It seemed like things were back to normal today. I completed my shift and kept up a high level of energy while I did so. For once, someone was nice to me today… which was totally unexpected. So things were good overall.
I keep checking in on Jax’s blog, and lately it has been pretty ridiculous. She’s quite pissed off at me still, which seems like a big waste of time. She got all butt-hurt that I reached out to her in sympathy and forgiveness, calling me a “dick,” and my life a “fucked up mess.” I guess I find it pitiful, because I’ve moved so far beyond those crazy emotions I had right after we broke up. I still feel things, don’t get me wrong… but am I angry at her? No. Do I hold on to any resentment towards her? No. What’s the point?
I guess I have let her go, which really means I just expect us to live our separate lives without needing to revisit old wounds all the time. I must admit to being curious about how she is faring on her own, which is why I find myself reading her posts. It was definitely a mistake to try and be remorseful with her, she seemed to take that as an attack. We were never particularly good at communicating with each other anyway. But her world, as she describes it, seems very turbulent. Certainly not demonstrative of good mental stability. She is jumping from one traumatic event to the next, and this is entirely her own doing. No lessons have been learned since we divorced; she got right back into a (from my initial perspective) doomed relationship and when that fell apart, she got right back into another without hesitation. I really just hope, at some point, she tries to be an individual for a while… it’s tough just being with yourself. She seems to be avoiding it desperately, even to the point of subjecting herself to breakups and fights then to be alone.
I have one more day of work tomorrow. My shift starts at 6:00 am PST. so I get to sleep in for an astonishing 30 minutes. Boom. I then have to cram in my chores Sunday to make sure I am caught up for the coming week. I’m meeting Angi again before she goes back to Italy. Her life is on shaky ground as well, and I’m just trying to be there for her.