I find my overall energy level dwindling as the days go by. I’m pushing myself hard at work. I’m there for 9.5 hours a day. It took some adjusting to, but I’ve got a handle on the new flow. The only thing that worries me are my diminishing returns on my energy. It will eventually be to small to sustain the life I am living. But I think that day is far away from now. It’s not something I’m overly concerned with, but cautious of. I have crashed and burned several times by taking on more than I could handle.
At home things are strained but progressing. Amanda is going through a hormone induced depressive cycle. She seems better today than yesterday. I’m worried about her happiness. I don’t think she’s remotely close to being happy. And what should one expect of a very depressed person? I have no timetable. I just really wish I could make her feel good inside. I don’t have that power, regardless of my attributes. She had to come to a place of understanding by herself, with me there to support and encourage. She deserves to be full of joy. We are on the road that leads to that place, and the journey is long. We will persevere.
I am reminded of how thankful I am to have met Amanda and Tristan. They have been one of the best things to happen in my life so far. The stability, kinship and happiness I receive is hard to put a value on. It’s nourishing, and it gives me reason. I am driven to strive for more than I ever have before. I do it to better my life with her, to make it strong and help it grow. I think this newest shape of my life is easily the most prosperous. I am grateful, but I don’t know who to thank.
I am slogging through. It feels hard, probably because it is. I want to talk to Margaret about my Jax feelings being an extension of the remnants of the passion I felt when I was with her. I know that fire is not sustainable, and blinds us to the truth. But it filled my brain with dizzying joy. I guess I just remember what it felt like to burn. I have put the passion I have for Amanda in a box because of her depression.I still fantasize about her all the time; I just masturbate a lot. I know now is not the time for the heat of flame, but the steady glow of embers.
I’m going to bed. My energy level is at its lowest point. Time to recharge until my alarm goes off at 4:00 am.