Strung

Score: +3.5

I have been, and will continue to be, honest about my scores on these daily posts. What do I gain by misleading myself or others? I’ve had a very stable week, with every day but Monday  (a 4) registering a 3.5. But what does it mean? Well, the score could swing between +10 (mania) or -10 (suicidal depression) and I have cone to consider scores in the +2 to +4 range to be healthy. Zero is the middle, but that score implies balance but not energy. I like to be charismatic and enthusiastic, and s zero is not that. So my scores should have a normal range above zero but no higher than 4. Above 4 and there is a potentially dangerous amount of energy being burned. I have had some days down at -3, and a few at +4.5… but outliers do not represent a pattern. As soon as a pattern forms, action must be taken. I hope that helps you understand why I do this every day, and for the last 193 consecutive. It helps me make sense of my illness.

Today my doctor raised my Buspar to 20 mg daily, which I think is great. The medication has already done some good in helping me suppress anxiety symptoms, but there was definite room for improvement. Things should be looking even more stable than they have been.

It’s nearing the end of a long week. I feel pretty tired. I’m a little short on words tonight.

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8 thoughts on “Strung

  1. I really like the rating scale you use-keeps you accountable to an extent and allows you to watch your moods. Impressive.
    I really like the Buspar. I’ve noticed a huge difference in my ability to be calmer once it was added in, and the ability to relax-by %150, which is amazing for me. I’m still on 15 2x a day and it’s working. I do 1 in the am, a klonopin in the late morning early afternoon, and depending on my jaw clenching I’ll take another at bed with my other Buspar. It’s wonderful to be able to relax in life and not be so damn high strung about stupid shit. I’m able to focus on tackling regular every day tasks-laundry, dishes, sweeping and vacuuming-and not tearing the house apart for reorganization when I can find the right pot too cook in. My Bipolar 1 brain is a chaotic but very interesting environment to observe and live in for sure.

    • I agree. Buspar has helped both Amanda and I. I am still cycling up to my new dose, and should see more symptom relief soon. But my anxiety is not severe… not like most people. I suffer, but not everyday. Amanda has noticed a huge change, and she has almost completed the Abilify step-down. She really wants to lose the weight she gained while on it.

      • My anxiety manifests into the jaw clenching, curling into myself, sensitivity to noise. I noticed a huge improvement very quickly when the Buspar was added. That’s great it’s helped you both, and that she had noticed a huge change :) I hope she is able to lose the weight she gained. Mine came off pretty quickly-but I also ended up having surgery and was in so much pain I couldn’t eat from the nausea. I still can’t believe Drs think a 20+ pound weight gain is acceptable for us. Assfuckery

      • Yeah her doctor had no interest in taking her off the Abilify even though she was adamant about how the added weight was affecting her health. I think he is interested only in her mental stability and not her physical self. But she is officially off it today. I haven’t noticed any abnormal behavior. She’s very tired, but considering what she is doing, I expect that to be the case. Going from zero to 100 is brutal.

      • I hate doctors that are all fucking ignore the patients concerns and shove pills down their throats. UGH! Hopefully she will lose the weight that has hindered her physical self. Yes, I’m sure going full throttle from zero is exhausting. Hope she can rest a bit this weekend.

      • Agreed. Her doctor is occasionally cool, but mostly he’s a dick. She and I agree on this. But he’s all we’ve got for now. :(

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