Score: +2.5

It’s been a tough couple of days. With the heat being as unrelenting as it has been, I’ve not been getting good rest and feeling generally irritable. I had a bad nightmare two nights ago, and that can make my neurochemistry imbalanced the following day. Yesterday I only worked a half day. I just reached a breaking point and just lost all energy and focus. Today it was much the same, but I got 3/4 of the way and bailed out. I have been having a very hard time focusing on my job. My mind wanders and I can’t concentrate on what I’m doing. I often find myself typing things out that I’m thinking rather than what I should be doing. This has been getting worse lately, peaking today, where nearly everything was off. I was double checking, which made the already tedious process even slower. I’m not sure what my problem is. 

I know I deal with ADD symptoms, but I’ve always been able to push through it. This week though… I’m hopeful that tomorrow will be better. 

I’m also feeling increasingly depressed. I don’t know what trigger is. This heat is like poison to me. Maybe that long weekend just contrasted so harshly with the brutality of the work week in a very stark way. I wish I was still having fun like I did, but that’s not realistic. Life is mostly work, occasionally enjoyable. There are people out there who genuinely love their jobs, but I do not. My job is hard, and as ceaseless as the mail. I never truly enjoyed it, even when I first started. I’m good at it, and I understand it well enough, but I don’t take much pleasure from it. This will be my lot, because I don’t get to just choose whatever I want to do. I dropped out of college, and I have no skill that is something that I would like to do professionally. I could see myself as a PC game designer, or managing a computer repair shop… maybe. But these are dreams, and just as unattainable as my other incorporeal fancies. I don’t spend much time on things that will never “be.”

I’m sure this will pass. I just need to hunker down and get through this rough spot. It’s not as hot today as it was yesterday. Maybe I’ll feel better tomorrow.  

8 thoughts on “Disenchanted 

  1. I stumbled across this post and it spoke to me on multiple levels. I cannot count the number of days I go into work just unmotivated. I think it too goes beyond work, I am just unmotivated in general though I want desperately to do something better for myself. Perhaps this is a common theme in those of us with some anxiety, or in your case ADD. Regardless, I too hope you feel better tomorrow.

    • Thank you for your words. I’m usually not in a funk for extended periods of time. It is hard for me to do a highly monotonous job and stay high-energy. Motivation is hard to come by most days for me, but I force myself because I’m not happy languishing in that negative space. I deserve better, and I am capable of that. Some days, it’s just hard.

  2. Ick-heat and moods equal blah. Sorry you’re having such a rough week. Tomorrow is Friday. What are you and Amanda going to do with your finds from the mine? I know what you mean about the “job” feeling. You know a computer repair shop sounds pretty cool. I’m so not tech savvy :p

    • Yes tomorrow is indeed Friday. I’m going to try and make it the whole day tomorrow. We are going to take the stones and put them in a rock tumbler and polish them, which will make them look awesome. It takes 30 days, but the results are impressive. Truly. Yeah, I’d like to be a manager of something someday, but I think that day is far from the present. Hope all is well with you. Tomorrow will be better.

      • Oh how neat! I can’t wait to see them once they’re finished and shiny. Shiny is pretty in my eye.
        I’m struggling myself but I’ve enjoyed a quiet week with the parents gone. I spent two days cleaning and spent today taking a nap after dropping the kids off lol. Tomorrow I’m chaperoning in Monkey’s class tomorrow on a walking field trip. And looking forward to a cool weekend.

      • Yes there will be pictures once they are done, surely. I’m sorry that you are struggling. Things always improve with time. Sounds like you are keeping busy. That’s good. Our weekend will be cooler too, but it’s 93 in the apartment at this moment.

      • Yeah I think of it like the tide-it ebbs and flows. Yuk that’s just uncalled for. Sorry it’s so hot in there. I’m trying to send some cool air to you…not sure if it’ll get past the Rockies ;)

      • That’s awesome. It’s almost 9 here and it’s 90 degrees. Sigh. Well, I’m going to sweat myself to sleep much the way I did last night, and hopefully your cold air he’s here soon. I’m counting on you Sass.

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