I didn’t stay the whole day today. Just couldn’t do it. I have been enjoying my holiday break extensively. I get two days off Friday and Saturday but go back to work Sunday. I’m also babysitting the on-call phone this week. Extra $250 for me. Hoorah.
My world is fairly laid back right now. Amanda and I are watching Tru Blood. I had already seen the first season. Compelling. Not super great in the writing department, but the story is interesting. I enjoy some of the characters.
Amanda and I are coexisting. It’s been nice to have so much time off together. We don’t talk all the time, but I really like just having her there in the room with me. Hearing her sleep. It’s nice that she feels safe and at peace. It feels like home with her.
I’m sluggish, but ok overall. Been hard to jar myself out of the holiday mode. I’ll have another go at it tomorrow.
It has been a pretty good four day weekend. I’m very pleased with how much merry I made. Things have been winding down to this point, where I face my upcoming shift. There will be a lot of work to catch up on. I will be busy the whole time I am there.
Amanda has hurt feelings because her son said he would rather be with his dad today. He’s five, and only knows that his step brother Dante is also at his dad’s, which makes it more fun then hanging with two quiet grown ups. I play with him when he wants to play, but he’s into video games and that keeps him distracted. I wish he were older so our oddness would be understood. He doesn’t know what a burden his mom has to carry.
I’m actually kind of glad to be getting back. I need order. Too much free time and I start to go crazy. Structure is essential for keeping the psycho monkey behind the gated door.
Well I’m tired. Goodnight.
Score: + 4
Awesome Christmas morning with my family today. We all gathered at our apartment and opened presents. It was a good time indeed. Amanda was embarrassed because Tristan was acting ungrateful and only cared about getting the Wii U. He was being rude, but he’s also 5 and doesn’t understand much about social norms or politeness. So I don’t hold him accountable. One day he will understand.
I got a nice new hoodie and some Vans. I also got a very cool custom calendar which I will be hanging up at work. My dad made it. I got a Tupperware full of cookies, which is now completely gone. I got a loaf of sour cream bread and 1/3 of that is devoured already. It’s been a good day. We’ve relaxed and made merry. I get Monday off as well, which I adore. Good ol’ PTO. So I’m intending to go on vegetating through the rest of my weekend. Living the Christmas dream. Or, my version of it.
Well blog, things are winding down to Christmas. It’s only a couple days away and I’m glad to say that I am prepared. All my shopping is done and my entire day booked solid. It’s going to be awesome, as Christmas typically is. Especially with my family. I’m going to be spending the night with Amanda cooking our own Christmas dinner for her parents and some family. This will be a new one on me. But I’m optimistic.
Work is slow. Very slow. Call volume is lower, my tickets have been few and far between. I’m really on top of my shit, but I get bored. Being bored is agonizing, because time becomes noticeably slow. I’d rather be busy, and have my day feel shorter than it was. Occupied = yes.
We are going to eat sushi tonight, and indulge. I’m convincing myself that it’s ok to gain weight during winter because all the best eating and reckless abandon occur at that time. What am I going to do, not eat cookies? Or sour cream bread? Give me a fucking break. It’s WAY more fun my way. Your way smells like toad farts and old broccoli.
Really no stress today. Things are crawling along. I’m feeling good.
I’m having an anxiety attack. I feel a pressing weight on my chest, my pulse is up, I’m twitchy and sweaty and I feel an overwhelming sense of dread. But what am I anxious about?
Sometimes neurochemical things happen and I experience symptoms that seem to have no origin event or trigger. There are days where I wake up and feel like barbecued ass, right from the get-go. There’s no reason for it, and there’s no escaping it. I’ve had times like this in the past, and I’m growing more familiar with them.
The best thing for me to do is express. I’m struggling with physical symptoms, but I know that it will pass soon. I will go to bed and when I wake up, things will be better. It’s not the ideal solution, mind you. I drank some kava tea and tried some breathing exercises, but that only temporarily distracted me from my feelings. Once I was idling, it all came back. My fear has no face or name.
I expect that being mentally ill isn’t a walk in the park. Things are bound to happen that perturb the regular course of events. I just hope to be able to face those times (and this one) with dignity. I don’t want to be huddled in the corner surrendering to it, but continuing to lead my life regardless. It just gets harder when symptoms happen.
Thanks for helping me process. It really does help to just write things down. Even if there is no direct thought or trigger to rationalize, just describing the predicament is useful. It gets the spinning thoughts to slow down and be documented. There are times when I get anxious that feel so out of control. It helps to be grounded by words.
