Monthly Archives: September 2015

Less Than Maximum

by in Mental Illness, Rant, Sports Pontifications, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Score: +3

231 Day Average: +2.93

I haven’t really had the “umph” to write much lately. Things at work have been complex and energy-consuming, but I generally enjoy the work I do more than I did in the past. I just wish I was making what I’m worth.

I’ve had a bit of a break from stress lately. Things have been less crazy-intense. I’m finding I have a bit more energy after my shift is over, and I can muster the strength to do a few chores here and there. Amanda is back in a depressive cycle. She’s with her doctor right now trying to work with him on a solution. She missed work again today and things have been hard for her at work because of it. She’s struggling, and there’s nothing I can do about it but be there to comfort her.

My parents are coming back this week, and I think Amanda and I are going over to their mobile abode Friday after work. It’s been more then 4 months since I saw them. I’m looking forward to this week being over for more reasons than that. I feel like my energy reserves are draining slowly, and soon I will not have much left. I need better sleep, and I really wish I could wake up quickly and get going. Things have been a slog for me in the mornings. Maybe I’m getting depressed too?

Amanda bought me an e-cig for my birthday (which is coming up) and I really like it. I was about to go buy a pack of cigarettes because I had the craving SO BAD, but this seemed like a better solution. I got smoky flavors, and they are nice. i can’t imagine the sweet tasting ones… yorf. I much prefer vaping pot, or smoking musky cigarettes or cloves. It’s the bold smoke taste that gets me. I also like black coffee, see STRONG. Anyway, I brought it with me to work and it was cool having it on my 15 minute breaks. I’ve been following fantasy football through the week but not doing that second-guessing thing I had been doing. IO lost last week because I did that. So now, I’m just going to go with the initial gut-reaction and play it from there. Rethinking things only leads to disaster.

Have a good day blog, nice to see you.

One Day

by in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Score: +3

So I only get one day off this week; I’m back at my desk Sunday. Overall things have been good. Work has finally lightened up a bit, and tomorrow should be a pretty chill day. For a while there I was being crushed under the stress, and I was not sure how long I would be able to go on at that level. I also asked for a raise and was told the company has a salary freeze in place. So no raise anytime soon, regardless of all the extra work I’m doing. I’ve clearly gone above and beyond what they asked me to do when they hired me. I will not give up on my pay raise, but it will have to be a near future type thing. I also made it clear that I would keep working at a high level regardless. 

We went to the arcade today with Tristan. Amanda has been feeling depressed again lately, and her work weeks have been really hard on her. She’s enrolled in this super-rigorous diet program which will start early next month. She’s in pain because there is just too much extra weight on her body. I think it’s going to be hard, but positive. I like that when she identifies a problem she does something to fix it. 

It was pretty bad for a few weeks there. I gained some weight, I was stressed out every day. But that seems to be over. Even though I have to go in tomorrow, it’s not so bad. At least it’s not 12 in a row. Right?

It Should Ease?

by in Mental Illness, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Score: +3

I thought that things would slow down at work, but they really haven’t. I find I have less and less energy as the days of ceaseless labor go by. But I do work an unabashedly brutal schedule. Getting up that early every day seems to take a mental toll. Over time. 

I wish I had pep. I have no pep. Where can I did the pep?

Amanda and I are doing really good. We have been helping each other out with our home responsibilities and playing a lot of Minecraft. We have Tristan this week. 

I’m going to see Margaret on Thursday. 

I had this dream the other night that Amanda got crushed by a shelf and died, it was horrifying and sad. It felt so convincingly that I had lost her. I hate vivid dreams like that. I woke up and I thought I was going to cry. 

I need to demonstrate some consistency. I have missed time to illness and now I need to just go and pound out some hours in the office. It’s been hard for me to stay, but I am going to make a concerted effort. 

My parents are coming back in a week and a half. Things will be neat when they return. I haven’t seen them in months. I’ve let my hair go grow pretty much the whole time they’ve been gone. I lost a lot of weight, but I recently gained some of it back. Food is delicious. Enough said. 

