Poof

Score: +3

I didn’t stay the whole day today. Just couldn’t do it. I have been enjoying my holiday break extensively. I get two days off Friday and Saturday but go back to work Sunday. I’m also babysitting the on-call phone this week. Extra $250 for me. Hoorah. 

My world is fairly laid back right now. Amanda and I are watching Tru Blood. I had already seen the first season. Compelling. Not super great in the writing department, but the story is interesting. I enjoy some of the characters. 

Amanda and I are coexisting. It’s been nice to have so much time off together. We don’t talk all the time, but I really like just having her there in the room with me. Hearing her sleep. It’s nice that she feels safe and at peace. It feels like home with her. 

I’m sluggish, but ok overall. Been hard to jar myself out of the holiday mode. I’ll have another go at it tomorrow. 

End of Veg

Score: +3.5

It has been a pretty good four day weekend. I’m very pleased with how much merry I made. Things have been winding down to this point, where I face my upcoming shift. There will be a lot of work to catch up on. I will be busy the whole time I am there. 

Amanda has hurt feelings because her son said he would rather be with his dad today. He’s five, and only knows that his step brother Dante is also at his dad’s, which makes it more fun then hanging with two quiet grown ups. I play with him when he wants to play, but he’s into video games and that keeps him distracted. I wish he were older so our oddness would be understood. He doesn’t know what a burden his mom has to carry. 

I’m actually kind of glad to be getting back. I need order. Too much free time and I start to go crazy. Structure is essential for keeping the psycho monkey behind the gated door. 

Well I’m tired. Goodnight. 

Ding Dong Ding Dong

Score: + 4

Awesome Christmas morning with my family today. We all gathered at our apartment and opened presents. It was a good time indeed. Amanda was embarrassed because Tristan was acting ungrateful and only cared about getting the Wii U. He was being rude, but he’s also 5 and doesn’t understand much about social norms or politeness. So I don’t hold him accountable. One day he will understand. 

I got a nice new hoodie and some Vans. I also got a very cool custom calendar which I will be hanging up at work. My dad made it. I got a Tupperware full of cookies, which is now completely gone. I got a loaf of sour cream bread and 1/3 of that is devoured already. It’s been a good day. We’ve relaxed and made merry. I get Monday off as well, which I adore. Good ol’ PTO. So I’m intending to go on vegetating through the rest of my weekend. Living the Christmas dream. Or, my version of it. 

Dull

Score: +3

Well blog, things are winding down to Christmas. It’s only a couple days away and I’m glad to say that I am prepared. All my shopping is done and my entire day booked solid. It’s going to be awesome, as Christmas typically is. Especially with my family. I’m going to be spending the night with Amanda cooking our own Christmas dinner for her parents and some family. This will be a new one on me. But I’m optimistic. 

Work is slow. Very slow. Call volume is lower, my tickets have been few and far between. I’m really on top of my shit, but I get bored. Being bored is agonizing, because time becomes noticeably slow. I’d rather be busy, and have my day feel shorter than it was. Occupied = yes. 

We are going to eat sushi tonight, and indulge. I’m convincing myself that it’s ok to gain weight during winter because all the best eating and reckless abandon occur at that time. What am I going to do, not eat cookies? Or sour cream bread? Give me a fucking break. It’s WAY more fun my way. Your way smells like toad farts and old broccoli. 

Really no stress today. Things are crawling along. I’m feeling good. 

Stricken

I’m having an anxiety attack. I feel a pressing weight on my chest, my pulse is up, I’m twitchy and sweaty and I feel an overwhelming sense of dread. But what am I anxious about? 

Sometimes neurochemical things happen and I experience symptoms that seem to have no origin event or trigger. There are days where I wake up and feel like barbecued ass, right from the get-go. There’s no reason for it, and there’s no escaping it. I’ve had times like this in the past, and I’m growing more familiar with them. 

The best thing for me to do is express. I’m struggling with physical symptoms, but I know that it will pass soon. I will go to bed and when I wake up, things will be better. It’s not the ideal solution, mind you. I drank some kava tea and tried some breathing exercises, but that only temporarily distracted me from my feelings. Once I was idling, it all came back. My fear has no face or name. 

I expect that being mentally ill isn’t a walk in the park. Things are bound to happen that perturb the regular course of events. I just hope to be able to face those times (and this one) with dignity. I don’t want to be huddled in the corner surrendering to it, but continuing to lead my life regardless. It just gets harder when symptoms happen. 

Thanks for helping me process. It really does help to just write things down. Even if there is no direct thought or trigger to rationalize, just describing the predicament is useful. It gets the spinning thoughts to slow down and be documented. There are times when I get anxious that feel so out of control. It helps to be grounded by words. 

I’m sure I will be fine in not too long. 

Consecutive

Score: +3

I am going to be making a regular habit of checking in daily to process my feelings. I have been somewhat delinquent in my blogging. The whole point of this place is to expunge. I wish to hold true to that. 

Today was slow. I got nearly 100% caught up on tickets and issues handed to me. I even had some boredom. This is abnormal considering how swamped we have been the last several weeks. Things are finally slowing down. Hooray and boo all at the same time. 

At home, Amanda has been sick. She is not going back to work until the new year. I am sad for her because she is suffering. I wish there was an easy way to get her out of her current job and into something she could enjoy. Hopefully things continue to improve health wise and we can get back on track again. 

I am in the championship for the second year in a row in my family league. Last year I lost by 1.4 fantasy points. Boo. This year I am likely to lose again as my team has been maligned by injuries. In two weeks I will be in 2nd place for the second year in a row. 

All told I am ok. I was bored today and I don’t really like that. But I’m home now and things are good. 

Droop

Score: +3

I’m getting tired earlier and earlier. Sleep is not the replenishing force it once was in my life. I have entered a sort of slide back down the hill I just finished climbing. 

Amanda and I had our 11 month anniversary today. Time has really zoomed by. I feel like there is still so much I have to learn about her. I know her, but not as deeply as I want. We spend time every day strengthening our bond with good open conversation. 

I’ve largely given up trying to put my foot down in my personal life and at work. Holding my coworkers to an exacting standard was a failure, and inspired no one. At home, I’ve become more relaxed, somewhat less detail oriented. Amanda has taught me a lot about how to let things go. I think I’m getting better at it. 

Blog, I’m fatigued right down to my core. I know I must push through this difficult time, and prevail. I’m laying here under my comforter, groaning at the thought of starting tomorrow. I wish I had more vitality, or strength. The salad is missing it’s croutons. 

Find rejuvenating sleep, all of you. I wish the same for myself.