Right

by in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , ,

Score: +3.5

It seemed like things were back to normal today. I completed my shift and kept up a high level of energy while I did so. For once, someone was nice to me today… which was totally unexpected. So things were good overall. 

I keep checking in on Jax’s blog, and lately it has been pretty ridiculous. She’s quite pissed off at me still, which seems like a big waste of time. She got all butt-hurt that I reached out to her in sympathy and forgiveness, calling me a “dick,” and my life a “fucked up mess.” I guess I find it pitiful, because I’ve moved so far beyond those crazy emotions I had right after we broke up. I still feel things, don’t get me wrong… but am I angry at her? No. Do I hold on to any resentment towards her? No. What’s the point? 

I guess I have let her go, which really means I just expect us to live our separate lives without needing to revisit old wounds all the time. I must admit to being curious about how she is faring on her own, which is why I find myself reading her posts. It was definitely a mistake to try and be remorseful with her, she seemed to take that as an attack. We were never particularly good at communicating with each other anyway. But her world, as she describes it, seems very turbulent. Certainly not demonstrative of good mental stability. She is jumping from one traumatic event to the next, and this is entirely her own doing. No lessons have been learned since we divorced; she got right back into a (from my initial perspective) doomed relationship and when that fell apart, she got right back into another without hesitation. I really just hope, at some point, she tries to be an individual for a while… it’s tough just being with yourself. She seems to be avoiding it desperately, even to the point of subjecting herself to breakups and fights then to be alone. 

I have one more day of work tomorrow. My shift starts at 6:00 am PST. so I get to sleep in for an astonishing 30 minutes. Boom. I then have to cram in my chores Sunday to make sure I am caught up for the coming week. I’m meeting Angi again before she goes back to Italy. Her life is on shaky ground as well, and I’m just trying to be there for her. 

13 thoughts on “Right”

  1. It sounds like checking in with her isn’t doing you any good. I know how frustrating and difficult it can be to walk away from someone who was such a big part of your life. Divorce is crazy like that. I still wish I could check in on my ex-husband, see how he was doing, but I know better. Besides, for me that might be too much of a risk. Still I’d like nothing more than to know he’s taken the time he needs to heal and become whole again.

  2. Yes you should stop reading her blog. It’s not healthy for you and allows negativity to creep into your relationship with Amanda. As you said, you let her/it go, she hasn’t and probably will never learn, and it’s no longer your concern. But it in a box and shove it in the dark part of the closet.
    Glad you are feeling better. I took my Celexa last night at bad time and I was awoken at 400, 630, 830 and 10 with my legs moving so much youda thought I was running a marathon. I totally spaced my regular time as I was spiraling down. Dammit.
    It’s nice when someone is nice to you isn’t it, even if unexpected :) Have a good day at work and I hope Angi has a good trip back to Italy. Do you think she can smuggle me in her checked bag?

    • Amanda was the one who told me to reach out to Jax in the first place. In retrospect, that was not a great idea. I’m closing the book on Jax for the future. My life is headed in a different direction, and there’s no looking back.

      Sorry to hear about your meds. Sounds like you need to reevaluate with your doctor, because that’s not functional.

      Yes the niceness was unexpected and good, but I’m not putting much stock in it. I’m still going to mind my own business for the most part.

      • I’m sure it was from a good place when Amanda recommended it. She is supportive and that’s a wonderful thing to have.
        As for the meds it was my fault. I was outside pulling baby hibiscus plants to keep from curling into a ball and sobbing. Yesterday was not a good day emotionally.
        Just keep keeping your head busy in the game at work-by not interacting with assfucks-sounds like a good and consistent plan :)

      • Yeah she was just hoping I could get some closure, something she is looking for in her divorce as well and not getting.

        Sounds to me like you are in a very down place. I’m sorry to hear that. I wish you luck in finding stability amidst this turbulent point in your life. You are strong; you can fight this.

      • Thanks. Just riding the waves-yesterday was a HUGE gnarly one. I’m gonna get back outside and enjoy the weather. It helps a bit. And sometimes as much as we want and wish for closure in a past relationship, we never get it no matter how hard we try.

      • Yep. I sympathize with your struggle. I really hope for stability for you. I just have to close the book on Jax and fully detach from her. She’s lost, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. I pity her, and I wish her luck.

      • I have the mental stability that’s eluded me forever, now if I could please get the emotional stability that’d be great. Kthnx. It’s like trying to order a simple dish at an upscale restaurant where they have all this crap I don’t like or want. ACK!
        Yes, Jax is lost, you tried and it’s nothing you did. She has her own fuckedup issues that have nothing to do with you in any way. She is lashing out (Cheesus she sounds like the female version of my husband!) and you can’t fix it. You have Amanda and Tristan to love and focus on. :)

      • Good analogy. Our mental health journeys are never done. There is a constant need to adjust and improve, fail and succeed.

        I agree. Our lives have gone in opposite directions, and I have a new path to walk.

      • Yes you do, and it’s a MUCH bette and supportive one with real love and communication and understanding. You have risen and grown like I have in the last few years. Enjoy that loving and positive path. You have earned and deserve it :)

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