Have a nice day. 

Living The “High Life”

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Score: +2.5

Commence with the summary! I notched a full day today after missing time due to illness this week. The release of knowing Friday evening has arrived was sweet and savory like so much pulled pork. I relished the drive home, even though it was just to my aunt’s house for computer work. I picked up sushi tonight for dinner, because what is a fun evening without a spider roll? A shit suck beanbag evening, that’s what. 

Today was monotonous, and tiring when you are battling fatigue. I hung in there despite my inclination to flee. I focused my attention on upcoming sojourn in happiness, which would surely be nice. And I was right. Amanda and I  even went out on a limb and drank a cup of coffee after 5:30 pm. Yes, that’s right… I shit you not. Now that’s living the fucking high life. We played Minecraft until our eyeballs exploded, but coffee doesn’t keep me awake anymore. I’m pooped the butt. Here I am in bed at less than 8:00 pm and I’ve all but surrendered my first few hours of freedom to sleepiness. There’s nothing to be done. I was up at 4:30 today and I used my yellow head sponge all day long. At some point, even pumping unleaded gasoline through the fucking thing won’t resuscitate it. If daisies could be pushed out of the top of my head, I’m sure they would have been. 

So I will keep this high-water-mark post of unfathomable glory short and sweet. Things are never better than they are in Friday night. It’s the crust of the cheesecake. 

Sickies

by in Mental Illness, PC Games & Theories, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , | 11 Comments

Score: +2.5

I was out all day yesterday and only worked a half day today. I was in a blurry tired place all day. My head has been pounding, my throat is scratchy and I’ve been sneezing/coughing constantly. I have now run out of sick leave. Sadly. 

But I think I really needed the break. My energy has been in the crapper. I slogged through four hours today and barely held it together. Amanda and I both are fighting something off. She stayed home today too. I intend on an early bedtime, with some much needed battery recharging. 

Other than the illness, things have been fine. Amanda and I are having fun on our mine craft server. Though recently I died and lost everything I had saved up: diamond tools, ender pearls, tons of food and arrows… all because a creeper got through the portal and detonated as soon as I came through, casting me into lava where I perished rapidly. It sucked. The nether is one horrible burning hell dimension with scores of bad things aiming to kill you. I went back shortly after losing all 37 of my levels and died right away to a horde of pig zombies on a futile mining mission. I have not been back there since. I have, instead, expanded my mineshaft to great lengths, so much so that a cart will almost certainly be needed to get in and out of it because the walking distance is insane. 

I’m tired. There’s a football game on tonight, but I probably won’t watch much of it. 

September Mood Album – The Grace Of Knowing

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This album is inspired by the changes in my life since I met Amanda, and is a bit of a narrative chronicling the emotional story of our relationship. It starts off with my coping with the divorce, and makes a statement about the new course my life has taken. It is not meant to literally speak any truths, but the tempo and mood of each song (and how it is related to others) make the album tell a tale through sound and feel. I encourage you to YouTube the tracks and make your own playlist to fully understand what I’m trying to say. 

  1. MFC – Pearl Jam
  2. Waves – Blondfire
  3. Move On – George Michael
  4. Simple Kind Of Life – No Doubt
  5. Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life) – Green Day
  6. Summer In The City – The Lovin’ Spoonful
  7. One Of These Nights – The Eagles
  8. Crazy On You – Heart
  9. Oh! Darling – The Beatles
  10. Take Me Home Tonight – Eddie Money
  11. Chains Of Love – Erasure
  12. Tonight, Tonight – Genesis
  13. Let’s Dance – David Bowie
  14. Lovesong – The Cure
  15. More Than Words – Extreme
  16. Lady – Little River Band
  17. Do You Believe In Love – Huey Lewis And The News
  18. Wrapped Around Your Finger – The Police
  19. Carpet Of The Sun – Renaissance

Busy

by in Mental Illness, PC Games & Theories, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , ,

Score: +3

I am striding forward this week, and today was largely positive. It was crazy busy again, and I had a period of about 10 minutes where I was caught up on tickets. I took 3 incoming phone calls in my “down-time” and then my queue was full again. It was busy. Time really did zoom by though. 