I’m sure I will be fine in not too long.
I am going to be making a regular habit of checking in daily to process my feelings. I have been somewhat delinquent in my blogging. The whole point of this place is to expunge. I wish to hold true to that.
Today was slow. I got nearly 100% caught up on tickets and issues handed to me. I even had some boredom. This is abnormal considering how swamped we have been the last several weeks. Things are finally slowing down. Hooray and boo all at the same time.
At home, Amanda has been sick. She is not going back to work until the new year. I am sad for her because she is suffering. I wish there was an easy way to get her out of her current job and into something she could enjoy. Hopefully things continue to improve health wise and we can get back on track again.
I am in the championship for the second year in a row in my family league. Last year I lost by 1.4 fantasy points. Boo. This year I am likely to lose again as my team has been maligned by injuries. In two weeks I will be in 2nd place for the second year in a row.
All told I am ok. I was bored today and I don’t really like that. But I’m home now and things are good.
I’m getting tired earlier and earlier. Sleep is not the replenishing force it once was in my life. I have entered a sort of slide back down the hill I just finished climbing.
Amanda and I had our 11 month anniversary today. Time has really zoomed by. I feel like there is still so much I have to learn about her. I know her, but not as deeply as I want. We spend time every day strengthening our bond with good open conversation.
I’ve largely given up trying to put my foot down in my personal life and at work. Holding my coworkers to an exacting standard was a failure, and inspired no one. At home, I’ve become more relaxed, somewhat less detail oriented. Amanda has taught me a lot about how to let things go. I think I’m getting better at it.
Blog, I’m fatigued right down to my core. I know I must push through this difficult time, and prevail. I’m laying here under my comforter, groaning at the thought of starting tomorrow. I wish I had more vitality, or strength. The salad is missing it’s croutons.
Find rejuvenating sleep, all of you. I wish the same for myself.
It took me a while to clear the cobwebs this morning. I did party pretty hard Sunday. One coffee proved to not be enough.
I’m doing fine. I just had a really slow start today, and my shift seemed to drag on at times. I did manage to hang in there, despite increasing desires to flee. It’s really hard Monday morning. Gets easier from there.
I’ve been gaming and looking after my fantasy teams. Things are going well. I’m working my way through the map list in Edain with the AI on brutal. I’m stuck on a map that seems ludicrously stacked against me. Not sure how to win on that one. I’m going to the post season in both leagues again this year. I have the lead in one two-week game. The farther I lead the more secure my next week. Gotta win four games in a row to be a champion.
Amanda is still having a hard time. She didn’t go in today, and may not go in tomorrow. She’s missed almost two weeks. It’s a bummer to see her suffering so badly. If it’s not one thing it’s another. She’s been through hell, and deserves a break. I feel like winter is going to be tough on her. More so than most. I wish I could take her pain away.
Well blog, I’ve got no complaints. My life is a marshmallow; warm, soft and inviting. I’ve got to keep doing my job, and putting my feet in front of each other every day.
I am glad to be making new Christmas memories with Amanda. I value her immensely, and am grateful for the stability she brings my world. It got me thinking about how much like a mirror I can be in relationships. I imagine myself walking on eggshells with my exes. Any true honesty or revealing conversations would incite hostilities. Amanda and I can talk about anything without fighting. I think it’s because she has no inclination to argue as a means of coping with feelings. She just tells me what’s on her mind. I even ask her periodically if she has anything she wants to bring up to me, and we have a frank discussion. Things are strong between us. We saved each other, and we could not hope to be as far along the road to recovery if not for our friendship. I see what a rare and beautiful person she is.
We had another good talk today. We shared our hurt feelings left behind by exes. The lament unrequited. But we both know that we don’t live in that past anymore. We are a part of a curious new future. There are many fun things still left to do.
All in all I’m doing good. I can’t tell you how rewarding it feels to be grounded in reality with Amanda. She said that she gets a lot of strength from me, which is funny, because I could say the same about her. I guess we can be happy being rocks for each other. Sounds like a plan to me.
I have been thinking about all the things I could be doing if I had more energy. There are times for excess and there are times when survival is paramount.
My schedule is tough. I get up and struggle to go in to work. It’s a good thing I don’t hate what I do. I feel important. I have built good relationships with several other muckity-mucks.
I am having confidence issues. Lately, I’ve been feeling remote from my girlfriend. She is in her own struggle right now, and I wonder if I’m helping. I think I do. My mind is not fully sound. I have my own anxieties.
