had a bit of a blog-comment war earlier this week and I was able to rapidly deduce that she is still stuck in the same place she was when she left me. She is in denial over her role in the divorce, and takes no time to admit and process her wrongdoing. Instead, she is quick to attack me, calling our relationship “horrendous” and me an “egotistical fool.” What I like about my past is that it doesn’t control my future. Once you do something and receive a negative outcome, it’s easy to remember that and try not to let it define you. It’s hard, however, to take a negative and MAKE a positive, but that’s what living with a mental illness is all about. She doesn’t get that. I find her attitude pitiful, and her responses immature and lost.

        Climate change has become a phrase mired deep in political spin. Most yokels don’t know what the science behind it means, and sadly, they and their 17 children will be dedicated voters. As long as we keep them all confined to Alabama I think we’re in the clear. That’s 6 electoral college votes we’ll never see again, but meh.

        Fuck… we’ll even throw in a can of Fava beans, as long as you stay quiet down in that hole.

      • It’s so sad when we can recognize our mistakes, but past partners are still quick to blame and point the finger, never accepting any responsibility for the demise of a relationship. My husband is so resentful of what I DIDNT do that he is still-and may always be-in a negative space. I feel pity and sadness for him, even though I do still love him because there is a good man underneath all the resentment. And it’s not all aimed at me, there are things from his childhood that have ZERO to do with us and it affected our relationship. Let it go man, just let it fucking go!
        Ok let’s send all the assfucks to Alabama under the guise of some political agenda, then surround them with an electric fence so they can never escape.
        Make it 2 cans and you have a deal.

      • I really worked hard to rebuild my life, and at first I was jealous of her because she got right back with a ex-con she met on OK Cupid and fell in love while I struggled to rebuild my life in the first few months after we separated. I was working on getting the divorce finalized and she was off being happy. But I knew that she hadn’t done any of the real “work” to rebuild her life… she did not reconcile her mistakes, her lack of introspective ability, her medication problems and so on. Now I come to find out that her boyfriend left her to go back to alcoholism and living on the streets with another girl he started fucking while dating Jax. I can’t say I’m surprised… even the ex-con ran out of patience with her and moved on. She hasn’t healed anything, but painted this false reality around her where everything is happy and nothing that happens to her is because she deserves it or incurred it. She has so much trauma, and it’s still as fresh as when it happened in her mind because she has made no effort to understand it, or heal beyond it. She doesn’t like to grow and she hates to learn, so she’s mired in a bitter past that she can’t escape from until she reconciles her role in creating it.

        I heard a comedian talk about the same thing, a state-sized penitentiary with a giant electric fence around it. He meant it as a joke but I think it’s a great idea! Haha. Some people just shouldn’t be a part of the decision-making process if hate and ignorance drives their objectives.

        Done and done. Enjoy your stay. Hehe!

      • Huh she sounds like my husband. It’s everyone else’s fault, they’re just along for the ride. Sad, really.
        I think it’s a perfect idea and the warden from the prison in Arizona can run it. That guy is awesome. Some people shouldn’t be involved in anything period if their agenda is fueled by hate and ignorance.
        DONT FORGET TO LEAVE THE LOTION! I hate when my elbows get ashy.

      • I agree it is sad, but no longer my concern. I have enough shit to worry about in my own little domain.

        Well, it’s back to work tomorrow. Can’t say I’m excited about it, but this is largely because I never really rested up this weekend. With the boy here we are full time go go go. He’s constantly asking us something, or demanding that we come over to him and look at what he’s looking at, and so on. After a 40 hour week I really don’t have much fuel left to spare, and what’s left ALL goes to him. I had him asking me questions about death and God today… I did my best not to have an opinion but simply present the facts as they are. He doesn’t understand why God would let us die if he was supposed to love us and created us. Even at 5, the boy has discovered the ridiculousness of the basic religious premises that so many believe. I get tonight off though because his dad is taking him a little early so his mom doesn’t have to drive out to his house at 4:00 am tomorrow before her shift starts.

