Spent

Score: +1.5

Today I did not make it in to work. It was a struggle of astronomical proportions to get out of bed, and I could not do it. I emailed in and used some of my PTO to have a day. And it was just the thing I needed. I woke up naturally and felt well-rested. I had the energy to do some stuff around the apartment, and I went shopping and bought Amanda and I some dinner. I tried to make something of an otherwise lost episode. Things have been nice today. I feel relaxed and ready to unplug for a while. The weekends are wonderful, even if we don’t do much. I feel like I can just BE there with her. I’ve been watching so much football… poor Amanda is doing her best. She’s not repulsed by it, but there is not much she finds interesting about it just yet. That might change with time. Baseball, she admitted, she had begun to comprehend, which bodes well for her understanding football, in time. I have no expectations in this department, and I am fully willing to compromise in the event that she comes to dislike it. We have been together 9 months, but it feels like we have established a comfort-level routine that might have taken others longer to build. I find the maturity with how she handles adversity to be particularly astonishing, and admirable. She was feeling anxious the other day and actually told me: “If it gets too bad with my depression, I would understand if you had to leave me… I would be hurt, but I would understand.” I guess this is what the last guy did to her, at the most critical point in which he was needed, he chose to abandon her. This is a thing I absolutely could not do. I truly love her, and the man she inspires me to be, and I’m going to get through this time with her and come out the other side of it stronger, and better than before. There is no giving up, and there is no prerequisite. There is no timetable for completion, just consistent encouragement along the line of self-improvement. Some time a part of that struggle is becoming truly self-aware… fuck, it’s a lesson I’m still figuring out. So when my body said: you need a break bud, I took one. I’ve had time to reflect, and today I was motivated to do some helpful things around the house because I love my girlfriend Amanda and I want her to just concentrate on getting healthy, and leave the rest to me. I’m doing ok, and can handle taking on the extra weight. I’m proud to, as a matter of fact, because it gives you the freedom to be unencumbered by responsibility and heal. I’m doing the best I can to give her the best shot possible at regaining her footing. I’m there for her right now, and I’m glad to be. I hope you all have a good weekend.

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Drink?

Score: +2.5

I made it a full Monday with no leaving early. It was really hard. I struggled against that negative voice all day, telling me I had to leave and give up. But I didn’t. I hung in there. 

Today was hard because of the volume of stuff to do. It was more than any one person could accomplish in one sitting. I tried to get it down to one page, to no avail. Things are pending for me to resolve tomorrow. Lots of things. 

Amanda went back to work today, but had a terrible day. Lied about and abused. However, her art was accepted for publication and her crystals arrived in the mail. Pictures below. 

Overall, we are moving through life. Things get tough from time to time. This is the way. 

I feel ok. It could be worse. It HAS been worse. Many times. This life is solid. Stable. And in it I am doing very well. I have a partner who accepts me. And all my flaws. I feel somewhat distant, but depression is the culprit behind that. Amanda is going through a hard time. And I support her through it all. 

   
 

Rut

Score: +2

This week has been hard so far. I’ve missed some time again, and I’m finding myself largely uninspired. My work is monotonous, and pays few rewards. 

I did, however, have the highest sale numbers on any tech in the call center over the last 9 weeks ($17,346). I, no doubt, was shit talked about today since I left early and those totals came out. “That guy doesn’t do anything, how can he be in first place?” I will see little more than a fraction of a percent as commission. 

Truth is, I process a fucking ton of email orders, mostly exchanges but a sale every so often. That adds up. I fielded a few good sales phone calls in there, since I still do that too. I’m the most flexible agent there because I fill every moment with something to do. Or damn near close to it. It’s not fun. It just makes the time go. 

So this week has been hard for Amanda and I. She hasn’t been into work yet, and may not go at all. She went to see her GP and got some painkillers for her back. It seems like she really hates her job and I think she would be better served finding a new one. But that’s a conversation we’ve been having for a while. She’s not happy, and sinking into a deep depressive state. She won’t be able to see her psychiatrist for more than a week. 

My mood has been ok. My energy has been somewhat low, which has been the case for some time now. I don’t think the early schedule has helped me with this. I seem to be experiencing diminishing returns. But I’m pretty much locked in to my shift. Dramatic change would need to take place to affect the way things are. 

I have a looming sense of dread at work. Things are being scrutinized. I have most of my ducks in a row but not all. My attendance is a huge problem that I continue to find ways to disappoint myself about. I used to really like it there. Now I see the double-standards, the intentional stupidity. It’s all so stark and apparent. 

I’m hopeful for a good night’s rest. I woke up knowing that I would miss time today. I almost didn’t go in the first place. Meh. 

Executioner

Score: +3

Things are changing at work. The hammer has fallen on management and we are being scrutinized arbitrarily. I don’t necessarily fear for my lot, but I don’t like the atmosphere. Things have become more hostile. 

Besides the stress of work, me emotions have been ok. I tried to trade or give away my weekend shift but no dice. None of them even wanted an extra fucking day if pay. I almost wanted to take it personally. Fuck those guys. 

Anyway. Amanda’s birthday is on Sunday, but we will be celebrating on Saturday. And Friday night with my parents. Her crystal birthday presents are still on their way from China. Maybe I can take her shopping on Sunday for the rest of her loot. 

