What is the point if all this writing I do here? Is it to garner unprecedented fame and fortune? Is it to spread the gospel of my worldview to others? I feel preposterously humble in recognizing my true motivations. You see, I believe that thoughts that go from being trapped in my head to existing on the “page” actually get processed better than leaving them in my brain. I started this blog many years ago (as early as 2010, but I got suicidal and when I came out of my second hospitalization I deleted it. Then in October 2012 I bought the domain again, and reinstated it as a coping mechanism, as a vessel to trap expressed thoughts, and a sanctuary from all the noise if the world. I made a commitment to myself to try and be as real and grounded as possible, because I was going to get nowhere in the healing/coping with my mental illness if I couldn’t do AT LEAST that much. So Neurochemically Challenged was only ever intended to be a place of logical understanding, but it has become much more than that now.
A lot of people have come by here to say “hi” and offer little bits of wisdom, or comment on some ridiculous thing I said. This part of the blog was unexpected, because I never saw my introspective processes as interesting. I think there’s attraction is that I don’t come out here to tell you all how I want it to be. I just tell you how it actually is. The world is unforgiving, random, severe, stern and sometimes joyous. I am in a constant struggle trying to stay afloat amidst the chaos. My turmoil is real. My tribulations and failures are a part of this adventure. I’ve learned that my mistakes don’t hold me back, but instead, direct the course of my ever-changing future. I am truly a “fool” if I cannot garner something of worth from the deepest of devistations and move on. To be mired in the past is a place I have been in before, but do not want to be in again.
Don’t we all have to face our demons eventually? What better a way to expose the darkness to the light than by making a public spectacle out of coping? I think that this is why this blog has been such a personal success for me. I have learned so much here, and gone through such unimaginable pain. It’s all here, the last post I wrote before I attempted suicide and the first one I wrote when I got out of the hospital. The journey is agonizing, but it is truly mine and it has helped shape me into the drive and ambitious person I am today. I can thank honesty, and logic, for helping me process and understand all the crazy shit that happens to the severely mentally ill.
Readers: you have been the most special part of this journey, all 650+ of you through the years. From the bottom of my cold, shriveled-rasin heart, I thank you. It has been an honor to have your attention, and to have gained such insights and hope from your words. I have met some amazing people through this blog; I even married one of my followers (though, that didn’t turn out so good). Seriously though, I am grateful.
This place will continue to be the front-lines of my open cognitive process. I try to come here, every day, and share a little of what goes on in my head and in my reality. I am glad you are here too. Peace be with you.
I never thought of my blog in the same way you have written about yours but you are right, I have used it many times to empty the trash bin of dark emotions building up inside me. Most of those that have followed me probably never realized the occasional personal tirade about life sucking but that’s OK because like yourself I got it out of my system. Thanks for a great post.
Thanks for the comment Pete. I just had to approve it. Hehe. I’m glad you see a parallel in your own coping mechanisms. That’s learning, and I’m all about that. Have a great night.
When I started my blog, I needed a place to dump all my shit since I couldn’t see Jane. Not expecting to gain followers I just needed to get so much out of my chaotic mind. Now, I have a WONDERFUL group of friends I can lean on when I’m hurting or angry about something stupid. I am soooooo not a logical person-my decisions have been ruled by my emotions, and will probably continue to be. That’s ok. I’ve learned more about myself in 16 months than I had in 30 years-the first 5 don’t count because I don’t remember them :p My view-we all heal and deal in our own ways, allowing us to either grow or continue to wallow and wither. You can either be an active participant in your journey to heal and understand or you won’t. I chose the former as have you. I am so glad I found your blog and I love the insightful conversations we have-it’s so refreshing to talk to someone that challenges my Swiss cheese brain :) I wouldn’t say your heart is shriveled like a raisin, more like a prune ;)
Haha, I’m glad you found me too Sass. Talking with you has been enlightening and rewarding. I think that the more we discuss our distinct journeys the better we become at coping with them. If I can help you make sense of reality, I will do my best to try. Keep those awesome comments coming. :)
I agree. It’s so interesting to talk to others and how they all cope through the good and the bad. Nah, I think I’ll stick to my Pegacorns and Sporks of Fortitude that reality. LOL Just kidding :p Oh, so glad to hear you were able to connect physically with Amanda the other night. It’s amazing what that can do for the mind. Loved the pic of you and Tristan (sp) he’s adorable!
We all handle things our own way, and I’m open minded enough to take tips and tricks from others and integrate them into my own methodology.
Haha, your reality sounds amazing! I well need to bring my spellbook and wand if I’m ever going to venture into your kingdom.
Yes, it was wonderful. The intent was just to give her an orgasm, but after that, she wanted to have sex. I was not expecting it, but I’m glad it happened. It’s important to connect with each other physically to keep the bond healthy. That pic was of us playing a video game on his mom’s computer. We have fun doing that together.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and story that us going through the same issues know we are not alone in our struggle. I find your posts very interesting and has helped me cope in my own fight.
Very glad to hear that Ally! I’m always around for a chat if you are struggling. We all have good days and bad ones too. But we are in this together
Thank you! :)