It rained today and was about 85 degrees, making it a monsoonal type event. Yuck. But my truck got all the dirt knocked off it. 

Amanda and I are really enjoying this week so far. We just sat down and had a productive session in our Minecraft server. We built a portal to the Nether, but I’m afraid to go through it. Last time I went to the nether a Ghast set me on fire and I died. I have 37 levels and it would be sad to lose most of them in the domain of chaos. We also built a powered rail for our mine cart so it can haul things up to the house rapidly. We are having fun building our little empire. 

Things are stable again. I’m doing really well. I can’t complain. 

#1001

by in Mental Illness, Sports Pontifications, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Score: +3

I’d say that’s a good score for a busy Monday. I handled my work today, dealing with some big issues that floated my way. This has become a big part of what I do now, I talk with my manager and resolve upper-level requests. I think my coworkers just assume I do nothing all day, because I don’t take many incoming calls when the tickets flood in. Then again, I don’t give two cooked shits what they think. 

The boy was out of control this weekend. He was grumpy that we had to leave the Reuben H. Fleet Science Center once we had done every activity on both floors. He pouted that he didn’t get a toy, which we was denied because he refused to take direction on multiple occasions. Amanda and I gave up on walking with him because all he could do was brood and stomp. We put him in the stroller and went over to the San Diego gem and mineral society. They had some outstanding samples there, including a huge blue Topaz. 

The boy went to his dad’s today, and we have heard that he got in trouble at school for talking during class. His dad is very machismo, which is funny considering he’s a pasty emotionless goth. But his dad spanks him, and doesn’t positively reinforce good behavior, just administers punishment. I think that will build resentment over time. 

Today marked the conclusion of week one in the National Football League. Both my fantasy teams won, which is a treat considering week one is quite possibly the hardest of the 17. Why? No trends, no data, just guessing. I guessed good. 

Time is zooming by. Tomorrow marks the 9th month of being in a relationship with Amanda. Has it really been 9 months? Things still feel very new. Maybe because we are still learning about each other. This relationship is a promising partnership. We have been growing together, and enjoying some fantastic memories. I feel like there are many more things we have yet to do with each other. 

Overall, this was a good Monday. It could have been much worse. 

Big Slouchatude

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Score: +3

We had plans, I swear… but it seemed like we all just needed a day of rest (for the most part). Amanda just never really woke up, which would have made it hard to get out and do much of anything given that she couldn’t keep her eyes open. We did go down to the pool, but these angry weirdos showed up and they were all whispering to themselves and it got awkward, so we aborted. The boy has been snotty today, whining and complaining about everything. I can tell Amanda has reached a breaking point. She went to bed early in an effort to draw the curtains down on a day lost to lethargy. 

I have accomplished my weekend chores to ready myself for the week ahead: I did two loads of laundry, cleaned the cat boxes, took out the trash and did the dishes (though there are still some that need to be done tomorrow). I could tell today that Amanda needed me to help out, as she had zero energy to spare. It was a tough day for her. 

We have been playing Minecraft a bit today. My latest project has been to dig a massive tunnel down to bedrock, then open up an expansive chamber growing outward in three different directions. I have placed dozens of torches on the floor to keep the place lit as I push the walls out. It’s pretty cool. I’ve only found a few pockets of diamond, but lots of lapis lazuli and redstone. The lapis I’m surprised about, because on the other server I rarely found it at all. We have two houses that Amanda has constructed and the one that I use most often has about 30 chickens trapped in it. Reasoning? They are food and feathers for arrows, and since they drop dozens of eggs, the chicken population stays pretty constant. I’m not going to eat them all before I hatch enough of them to keep the colony thriving. We have made good progress in establishing our settlement. It’s looking promising. 