        I’m sunburnt and sore, being sadly out of shape. But meh. Work in progress.

        Have a great afternoon. I hope your day with your family went well… or, not miserable.

      • I hear ya on that. I got enough to work on in my bubble, I don’t need other shit coming in or trying to pop it.
        It’s hard to relax when there are kids around-especially when they are as busy as your little guy. I am amazed he asks such adult questions that some just don’t get. All you can do is be honest with them. I personally don not believe in God or Gods, but I believe there is some higher power at work-at it could be the cosmos for all I know. I’m outta shape to, but I have no desire to get “in shape” nor do I have ability to do much with my fucked up shoulder. Boo.
        I got up at 1130, then took a nap from 130-530. And I’ll probably go to bed at 10. Lazy lazy Sunday.

      • Yeah it’s 94 inside the house. We’re all pretty crispy, and tired. Even the boy has slowed down.

        Sounds like a relaxing day. I’m not trying to get in shape either, but I am trying to learning to lose the 85 pounds I put on during the depression with Jax. I have lost 65 pounds of it by changing meds and eating substantially less. Amanda decided today that she is lowering her Abilify to be off it in a week. She’s not waiting for her doctor, which I can understand. He’s not concerned about her weight gain and she is.

        Well I was up at 3:00 am today. Can’t explain why. Just popped up ready to go. I’m 13.25 hours awake and will still be up for another 5 or so before bed time. Sigh.

      • That’s great you’ve lost 65 of it! I can’t believe her doc isn’t concerned about the weight gain. I had to get blood work done a lot while on it to make sure my sugar levels were in check and such. What is her dosage if I may ask? I was on 10 mg.
        You know it’s hot when the mighty kid machine is slowing down.
        Oh mercy me 3?! Only time I was up then was the prednisone induced mania…or when I worked 3rd shift at the nursing home in 2012. Ick. I could go back to bed and sleep until tomorrow. Ah the “joys” of meds -_-

      • She’s on 5 mg. So discontinuing is not likely to throw her into a side-effect hell. She as another antipsychotic (Zyprexa) and an antidepressant (Effexor). I think she’s going to be fine.

        I wake up at 4:30 am every weekday, so it’s not WAY abnormal to wake up that early, but unnecessary when I can afford to sleep in. I am not concerned about mania. I don’t have any of the other symptoms associated with it. I feel almost sick from the heat. I took a cold shower and that helped for about 20 minutes. Then right back to the heat.

        Stopping the Abilify helped with the weight loss, but I also had to get used to being hungry all the time. And that was a test of self discipline.

      • That’s not bad at all. I hope she does fine too.
        Ok that’s too early for me. I like my sleep. I have my alarm set for 6 but it takes half an hour to roll out of bed.
        I’m always worried about the mania because it’s when I’m at my most damaging. So I really try to watch my moods, but sometimes it takes an outsider to go Whoa Sass.
        Have you thought about those black out curtains that help keep the heat out and cool in? I know they are a little expensive, but it’s worth a shot.
        I was never really hungry on or off the Abilify until I started working and burning calories. When I work I can eat 1/2-3/4 of a large pizza myself. Or a 3 pound salad. Health care is hard work for the body. I’m sure your job can be mentally challenging when helping customers. Oh great-now I want a salad.

      • I have Bipolar II, so I go through hypomania, in which I experience obsessive behavior, highly irregular sleep patterns and anxiety which goes into serious uncontrollable paranoia. I have been there once while going through a bipolar cycle totally unmedicated and another time when my first doctor triggered it with the meds he prescribed. He too tole me to basically just “tough it out.” So I got rid of him. I keep my +10/-10 score every day to help me track my moods so that if hypomania is happening, I will have a pattern of scores going into an unacceptably high range for several consecutive days. Hence the number I lead off every blog check-in post with.

        Haha, then by all means, indulge in some verdant foliage. I would too, but if I expose a lettuce leaf to the open air in my apartment it will catch fire and burn to a crisp in seconds.

