Monthly Archives: November 2015

Moving Furniture

by in Mental Illness, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

Score: +3.5

We had our little thanksgiving dinner last night and it was perfect. We cleaned the house up from top to bottom and got it ready for a party the whole day leading up to it. We served Amanda’s Wyoming enchiladas and it was a smash hit. My family met her family for the first time. Although, my dad wasn’t there. He’s been dealing with a gastrointestinal issue and can’t process real food. But people talked and we shared our house. It was awesome. There was a lot of moving furniture around that was done. Lots. We changed everything about the floor plan. And then we put it all back the right way before we went to bed. Phew. 

Today has been a lazy Sunday. We went out and got a Christmas tree. A fake one, mind you. Cats plus real tree equals bad. I did 4 loads of laundry and that felt good to get done. I’m pretty tired. All those stairs between me and the laundry room gets kinda irritating after a couple. 

I think next week will be a good week at work. I don’t know why I think that. Monday’s are always pretty busy. Usually lots of tickets pile up over the weekend. I was on top of it Friday, but that will have changed by now. Weekend guys don’t like to pick up tickets. 

Things are going good in my life. Amanda and I are continuing to get closer. I find out things I didn’t know before still, going on month 10. Things feel like they are solidifying. I really trust her, and I know she has my back. We have been trudging out of a hole for some time, but we are making progress. 

I don’t wish I had spicy things and drama to write about. I like my stable life just the way it is. Things don’t need to go and be interesting all the time. Sometimes interesting is troublesome. I’m proud to be one-dimensional and have a dull life. I feel genuinely fulfilled in my world, wanted, appreciated and loved. I’m in a good spot right now. 

Press

by in Mental Illness, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , ,

No score as its not the end of the day. I’m in my cozy truck with the heater on. A chilly day in the desert southwest. Things at work are slow, and our phones are down. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I will be spending it with my mom’s parents. This will be my grandma’s last Thanksgiving as she has terminal stage 4 colon cancer. She will be doing chemotherapy and radiation, but the war is lost. 

Things in my life are good. I have a stable home and I am happy. My partner is still struggling with depression, and I am being as supportive as possible. I try to encourage good patterns whenever possible. Cannabis has greatly helped me; I’m getting lots of things done after work with the added energy boost. My evenings are relaxing. Lately we have both been getting stoned and watching lots of Game of Thrones. I have all of it downloaded. Good old piracy. 

I know that this time of year is always a little crunchy. Things get harder, demands are higher, and life speeds up a bit. I can’t believe we’re almost to December. January 15th marks one year with Amanda. We are going strong as allies and I don’t foresee any trouble. We still haven’t fought about anything yet. We’ve had a few pointed discussions, but no yelling or anger. Not even close. 

I’m working extra hard to make some money for us. We are going to take out another loan from Amanda’s retirement in Februrary and pay off some debt. We gave a good plan for success and are moving ahead. I’m hopeful things will improve mood wise and we will be in a resoundingly happy place soon. 

Turning

by in Creative Writing and tagged , , , , ,

A cold wind moves,

Painfully scraping cheeks,

Crisping dead leaves,

Shadows along the horizon,

Near the chill of days. 

Radiance gone, 

Diminished in the twilight,

Pale blotted clouds,

Gusts that tear through with icy fangs,

Hissing. 

Bleeding out into the night,

Standing starkly against,

Stone bricks freeze,

In the change of season. 

That’s A Wrap!

by in Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , ,

Score: +4

Today was pretty kick back. Work was easy to manage and I even had time to take a few incoming phone calls. I’ve been on a steady upward trend lately, and I’m glad. My life and the people in it are getting healthy, but we are also aware that this process takes time. It’s Friday. I’m glad to be off; I worked an extra 5 hours this week. This should be a big paycheck coming in.

Tristan is having a hard time listening to direction. Amanda is handling the discipline, I’m just a really cool friend. I mean, I ask him not to do things sometimes, but I don’t administer. That’s note the role for me. I can be a better role model in other ways.

I don’t have much to say. I’m cruising.

In

by in Mental Illness, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , ,

Score: +3.5

We’re back in a rhythm here. 9 hour days are routine. Tired by 7:30 to be expected. Work is lightening up a bit, which I don’t mind after the hell we had been through. We are getting some new people around here, but relief will not be processed until weeks from now. They have a long way to go. I remember how clueless I was when I started. Got myself into all kinds of trouble. Things have stabilized since.  