Tomorrow is NFL Sunday, but I am probably not going to see much of it because we will try to go to the Reuben H. Fleet Science Center and IMAX theater tomorrow. Charger game comes on at one, so I will likely miss it because the IMAX movie we want to see comes on at that time. We have to compromise sometimes, and this football interest is not one that Amanda and I share. Therefore, it will not be something we debate over, or cancel events for, because it is not a priority when compared to taking the boy out for a day of fun and learning. I’m not that guy who would let Amanda take Tristan to the science center by herself so I could watch the game. It’s not that important to me anymore. Not so much that I would let it get in the way of a chance to bond with Tristan. 

Goodnight, and may your Sunday be fuzzy. 

Flaming Death March

by in Mental Illness, PC Games & Theories, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 11 Comments

Score: +2

Today capped what has been a very difficult week. I did not bring much energy to it and I suffered almost every agonizing minute like it was a minor eternity. Today was the hardest day of the four, as I spent the first full 4 hours of my  shift in a dream-like haze. I drank my coffee, and then another… no measurable change. I pondered escaping yet again but decided that I would push myself through regardless. I was in turmoil, grinding away my energy and polluting the mind with depressed thoughts. Music was impacting be in a largely negative way, which is a sign that I am symptomatic. So today was hard. 

I entertained myself with thoughts of going home, and being with Amanda. I wanted to sit with her and just relax. We got on to our dedicated Minecraft server and traveled two continents over and left the snowy land far behind. We traveled the ocean and found some desert islands but found no food there, so we continued to sail west. We crossed an even larger ocean expanse and found a forested continent with an abundance of food. It was home. This is what I enjoy about Minecraft: the map is never-ending. As limitless as the imagination. Albeit, there are only so many terrain variations and textures…

I’m thinking my mental health has deteriorated over this week. Not sure what the culprit is, but I certainly know it’s happening. I need to hunker-down this next week and get back into a healthy pattern, I’ve been over-eating lately. Part of that is that I’ve been too tired to cook much, and it’s been so hot that turning the oven I was an ill-advised maneuver. But I can do better. I’ve lost so much weight that I’d like to be able to have it stay lost. 

Things could be better in my brain. But this weekend is just what I need. I will sleep in tomorrow and have a relaxing day, aside from taking care of my responsibilities. Sunday is the first full slate of NFL games, which I have been looking forward to immensely. It’s going to be a lot of fun this year. And I mean to have fun, not necessarily for any outcome. Whatever happens, happens. I’m not raising my expectations like I did last year. 

Goodnight blog. 

Disenchanted 

by in Mental Illness, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

Score: +2.5

It’s been a tough couple of days. With the heat being as unrelenting as it has been, I’ve not been getting good rest and feeling generally irritable. I had a bad nightmare two nights ago, and that can make my neurochemistry imbalanced the following day. Yesterday I only worked a half day. I just reached a breaking point and just lost all energy and focus. Today it was much the same, but I got 3/4 of the way and bailed out. I have been having a very hard time focusing on my job. My mind wanders and I can’t concentrate on what I’m doing. I often find myself typing things out that I’m thinking rather than what I should be doing. This has been getting worse lately, peaking today, where nearly everything was off. I was double checking, which made the already tedious process even slower. I’m not sure what my problem is. 

I know I deal with ADD symptoms, but I’ve always been able to push through it. This week though… I’m hopeful that tomorrow will be better. 

I’m also feeling increasingly depressed. I don’t know what trigger is. This heat is like poison to me. Maybe that long weekend just contrasted so harshly with the brutality of the work week in a very stark way. I wish I was still having fun like I did, but that’s not realistic. Life is mostly work, occasionally enjoyable. There are people out there who genuinely love their jobs, but I do not. My job is hard, and as ceaseless as the mail. I never truly enjoyed it, even when I first started. I’m good at it, and I understand it well enough, but I don’t take much pleasure from it. This will be my lot, because I don’t get to just choose whatever I want to do. I dropped out of college, and I have no skill that is something that I would like to do professionally. I could see myself as a PC game designer, or managing a computer repair shop… maybe. But these are dreams, and just as unattainable as my other incorporeal fancies. I don’t spend much time on things that will never “be.”

