Coperehension 

I’m doing the best I can to cope with how I feel and writing things out is helping. The symptoms that I feel are acute anxiety and deep depression. I do not have suicidal thoughts, but I feel hopeless, deadpan and lost. My thoughts are scattered like dandilion seeds in the wind. They zip by and are lost from sight a moment later. I feel a heaviness in my heart, a pressure on my chest, and a general feeling of isolation. So that’s what my situation is like. 

I have attempted to sleep, but how do you silence the noise of being anxious? There are endless thoughts invading my mind, tearing through it too fast to be observed but leaving damage in their wake. To rest, I need to be able to clear my head and relax. 

I have, for a short time, managed to distract myself from the symptoms with reading, blogging, watching TV and playing video games. All but my desire to describe my state have perished to failure. So, I have resolved to cope by comprehending my situation through my language. It is the only bastion in have left. 

I imagine that Sassafrass is correct, and that when Amanda’s son is here, my brain will go into a mode that it will be forced into by circumstance. It will adapt to answering questions and emitting a healthy demeanor, instead of being mired in suffering. His energy will likely be contagious, and having him here will make me feel better. That, and our plans to have a tasty and non-nutritional dinner. Sometimes you have to do something to lift yourself out of a rut by whatever means necessary. 

I don’t know how to understand why this happens. I only know that it does, and on the order of once a month or so. I am well aware that my brain is not able to function like a normal brain. It does the best it can, given the neurochemical deficiencies present. I’m not down on myself for feeling this way; being depressed is only made worse by being upset that it is happening. Attitude affects perception. 

I may need to post again, but probably not. Soon the pieces will arrange themselves in a new pattern. Change is coming, and with it, relief. 

**UPDATE**

I’m headed to bed early. I’m pretty tired of feeling this way. I know that I will get a chance to try again tomorrow, and have a better go of it. Goodnight. 

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18 thoughts on “Coperehension 

  1. I woke at 130 from yet another fucked up dream-even with the added klonopin at bedtime. Joy.
    Hope you all enjoyed you non-nutritional dinner, and that the boy was able to lift you out of the hole a little bit. Thanks for the mention. Getting ready to post

    • I’m sorry to hear that you had a rough night. I got back on track today and I’m going to be ok. Energy level way better. Tristan did help, but he was VERY tired from running around being a crazy boy all day, so he really didn’t do or say much. Amanda and I both felt better by bedtime.

      • That sounds miserable. I can’t function with a headache, but I guess it’s worse because I stare at a screen all day. My morning energy has run out and now I’m barely hanging on. I’m feeling depressed. But I’m resolved to stay and fight through it.

      • It’s more annoying than anything. I’d rather have a headache than shitting my brains out like I did on the Zoloft (probably TMI, but oh well) I had no energy this morning, but forced myself to take a walk and I feel much better. I keep trying to send you some energy through Wifi, but apparently it only wants bitcoins. Fucker. You can make it-maybe you need some more coffee :)

      • Haha, bitcoins. You might be right about the coffee. I have a little 4 cup brewer at my desk and have already done two of them. But the coffee boost only really managed to clear the cobwebs out of my brain earlier. I will try with hopes of doing something good and tasty.

        I will not be texting from the bathroom anymore. My new phone doesn’t get signal in there. So replies every 2 hours or so. Be well.

      • Yes. Gloat all you want. I’m quite pleased with it, despite not being able to look on it in the belly of a massive concrete building. Such issues do not constitute a relevant issue. Glad to hear you are doing better.

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