I’m doing the best I can to cope with how I feel and writing things out is helping. The symptoms that I feel are acute anxiety and deep depression. I do not have suicidal thoughts, but I feel hopeless, deadpan and lost. My thoughts are scattered like dandilion seeds in the wind. They zip by and are lost from sight a moment later. I feel a heaviness in my heart, a pressure on my chest, and a general feeling of isolation. So that’s what my situation is like.
I have attempted to sleep, but how do you silence the noise of being anxious? There are endless thoughts invading my mind, tearing through it too fast to be observed but leaving damage in their wake. To rest, I need to be able to clear my head and relax.
I have, for a short time, managed to distract myself from the symptoms with reading, blogging, watching TV and playing video games. All but my desire to describe my state have perished to failure. So, I have resolved to cope by comprehending my situation through my language. It is the only bastion in have left.
I imagine that Sassafrass is correct, and that when Amanda’s son is here, my brain will go into a mode that it will be forced into by circumstance. It will adapt to answering questions and emitting a healthy demeanor, instead of being mired in suffering. His energy will likely be contagious, and having him here will make me feel better. That, and our plans to have a tasty and non-nutritional dinner. Sometimes you have to do something to lift yourself out of a rut by whatever means necessary.
I don’t know how to understand why this happens. I only know that it does, and on the order of once a month or so. I am well aware that my brain is not able to function like a normal brain. It does the best it can, given the neurochemical deficiencies present. I’m not down on myself for feeling this way; being depressed is only made worse by being upset that it is happening. Attitude affects perception.
I may need to post again, but probably not. Soon the pieces will arrange themselves in a new pattern. Change is coming, and with it, relief.
I’m headed to bed early. I’m pretty tired of feeling this way. I know that I will get a chance to try again tomorrow, and have a better go of it. Goodnight.