I’m sure this will pass. I just need to hunker down and get through this rough spot. It’s not as hot today as it was yesterday. Maybe I’ll feel better tomorrow.  

Welcome Back, Slappy

by in PC Games & Theories, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , ,

Score: +2.5

Some kinda day I had. All the turmoil seemed to have accumulated over the long weekend, making today an arduous nightmare. There was a crisis at work, which was not of my doing, but involved me on multiple levels of scrutiny and with much questioning from my superiors. It was acutely stressful, to the point of inflicting me with a severe headache by the end of the day. I pushed through the obstacles as they became apparent, but the work I had to do today was impossible to resolve by myself. I got no help from my colleagues, and never got caught up. I must have done 20 or more tickets, and there were 20 more left to do. Sigh. I don’t like having lots of loose ends.

So stressful… yes. But now I’m home and relaxing. We have the boy, and he’s been getting into trouble lately. His dad wants to discipline him with spanking, but we don’t do that when we have him. I don’t think violence teaches anything but fear. His dad insists on coming over to spank him if we won’t do it. I think that’s weird. But it’s his kid, and if he wants to lay the groundwork for resentment that’s up to him. 

Mentally I’m doing ok. I had my opportunity to relax over the weekend. I feel recharged, even if today was just crazy. I survived, and I feel like I was able to let go of my stress. I didn’t bring anything home with me. 

It’s going to get hot again here in the desert southwest this week. It’s 94 in the apartment at 7:00 pm. Bummer. 

In other news, Amanda and I are continuing to play Minecraft, and I am having fun with it. The current objective is to find pockets of rare ore for the building of advanced objects. I have a mine that goes all the way down to bedrock, and I’m sniffing around down there for Redstone, Gold and Diamond. I have found a ton of Redstone but very little of the other two. I have also collected some Obsidian, which I made by dumping a bucket of water onto some lava. It can be mined without incident as long as there is fresh water flowing over it. However, I learned this the hard way by falling into said lava for my first death on our server. I had lots of good shit in my inventory, and it all burned up. 23 levels, gone. But it’s to be expected. 

Tristan us curious about what we are doing, because he plays in “creative” mode, which disables monsters, day/night, health and gives you everything you could want in the game right from the start. He gets frustrated in “survival” mode because he’s used to being invincible and not having to deal with mobs. He was watching us wanting to play on our server, until we told him that he would be mortal. 

I’m attempting to relax here in bed while the temperature is peaking. It’s going to be beat 100 tomorrow. 

Goodnight. I feel quite tranquil, and ready for another day tomorrow. 

Escape From Certain Doom

by in PC Games & Theories, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , ,

Scire: +3.5

The final chapter of our glorious three day respite was one to be remembered. We had to go get food and household essentials at some point, but morning was difficult to escape from. I got the Geodon drowsies after I ate some eggs 1.5 hours after taking my meds, and Amanda said she wasn’t ready to get up after she emerged from sleep. So we were both up for a bit, but then right back to bed. Just to give you an idea, I got a large black coffee with THREE shots of espresso in it, and when the med-induced fog hit me, I went straight to sleep no more than an hour after my last sip. No caffeine buzz can defeat this enemy. The only thing I have seen that works is marijuana, but morning is not a good time to do that (unless you have your mind set on doing nothing all day and going to bed early). 

So we accomplished our all important shopping trip by 11 or so and had the rest of the day to have fun. Amanda has recently exposed me to a new game (to me) called Minecraft. In it, you are able to build or destroy any part of the world, which is infinite in all directions. You can build a castle, and plunder the secrets of the earth underfoot at one’s discretion. Amanda is more a builder, where I am a digger. I launched a private server and we got to work, from scratch, building a house and exploring the deeps. As good fortune would have it, there was already an extensive network of caves under the place we chose to build a house. In it, we found riches beyond reckoning. However, we delved deeper and deeper, and eventually we were trapped in the darkest of caverns attempting to follow our torches back to safety (which was the fail safe plan). But there was no road that led out. Everywhere was a dead-end. I couldn’t figure out how we got down there with no way out… I was baffled. And a sense of urgency began to set in, as in Minecraft your avatar will starve to death if you don’t eat food regularly. And I was reaching that point. Why is this bad? Because all the great shit I had found down in the cave would be trapped right where I died, never to be seen again. In death, all possessions and experience are lost. It’s like starting over. I could not let that be our fate. So we dug up, and up, and eventually came back out of the cave into a field. I wandered up to a high point and scoured the horizon for our house. Just as I was sure we were too far from it to get back in time, I saw it. Our precious safety structure guiding us back to home. It was an awesome, terrifying adventure. 

