The Pillar

I have found, that when the main reason for having a relationship is sex, that things tend to fall apart after the passion is gone. I have had to learn this lesson three times in order to “get it.” But finally I did. 

A negative pattern has persisted through my adolescence. I got into my relationship with Jennifer for sex. And we had a lot of it. But she hated who I was, and told me as much. Once the fire went out, we saw how different we were, and what we had been blinded to. Emelia was much the same. We had the passion for each other, but we were different people. She had very little control of herself deep down inside. We grew apart until a culminating event split us in two. You’d think I would have learned after having been assaulted. I did it a third time with Jax. I barely knew anything about her, and I was inviting her into my bed. 

I think I got things right with Amanda. We built this relationship on honesty, trust and friendship. I always want to be the guy who has her back. I care about her deeply, and I see who she is. This is someone I love, not for lust, but for stability. I finally feel at home when I get off work. I belong in this life. I have been missing out for most of my days, but now I have it. 

There was never a burning bright fire. I was never solely focused on my physical desires. I learned first, then fell in love after I knew more. The sex with Amanda is great, but it’s not everything. It isn’t the pillar that holds up our relationship. Having things keep us up that are not lust or passion has been the better choice. I have been with Amanda for just under 11 months. We haven’t fought or been angry with each other at any point along the journey here. This is all such uncharted territory. I’m used to problems rising up by this time. 

It’s difficult to let go of how insanely good that passion felt. Joy unlike any other. Highest of high points. Carelessly, recklessly in lust. But it’s poison. For all the good times it delivers, it punishes tenfold. Heartbreak of a deep and powerful nature. I am nearly two years removed from my last, but the pain still haunts me. 

We should endevor to learn to avoid destruction. I’ve suffered through great pain in my past, and vowed not to repeat it for the future. I spent the better part of 15 years figuring this out. But maybe you already know not to do what I have done. I didn’t listen to my mind when I needed to. I listened to something else.