I hope things at work improve. I feel oppressed and not cared about there. My boss hardly ever says anything positive to me. It’s starting to suck. 

Running Into Walls

Score: +2

I’m feeling less enthusiastic about my job lately. Overall, I am overworked and underpaid. It seems that the dizzying effects of new employ have faded, and I am left with the stale fart of disappointment. I rarely receive appreciation for what I do. I am less interested in my life as the taste has grown bitter. I am beginning to slump. 

Things outside of the work bubble are fine. I celebrated by 32nd birthday last Friday. My parents prepared a fish taco feast, and it was glorious. Amanda got a bad cold and could not bring herself and Tristan to the festivities. I made sure to pump her full of vitamin c for as long as necessary. Her condition has improved since.

I had my last session at the clinic with Margaret on Thursday. I will now be a paying client at her private practice. This is a good transition. I will also only be seeing her once a month. We had a thoughtful close-out session where we discussed all the improvements I’ve made. She was with me through my suicide attempt and all the Jax aftermath. Speaking of: it’s been a long time since I felt anything detrimental about my ex. I’ve got so many other things going on in my life right now. It’s come to the point where she just doesn’t mean anything to me anymore. Good or bad. 

I’m still figuring out what I want to do with my life. I told Amanda today that I’m almost certain I don’t want to keep doing what I’m doing, and that I need to find a job that makes me happy. Thursday will be our 10 month anniversary. Things are feeling pretty solid. I really trust her, and I love her. It’s a different love. What we have wasn’t centered around physicality. I got into this with her because of who she is as a person, and about the kind of life we could build together. I care for her son, and I want to be his great friend. Things feel a thousand times less volatile and scary in this relationship as opposed to my others. Amanda is cool, contemplative and a rock by comparison to me. 

All-in-all things are ok. My energy has been low for a few weeks. I’m still holding out hope that it will recover at some point. Anyway, have a good night. 

Forward Again

Score: +3

I realized today that I have it pretty good. My life is safe, stable and flourishing. Things aren’t perfect, but nothing ever really is, and we find ways to cope regardless. I talked to my psych doctor and I really didn’t have anything to report that was negative or abnormal. Ever since we added the Buspar, I have been largely symptom free. My life is full of responsibility and stress, but this is exactly what I expected. I’ve taken on a lot, and I have meaning as a result. I have earned a reputation for being a hard worker and a trustworthy person, and I feel good about who I have become. I have taken many steps back along the way, and I have done my best to learn from them. I still make mistakes, and I accept that I will without becoming enamored by frustration.

I’ve been cruising along nicely, but I have noticed that I have less overall energy than I used to have when my schedule allowed me to sleep in and wake up naturally. I think this is ok though. I’m more useful if I clock in earlier. I don’t need to stay up at night, I’m not the kind of person who waits until night to go out and do things anyway. I’m relatively boring but I don’t mind.

My parents returned to San Diego after being gone for 4 months, and that was nice. We had a little party and it was good fun. My birthday is coming up on Friday, and Amanda, Tristan and I are all going over to the RV for a party. It’s going to be fucking awesome. I just hope we can keep Tristan distracted enough for the duration. It’s the first time we have all been together.

Well, I’m feeling a tad drained from my cancellation weekend. I really never got refilled the whole time. I slept a lot, I just felt exhausted continuously. I have missed a few hours here this week so far, I just keep running out of fuel and I poop out a couple hours before my shift ends. My work is super flexible with my schedule so I have nothing to worry about. They really value what I do there. So everything is ok.

I Am glad I can come here and just process. I have felt too tired to sit down and write lately, but I will fall back into the habit again here soon. It’s not easy to write (for me) when things are gong good. It’s pretty boring, even for me to reiterate.

Cancellations

Score: +2.5

I didn’t go into work on Friday and that whole day pretty much became a cancellation. I also didn’t go to my psych doctors appointment. I figured: I’m doing fine, I’ll see her in a few weeks and tell her as much. My parents came home, and it was great to see them. My mom brought back about 45 pounds of rock. Good quality Quartz, Jasper, Jade and Agates of varying color. She found the kush green banded Jade, which is quite expensive. It will make for some excellent jewelry. Truly. I’m glad they’re back. 

Amanda and I were productive today. We did chores, went shopping, bought a crystal growing kit (see: shits and giggles) and I even went back to my parent’s to pick up my old iPhone which I am giving to my mom (pending a new SIM card so it will truly be hers). But really, I just wanted to get into my elastic shorts and lay around. I’ve felt so drained the last two days. I’m out of it. But hopefully tomorrow will be better. I’m looking forward to the slate of NFL games, starting with a 6:30 am game in London. I’m not giving myself a great chance to win this weekend in fantasy football, but it would be pivotal if I captured at least one victory. We’ll see. 

Amanda and I are doing good. We have a very relaxed way about us. It’s not a relationship where I always need to be paying attention to her. She pretty much does her own thing. I don’t worry about our relationship falling apart; we never fight and we seem pretty content with the way things are. She’s very much her own person, and I respect that. The relationship is not her identity, as it should never be. This is really the first time I’ve been with someone who was an adult. She’s got herself figured out, there’s no experimenting or denial. I respect her immensely. 

Here’s hoping for som nor zest.