Personally, I’m doing ok. My energy is low, but my attitude is excellent. Amanda and I are good. She’s climbing out of a depressed place, and I can already see the shadows fading. We are trying to eat better, and do ourselves a favor. Eating poorly just lowers energy and makes everything harder. 

I really should try to blog on the weekends when I have more with the words. Brain is tired now. Time for bed.  

Intoxicated

by in Mental Illness, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , ,

Score: +2.5

I’m picking up some extra time at work and working 9 hour days for the foreseeable future. I’m pretty desperate to save some money so this is a necessary step. Sometimes we do the hard things because we must in order to survive. 

My relationship has been positive. Amanda met with her doctor and she has made progress in the right direction. I can see her smile coming back. We have some cannabis and have been smoking it. It’s nice to have it, for now. I sensed we needed a break from sobriety. And we never got carried away, we just enjoyed in moderation. 

I am doing swell. I’m lead in sales at work, and have been for the last several weeks. No one cares to talk to me about it, or what I do. I’m still an outsider there. However, I am more accepted than before. 

I’m letting my hair get long. I look very different with my neck-length hair. It has only recently started to behave, so I wear it in its natural state. A coworker made a joke about it being 70s hair. Probably closer to accurate than the joke intended. 

Overall I’m just gauging how much I can handle. Taking on another hour is going to pay dividends, but it remains to be seen how my energy will respond. 

34 Hours of Freedom

by in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

Score: +2

I was assailed by my random paranoid emotions today. They were hard at work inundating my active thoughts with memories and upwellings. Much to my surprise, as I have done nothing to aggravate them lately. Random things would set them off. I struggled all day to keep the lid on, AND do my job at a high level. It was tiring, and I survived largely unscathed. However, my whole energy level has taken a hit (see today’s score). 

I don’t get a whole weekend, just Saturday. I’m at work for 9 hours on Sunday. Hence the title; I clearly get less than two days to have fun and relax. Also, this Sunday marks day 1 of 7 in a row at work. It’s unfortunate to only get 1 day off, because I’ll have lots to do on Saturday, and will get less time than usual to recharge the battery. It will not be full going into the week. It’s times like these that I remind myself that doing hard things is what makes me strong. I have done my best to rise to the occasion. 

Poor Amanda. I know she basically works non stop all day, because her job is at the gateway to Hell. Her boss is insane, and treats her like flank steak. It’s a terrible situation that we both have been pondering in recent days. But we are in a hole and need to make some money, so we have to hunker down and hammer out some yardage, regardless of weather conditions. We are off to a good start. 
So I am going to relish these first few tasty hours of freedom while pondering my fantasy football teams and try my best to unwind. I hope your weekend goes swimmingly. 

And Days Go By…

by in Mental Illness, Rant, Sports Pontifications, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , ,

Score: +3.5

We are rolling through some form of trough. Things have become increasingly deliberate and generally strenuous. 

Today was a good day though. It was busy, so time really zipped by. Also, I have received a lot of positive feedback lately. 

Amanda and I are closer than ever as we scramble for a way out of the hole. She has had a dramatic change in her medications, and we are currently still unable to detect improvement, but it has only been 3 days. We have the boy this week, and he is very low energy. Unlike last time. This was much appreciated because Amanda is struggling. We are taking necessary steps and working daily towards the goal of wellness. But change is slow in mental health. 

My grandma has cancer and it has matastacised. She has a very limited amount of time left. My mom has been in the hospital with her for days. On top of that, the water pump in my parent’s RV exploded, causing thousands of dollars in damage. It’s been a series of shit draws. 

Life is not headed in a particularly pleasing direction. I still have my head above water but things are continuing to become submerged. I am relatively powerless here, and just trying to carry as much burden as possible. I’m hoping that I can provide assistance in this way, and not perpetuate any more suffering. 

I don’t know what is next, but the sea is choppy and we have a long ways to go before safe harbor.

In more uplifting news: I’m 12-4 in both leagues this season. That’s 3:1 win loss ratio, and only having one 0-2 week (3). I have rarely done so well. I’m still not getting my hopes up. I may lose out and miss the playoffs. You never know. With the way things have been going, I’m not going to be surprised if it all falls apart. 

My spirits are up, but the situation is in need of improvement.