Chemically Down

by in Mental Illness, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , ,

Score: -1

I almost didn’t even try to go in, but I forced myself to at least drag myself to the office. From there, I spiraled down. My mood is terrible. I feel acutely depressed and I’m stuck in a very negative space. I can’t seem to get my thoughts to procure a happy feeling; everything I feel is either twinged with anxiety, or just low. But what am I depressed about? Who knows. I’m not able to listen to music, bad memories flood into my brain and overwhelm me. I feel like I could cry at any moment, the tears just want to come pouring out of me. I feel crushed under the weight of sadness, it is unrelenting and unforgiving.

Some days this happens to me. Fortunately my work is not totally dependent on my being there, so missing a few hours is not going to cause devastation or have any consequences. I even had the suck time to use, so I did. This counts as being ill in my book. Unfortunately, I am also subsequently unable to distract myself adequately. I have tried gaming, but I feel bad to the point of not being able to immerse myself in it. I came out here to write, because I feel like that is probably the best way to express what I’m going through right now. I have no one to turn to but myself for a while.

Eventually, I’m sure I will feel better. But these chemical imbalances take time to correct themselves.

4 thoughts on “Chemically Down”

  1. Very accurate and honest explanation of how depression grabs on and refuses to let to. I, like you, force myself to participate, as appealing as sitting in front of the tv or lying in bed all day are, sometimes we have to force ourself to live outside the realms of mental illness in order to better. ok, so the theory has some glitches, but its worth shot, I mean, what is the alternative? Good luck friend.

    • Thanks for the comment. I’m having a difficult time here on the apartment by myself today. I agree with the principle of your viewpoint, but it is also important to remember not to push yourself to the limit of what you can do. Today I was in the verge of tears because of the music that was playing overhead. So I knew my limit: if I am too unstable to be a part of real life, then I need to do what’s best (and safe) for me, given the circumstances. I appreciate your support.

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