I guess my energy is depleting faster than I though it would. I’m just trying to hold it together for the next few weeks. I need the extra money badly. Hopefully I can tread water for that long.
It wasn’t too bad at work today. I was fortunate to draw a good crew and we took care of our shit. Time went by slowly, however. My energy was largely preserved through the afternoon.
Tomorrow we are going to the zoo, which should be fun. It’s been a while since I was there. I used to be a visitor assistance officer during the first summer of post high school. Before I moved to Santa Barbara.
I’m happy to be able to relax. I feel good right now and that’s nice. I told Amanda that I was happy with my life. I like what I am building with her. We are a good team. I’ve never felt more sure if her status as a partner in our relationship. I want her to know that she is the priority. Today she told me that she wanted to go to the zoo tomorrow, but because football is on, didn’t know if I wanted to. I’m my mind, there isn’t an argument about the best choice, because it’s obvious. Spending valuable family time together and making memories, or watching sports? She told me Jesse (her ex husbsnd) would decline things like that to stay home and play computer games I guess. He and I are vastly different individuals.
So it’s winding down to the end of the day, which happens sooner and sooner until we hit the solstice and then head back in the right direction. It’s going to be high 70s and low 80s this next week. Wintertime in San Diego. Eat it Wisconsin.
9.5 hours is best spent busy, so that minutes do not agonize forward at an insufficient speed. I’m much better off that way. Boredom is frustrating.
I think things are going well. I have no complaints about the way my life is going. My energy has been ok. I avoid smoking after 4:00 pm or so on weekdays. I’ve found that it’s significantly harder to get up and go the next morning. I need allies during those first few moments of awareness, not enemies. If I get to sleep in I say fuck it and smoke till I pass out. This is a gross exaggeration of the facts.
I’ve gotten back into Edain now that a couple new factions have been patched (Dwarves and Lothlorien). I really like the elves. Getting to silverthorn arrows quickly is key to victory. They have no cavalry, which I am pleased with, and three different types of archer. The top tier one is gross. They knockback cavalry before they can be trampled. It’s fun to watch. Dwarves I’m still figuring out. I don’t like MMing battlewagons. It’s irritating.
I worked my way through the entire 1 v 1 map list with the AI set on hard, and I’m starting from the top with it set for brutal. I have won five games, but I’m stuck on Brandywine. Brutal gets after you pretty fast. They just dial up the flow and hope they can smother you in bottom tier units. I’ve found victory in holing off my destruction long enough to get elite units out in devastating quantities. I won most with Gondor/Arnor.
I have been trying to keep myself entertained so that I don’t slide. I’m afraid of my mood dipping because of my circumstances and depreciating energy levels. I’m doing the best I can to stay proactive. Games help. They allow me to develop a plan and fund its creation. RTS is truly my genre for this reason. And to have one so deeply entrenched in a fantasy universe that I adore? Perfection. And the game is only getting better as time goes on, with Angmar waiting in the wings to be released soon.
Will is just now getting back into WoW. I’m kinda over it for the time being. I did a lot of work in that game. I leveled my professions to max, and then dropped one, and leveled the new one to max. I’m not in to never ending RPG right now. Not the right kind of thinking involved. I need something more encompassing and grandiose.
Well, anyway. I have to work tomorrow. But I get the rest of the month off. I get an extra hour of sleep. At least.
I have found, that when the main reason for having a relationship is sex, that things tend to fall apart after the passion is gone. I have had to learn this lesson three times in order to “get it.” But finally I did.
A negative pattern has persisted through my adolescence. I got into my relationship with Jennifer for sex. And we had a lot of it. But she hated who I was, and told me as much. Once the fire went out, we saw how different we were, and what we had been blinded to. Emelia was much the same. We had the passion for each other, but we were different people. She had very little control of herself deep down inside. We grew apart until a culminating event split us in two. You’d think I would have learned after having been assaulted. I did it a third time with Jax. I barely knew anything about her, and I was inviting her into my bed.
I think I got things right with Amanda. We built this relationship on honesty, trust and friendship. I always want to be the guy who has her back. I care about her deeply, and I see who she is. This is someone I love, not for lust, but for stability. I finally feel at home when I get off work. I belong in this life. I have been missing out for most of my days, but now I have it.