      • I always wonder about your numbers. That’s pretty smart. I’m so inconsistent with everything that when I’m “baseline” I don’t do the things I do when manic or depressed-no recording of the “stable” periods, just knowing how I feel. I’m Bipolar 1, so I only really experience depression 2 a year-July and November. My meds and my work patters and relationship have been so fuckered up for years that this new clarity I have to see HOW fuckered up everything was is both scary and exhilarating. I know when I’m going down my depression can spark paranoia-icky. Yeah, my psych nurse told me to ride out the side effects from the Latuda (latarda/ladumbda imo) that I ended up on a 4 month auto pilot that lead to such severe anxiety and bordered on psychosis. Yay! Enter 15 days of partial hospitalization, new meds and VOILA-a steady increase to baseline.
        Dad made grilled chicken and green beans and corn. HA! Sounds like something new they can do at out State Fair-Deep Fried Lettuce! Why not-they’ve fried Snickers, Oreos, Cookie Dough, Deep Fried Chocolate Covered Bacon and this year Fried Sweet Corn. Yeah, it’s awesome. $2 Tuesday is coming and I’m going back with $$ in hand in indulge my inner glutton

      • I also take the numerical values and make graphs in Excel which show patterns, dips and times that they happen. It has been really helpful for my therapist. I just gave her one starting July 7 and going through to last Wednesday. We talked about it for several minutes discussing the depressive incidents. For me, the danger is depression. 85% of my symptoms are related to it and the onset of the symptoms are rapid and dangerous. My declines go straight to the place of deepest evil, and I am cast into the void. I have attempted suicide twice, and was hospitalized before a third attempt became reality.

        I do believe I heard about deep fried mayonnaise balls on a DTOC at a county fair somewhere in the south. It was at that time that I stopped caring about the obesity crisis down there. Self inflicted.

      • That’s great you are doing that-being very proactive. Oh wow, I never knew they could onset that quickly. I’ve only been in the void 1 where I almost attempted-last April when my life went to shit. I have thought about it, but I know when I get to that point I avoid driving. Mostly I just sit on the edge of the chasm chucking rocks into it and swinging my feet back and forth. The mania is my worst enemy and it’s such a slowly creeping creature I don’t know it’s there until I’m in it’s tightest grasp. This past summer was the worst as far as close to psychosis I’ve ever been, and it was scary as fuck. At least I wasn’t that far gone to not get help.
        Deep fried mayo wouldn’t surprise me. I usually don’t go for the food, I go to look at all the animals. Sometimes you can watch baby animals being born and even feed them in the Fair nursery. I’m a sucker for a piglet or cow. Sadly, my state is obese as well, but we have some of the most desired places to live. You won’t catch me living in Carmel or Fishers. I got enough bullshit to deal with in my head, let alone wade through it where I live. Snobs. Ick. I’d rather roll in dog poo that deal with THAT!

      • Wow! Slow creeping mania? That’s some wacky shit right there. Yeah my depression is devastating, and very fast. That’s why I do the score, because if the score is between -3 and -10 for 3 or more days, I go straight to the hospital no questions asked. Suicide is a possible outcome of neglect in that situation. I’ve had auditory and visual hallucinations triggered by depression and anxiety combined, and had some truly insane things happen as a result of those violent down-swings. It’s something I take deadly serious at this point.

        Haha, I had no idea I would spin you off into the show animals section! At least we can both appreciate this part of the county fair. The one here in San Diego is fucking awesome. I try to go every year. My personal favorites are the rock and minerals exhibit, the art and the flowers. All stunning, perfect samples. Animals are great too, mind you… but it’s not like there’s a gazelle and an armadillo there. I know what a goat looks like. Surprise me, bitches! Give me a show-tarantula and I will be captivated.

        Well, we’re off to bed in or pitifully air-conditioned back room which has been attempting to cool down for the last hour. I doubt we have made much progress considering how stifling it is up here still. Goodnight!

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