It’s back to work tomorrow, and I think it will be just fine. Only a four day week. 

Pile-Diggers

by in Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Score: +4

Amanda and I made the trek up to the Oceanview Mine here in San Diego county and boy was it worth it. The mine features Tourmaline primarily, with some Beryl (Aquamarine and Morganite), Kunzite and Quartz. The deal is: you pay an entry fee and they provide you with a workstation which is composed of two sifting screens and a water trough. You are then to gather your dirt from a massive pile of mining tailings in the center with all the workstations positioned around it. You bring the dirt back to your station and pour it through the strainers, first catching the larger rocks, cleaning them, and inspecting them, and then moving on to the second screen, with all the little pieces.

It’s a labor-intensive process, and it takes many buckets before anything is found. But find we did! First, Amanda pulled this Quartz crystal right off the big screen. She was one of the only ones to find an intact crystal.


While you are digging, it’s hard to tell what you got. I picked up this sample, but it wasn’t until I got home that I was able to identify it as a rare clear Toutmaline called Achrodite.


Towards the end of the dig, I found an Aquamarine in my small strainer… I was jazzed, because the guy next to me had done twice as many buckets and he hadn’t found shit.


Amanda and I both picked a sample of Morganite, hers the larger one.


So we made off with some precious gems to put in the tumblers. We were pretty tired after a while, and didn’t stay the whole time. But we got our fair share of loot. It was a very successful and fun trip. I am glad we did it.

However, my body is very sore and tomorrow might be tough. Price paid for fun.

Cause To Rejoice

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Score: +4

A fantastic day today blog. Amanda and I got after it early, and by 9:30 we had hammered out the chores. Good thing too, because one of my fantasy football drafts took place at 10. After my draft, we hit a couple of thrift stores and I scored some absolutely essential apparel (undershirts for work, and “kickin’ it” shorts). We bought 6 – 9 garments per person at each place, and spent just $70. You can’t buy one pair of jeans for that at Macy’s. Thrifting fucking rocks. So it was a good afternoon. We got some pizza and had a late lunch, but right after that, we were back on another mission. This time, we recovered a PC that had been sitting unused at Amanda’s parents house. She gave it to them a while ago, and they never did anything with it, or even turned it on. We collected it, and of all things, gave it to Amanda’s ex husband to turn into a Minecraft server so we can play with Tristan when he is at his dad’s house. Amanda thinks her friend Will would like to get back into it as well, and now I am starting to play. I have the basics down, but there’s plenty of room to improve my skills. I think this is a good activity that we are all participating in. Approve. We fiddled around the clean apartment and I gave Amanda an awesome foot rub, followed by an orgasm. That made her happy, and me too. All in all, this was a great day, capped off about as nicely as one could hope for. I am full of food, happy and satisfied. Today deserved a four. It was solid. Tomorrow we drive up to the Oceanview Mine to collect precious stones: Tourmaline, Kunzite, Aquamarine and Quartz. We are hoping for the best, but you never know. Goodnight. 

12 of 12

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Score: +3

I made it to the end. 

I’m taking in every moment of my time off, starting right now. 

I worked after the end of the day at my aunt’s house. I was there fixing her computer and I ended up diagnosing a hard drive failure and I cleaned all her temporary files trying to fix it, and little did I know that that’s where she stored ALL of her website links. She made no bookmarks, so she lost all her web addresses that she hadn’t written down anywhere else. Which I think is silly, but I couldn’t fix her computer and then destroyed all her links. I feel bad about that. 

