Today capped what has been a very difficult week. I did not bring much energy to it and I suffered almost every agonizing minute like it was a minor eternity. Today was the hardest day of the four, as I spent the first full 4 hours of my shift in a dream-like haze. I drank my coffee, and then another… no measurable change. I pondered escaping yet again but decided that I would push myself through regardless. I was in turmoil, grinding away my energy and polluting the mind with depressed thoughts. Music was impacting be in a largely negative way, which is a sign that I am symptomatic. So today was hard.
I entertained myself with thoughts of going home, and being with Amanda. I wanted to sit with her and just relax. We got on to our dedicated Minecraft server and traveled two continents over and left the snowy land far behind. We traveled the ocean and found some desert islands but found no food there, so we continued to sail west. We crossed an even larger ocean expanse and found a forested continent with an abundance of food. It was home. This is what I enjoy about Minecraft: the map is never-ending. As limitless as the imagination. Albeit, there are only so many terrain variations and textures…
I’m thinking my mental health has deteriorated over this week. Not sure what the culprit is, but I certainly know it’s happening. I need to hunker-down this next week and get back into a healthy pattern, I’ve been over-eating lately. Part of that is that I’ve been too tired to cook much, and it’s been so hot that turning the oven I was an ill-advised maneuver. But I can do better. I’ve lost so much weight that I’d like to be able to have it stay lost.
Things could be better in my brain. But this weekend is just what I need. I will sleep in tomorrow and have a relaxing day, aside from taking care of my responsibilities. Sunday is the first full slate of NFL games, which I have been looking forward to immensely. It’s going to be a lot of fun this year. And I mean to have fun, not necessarily for any outcome. Whatever happens, happens. I’m not raising my expectations like I did last year.