Stricken

I’m having an anxiety attack. I feel a pressing weight on my chest, my pulse is up, I’m twitchy and sweaty and I feel an overwhelming sense of dread. But what am I anxious about? 

Sometimes neurochemical things happen and I experience symptoms that seem to have no origin event or trigger. There are days where I wake up and feel like barbecued ass, right from the get-go. There’s no reason for it, and there’s no escaping it. I’ve had times like this in the past, and I’m growing more familiar with them. 

The best thing for me to do is express. I’m struggling with physical symptoms, but I know that it will pass soon. I will go to bed and when I wake up, things will be better. It’s not the ideal solution, mind you. I drank some kava tea and tried some breathing exercises, but that only temporarily distracted me from my feelings. Once I was idling, it all came back. My fear has no face or name. 

I expect that being mentally ill isn’t a walk in the park. Things are bound to happen that perturb the regular course of events. I just hope to be able to face those times (and this one) with dignity. I don’t want to be huddled in the corner surrendering to it, but continuing to lead my life regardless. It just gets harder when symptoms happen. 

Thanks for helping me process. It really does help to just write things down. Even if there is no direct thought or trigger to rationalize, just describing the predicament is useful. It gets the spinning thoughts to slow down and be documented. There are times when I get anxious that feel so out of control. It helps to be grounded by words. 

I’m sure I will be fine in not too long. 

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