Today at work was fine. It was busy. I stayed after it all day. I did lots of stuff. 

Amanda and I had sushi tonight. Celebrating our start of mini vacation. I’m even thinking of having a cup of coffee or two. 

I’m watching the game. Goodnight. 

Once More

by in Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , ,

Score: +2

Well, the energy was nowhere to be found today. I agonized through my shift, and the calls were constant. Even though I had no energy, I did admirably. My coworkers were more interested in walking around and talking to each other than doing their jobs. I swallowed my frustration, and it did not go down easy. 

In nearing  critical point of exhaustion. I feel tired all the way down to my bones. I was supposed to go to a baseball game tonight, but after therapy, I was beat. We even kept it light in therapy today, which I was glad for. I couldn’t imagine going too into it with how soggy my brain felt. 

I just have to get through tomorrow. All my energy must be directed towards getting through my day. I intend to crash out early. 

Unexpected Zippyness

by in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , | 9 Comments

Score: +3.5

Ok, so the end is in sight… and that’s reassuring. So maybe knowing that has helped me, while also making plans to have some fun with my time off. Today marked a substantive increase in my energy, which peaked around lunch and carried me through the day. It was a tough one out there, and I had to tackle some new problems and learn a whole new procedure. So I needed my focus, and I handled the things that needed to get done today. 

Amanda and I talked about the upcoming 3 day weekend, and we have some great ideas about what to do. Activities to look forward to help make the ceaseless onslaught more endurable. I’m expecting a crash tomorrow, as there’s no way I’m going to be able to replenish my battery. I’m strung-out. 

But I only need to grind for two more days. I can do that. Tomorrow I go see Margaret, and I hope I bring some energy to it. It’s generally pretty taxing to do therapy, and I’m going to have very little go-juice left by the time my session begins. I may be gassed, but we’ll see. I have hope. 

Things have been good, if not draining. Amanda pointed out that my energy level has gone down over the last several months having changed my shift from 9:30 am start to 5:30 am start. I guess that’s fairly accurate. It is hard to wake up at 4:30 every day. I have to push myself HARD to get up, but I do. I have found ways to cope. I have my 4 cup coffee pot at work, and I do a couple of those to jar myself out of the funk. Once the cobwebs are clear, I do a lot better. 

People were actually talking to me today, which was weird. Normally people just ignore me, but I was involved in several irrelevant discussions, much to my surprise. People only really talk to me when they have a question and a supervisor isn’t around to answer it. I have 2 to 4 of those a day. 

Well blog, I’m ok. Tomorrow is 11 of 12. Sounds marvelous. 

9 of 12

by in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Score: +2.5

My patience was running short at the end of the day. My after-lunch coffee provided no additional boost. Sigh. I struggled to stay focused, but overall I felt my energy was slightly better than yesterday. 

I keep reminding myself that I have done this before, and that although it is hard, it is not insurmountable. They don’t know I’m mentally ill, so they treat me like any regular bloke. But being unable to rest is a terrible thing for me. It stretches my patience, it dilutes my enthusiasm and it sends me into a sort of waking torpor. I do not function correctly under these circumstances. But I would also never admit that to anyone. I’m just the asshole who who has the exacting standards and doesn’t fuck around. I come there to do my job, not be a part of comedy hour. I’m not your “bro,” I’m Westin. 

I’ve started not caring about the total failures of discipline and respect that go on there every day. I am simply separating myself from any form of concern. It’s not my problem, and nothing I could do would fix anything. 

With the time that I am not at work, I have been enjoying with Amanda. She’s what I think about when I feel particularly beat-down at my job. I just want to be home with her. I relish being in her company. We don’t have to say much; it just feels good to be in the same space together. I talk all day long, it’s nice to not have to do that when I get off. 

Well blog, I’m going to try and unwind some. I am going to see Margaret on Thursday. I hope I’m able to be productive in therapy, considering how FUCKING exhausted I am. Or, will be.