What is the point if all this writing I do here? Is it to garner unprecedented fame and fortune? Is it to spread the gospel of my worldview to others? I feel preposterously humble in recognizing my true motivations. You see, I believe that thoughts that go from being trapped in my head to existing on the “page” actually get processed better than leaving them in my brain. I started this blog many years ago (as early as 2010, but I got suicidal and when I came out of my second hospitalization I deleted it. Then in October 2012 I bought the domain again, and reinstated it as a coping mechanism, as a vessel to trap expressed thoughts, and a sanctuary from all the noise if the world. I made a commitment to myself to try and be as real and grounded as possible, because I was going to get nowhere in the healing/coping with my mental illness if I couldn’t do AT LEAST that much. So Neurochemically Challenged was only ever intended to be a place of logical understanding, but it has become much more than that now.
A lot of people have come by here to say “hi” and offer little bits of wisdom, or comment on some ridiculous thing I said. This part of the blog was unexpected, because I never saw my introspective processes as interesting. I think there’s attraction is that I don’t come out here to tell you all how I want it to be. I just tell you how it actually is. The world is unforgiving, random, severe, stern and sometimes joyous. I am in a constant struggle trying to stay afloat amidst the chaos. My turmoil is real. My tribulations and failures are a part of this adventure. I’ve learned that my mistakes don’t hold me back, but instead, direct the course of my ever-changing future. I am truly a “fool” if I cannot garner something of worth from the deepest of devistations and move on. To be mired in the past is a place I have been in before, but do not want to be in again.
Don’t we all have to face our demons eventually? What better a way to expose the darkness to the light than by making a public spectacle out of coping? I think that this is why this blog has been such a personal success for me. I have learned so much here, and gone through such unimaginable pain. It’s all here, the last post I wrote before I attempted suicide and the first one I wrote when I got out of the hospital. The journey is agonizing, but it is truly mine and it has helped shape me into the drive and ambitious person I am today. I can thank honesty, and logic, for helping me process and understand all the crazy shit that happens to the severely mentally ill.
Readers: you have been the most special part of this journey, all 650+ of you through the years. From the bottom of my cold, shriveled-rasin heart, I thank you. It has been an honor to have your attention, and to have gained such insights and hope from your words. I have met some amazing people through this blog; I even married one of my followers (though, that didn’t turn out so good). Seriously though, I am grateful.
This place will continue to be the front-lines of my open cognitive process. I try to come here, every day, and share a little of what goes on in my head and in my reality. I am glad you are here too. Peace be with you.