Rut

Score: +2

This week has been hard so far. I’ve missed some time again, and I’m finding myself largely uninspired. My work is monotonous, and pays few rewards. 

I did, however, have the highest sale numbers on any tech in the call center over the last 9 weeks ($17,346). I, no doubt, was shit talked about today since I left early and those totals came out. “That guy doesn’t do anything, how can he be in first place?” I will see little more than a fraction of a percent as commission. 

Truth is, I process a fucking ton of email orders, mostly exchanges but a sale every so often. That adds up. I fielded a few good sales phone calls in there, since I still do that too. I’m the most flexible agent there because I fill every moment with something to do. Or damn near close to it. It’s not fun. It just makes the time go. 

So this week has been hard for Amanda and I. She hasn’t been into work yet, and may not go at all. She went to see her GP and got some painkillers for her back. It seems like she really hates her job and I think she would be better served finding a new one. But that’s a conversation we’ve been having for a while. She’s not happy, and sinking into a deep depressive state. She won’t be able to see her psychiatrist for more than a week. 

My mood has been ok. My energy has been somewhat low, which has been the case for some time now. I don’t think the early schedule has helped me with this. I seem to be experiencing diminishing returns. But I’m pretty much locked in to my shift. Dramatic change would need to take place to affect the way things are. 

I have a looming sense of dread at work. Things are being scrutinized. I have most of my ducks in a row but not all. My attendance is a huge problem that I continue to find ways to disappoint myself about. I used to really like it there. Now I see the double-standards, the intentional stupidity. It’s all so stark and apparent. 

I’m hopeful for a good night’s rest. I woke up knowing that I would miss time today. I almost didn’t go in the first place. Meh. 

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