There was never a burning bright fire. I was never solely focused on my physical desires. I learned first, then fell in love after I knew more. The sex with Amanda is great, but it’s not everything. It isn’t the pillar that holds up our relationship. Having things keep us up that are not lust or passion has been the better choice. I have been with Amanda for just under 11 months. We haven’t fought or been angry with each other at any point along the journey here. This is all such uncharted territory. I’m used to problems rising up by this time.
It’s difficult to let go of how insanely good that passion felt. Joy unlike any other. Highest of high points. Carelessly, recklessly in lust. But it’s poison. For all the good times it delivers, it punishes tenfold. Heartbreak of a deep and powerful nature. I am nearly two years removed from my last, but the pain still haunts me.
We should endevor to learn to avoid destruction. I’ve suffered through great pain in my past, and vowed not to repeat it for the future. I spent the better part of 15 years figuring this out. But maybe you already know not to do what I have done. I didn’t listen to my mind when I needed to. I listened to something else.
Today was slower. My mind was in a sort of fog for most of the day. Work was stressful. It was a long day.
But alas, it is over. This time of year always makes me feel fuzzy. I wear my snowman pants. It gets cold outside, and I go under the comforter. We have a heater in the apartment, so we will never be frigid. But those waking moments at 4 when I first get out of bed in my underwear and stumble into the bathroom to turn the shower on… fucking cold. I know most of you out there live in a place where winter actually happens. I do not. I get the cold desert night, with all the warmth bleeding off into outer space. It doesn’t snow very often, cold systems barely make it this far south with any strength left. It’s been a while since we had a good storm. So I’m complaining in my own way, even though most of you suffer more. I’m a lizard. I need the heat to survive. My feet are cold and dead all the time now.
I talked to Margaret about my upwellings of emotional things that were happening to me at work and in other places. Music was triggering them a lot. Songs that reminded me of times with Jax. Then I got to thinking about her, and wondering what path life had taken for her. I even went as far as to indulge that interest and I read her blog. I regret that. I shouldn’t be giving those thoughts any traction. I, ultimately, don’t care what happens to her. She is a scar on my past, a wound that is all but healed. Only the ache remains. I don’t know what the trigger has been lately. I think I’m more run-down because I have been sliding, not climbing. It has been a depreciating energy sum of late. I am wearing down, yes this is true, but not at a rapid pace. Eventually, maybe several months down the road, I would be in trouble. But this most recent push will likely only last until early January. Then the OT ends, and I go back to a lighter schedule. As it were.
Amanda goes to see her doctor tomorrow. I think she will get a boost to her anxiety med because she’s not at a full dose of it yet and feeling fewer benefits. The depression symptoms have sort of leveled off. I think that’s good. We’re not losing ground anymore. Things are going to be ok. All good things take time to grow. Prosperity is the goal.
I find my overall energy level dwindling as the days go by. I’m pushing myself hard at work. I’m there for 9.5 hours a day. It took some adjusting to, but I’ve got a handle on the new flow. The only thing that worries me are my diminishing returns on my energy. It will eventually be to small to sustain the life I am living. But I think that day is far away from now. It’s not something I’m overly concerned with, but cautious of. I have crashed and burned several times by taking on more than I could handle.
At home things are strained but progressing. Amanda is going through a hormone induced depressive cycle. She seems better today than yesterday. I’m worried about her happiness. I don’t think she’s remotely close to being happy. And what should one expect of a very depressed person? I have no timetable. I just really wish I could make her feel good inside. I don’t have that power, regardless of my attributes. She had to come to a place of understanding by herself, with me there to support and encourage. She deserves to be full of joy. We are on the road that leads to that place, and the journey is long. We will persevere.
I am reminded of how thankful I am to have met Amanda and Tristan. They have been one of the best things to happen in my life so far. The stability, kinship and happiness I receive is hard to put a value on. It’s nourishing, and it gives me reason. I am driven to strive for more than I ever have before. I do it to better my life with her, to make it strong and help it grow. I think this newest shape of my life is easily the most prosperous. I am grateful, but I don’t know who to thank.
I am slogging through. It feels hard, probably because it is. I want to talk to Margaret about my Jax feelings being an extension of the remnants of the passion I felt when I was with her. I know that fire is not sustainable, and blinds us to the truth. But it filled my brain with dizzying joy. I guess I just remember what it felt like to burn. I have put the passion I have for Amanda in a box because of her depression.I still fantasize about her all the time; I just masturbate a lot. I know now is not the time for the heat of flame, but the steady glow of embers.
I’m going to bed. My energy level is at its lowest point. Time to recharge until my alarm goes off at 4:00 am.