Today was slower. My mind was in a sort of fog for most of the day. Work was stressful. It was a long day.
But alas, it is over. This time of year always makes me feel fuzzy. I wear my snowman pants. It gets cold outside, and I go under the comforter. We have a heater in the apartment, so we will never be frigid. But those waking moments at 4 when I first get out of bed in my underwear and stumble into the bathroom to turn the shower on… fucking cold. I know most of you out there live in a place where winter actually happens. I do not. I get the cold desert night, with all the warmth bleeding off into outer space. It doesn’t snow very often, cold systems barely make it this far south with any strength left. It’s been a while since we had a good storm. So I’m complaining in my own way, even though most of you suffer more. I’m a lizard. I need the heat to survive. My feet are cold and dead all the time now.
I talked to Margaret about my upwellings of emotional things that were happening to me at work and in other places. Music was triggering them a lot. Songs that reminded me of times with Jax. Then I got to thinking about her, and wondering what path life had taken for her. I even went as far as to indulge that interest and I read her blog. I regret that. I shouldn’t be giving those thoughts any traction. I, ultimately, don’t care what happens to her. She is a scar on my past, a wound that is all but healed. Only the ache remains. I don’t know what the trigger has been lately. I think I’m more run-down because I have been sliding, not climbing. It has been a depreciating energy sum of late. I am wearing down, yes this is true, but not at a rapid pace. Eventually, maybe several months down the road, I would be in trouble. But this most recent push will likely only last until early January. Then the OT ends, and I go back to a lighter schedule. As it were.
Amanda goes to see her doctor tomorrow. I think she will get a boost to her anxiety med because she’s not at a full dose of it yet and feeling fewer benefits. The depression symptoms have sort of leveled off. I think that’s good. We’re not losing ground anymore. Things are going to be ok. All good things take time to grow. Prosperity is the goal.