It took me a while to clear the cobwebs this morning. I did party pretty hard Sunday. One coffee proved to not be enough.
I’m doing fine. I just had a really slow start today, and my shift seemed to drag on at times. I did manage to hang in there, despite increasing desires to flee. It’s really hard Monday morning. Gets easier from there.
I’ve been gaming and looking after my fantasy teams. Things are going well. I’m working my way through the map list in Edain with the AI on brutal. I’m stuck on a map that seems ludicrously stacked against me. Not sure how to win on that one. I’m going to the post season in both leagues again this year. I have the lead in one two-week game. The farther I lead the more secure my next week. Gotta win four games in a row to be a champion.
Amanda is still having a hard time. She didn’t go in today, and may not go in tomorrow. She’s missed almost two weeks. It’s a bummer to see her suffering so badly. If it’s not one thing it’s another. She’s been through hell, and deserves a break. I feel like winter is going to be tough on her. More so than most. I wish I could take her pain away.
Well blog, I’ve got no complaints. My life is a marshmallow; warm, soft and inviting. I’ve got to keep doing my job, and putting my feet in front of each other every day.
I am glad to be making new Christmas memories with Amanda. I value her immensely, and am grateful for the stability she brings my world. It got me thinking about how much like a mirror I can be in relationships. I imagine myself walking on eggshells with my exes. Any true honesty or revealing conversations would incite hostilities. Amanda and I can talk about anything without fighting. I think it’s because she has no inclination to argue as a means of coping with feelings. She just tells me what’s on her mind. I even ask her periodically if she has anything she wants to bring up to me, and we have a frank discussion. Things are strong between us. We saved each other, and we could not hope to be as far along the road to recovery if not for our friendship. I see what a rare and beautiful person she is.
We had another good talk today. We shared our hurt feelings left behind by exes. The lament unrequited. But we both know that we don’t live in that past anymore. We are a part of a curious new future. There are many fun things still left to do.
All in all I’m doing good. I can’t tell you how rewarding it feels to be grounded in reality with Amanda. She said that she gets a lot of strength from me, which is funny, because I could say the same about her. I guess we can be happy being rocks for each other. Sounds like a plan to me.
I have been thinking about all the things I could be doing if I had more energy. There are times for excess and there are times when survival is paramount.
My schedule is tough. I get up and struggle to go in to work. It’s a good thing I don’t hate what I do. I feel important. I have built good relationships with several other muckity-mucks.
I am having confidence issues. Lately, I’ve been feeling remote from my girlfriend. She is in her own struggle right now, and I wonder if I’m helping. I think I do. My mind is not fully sound. I have my own anxieties.
I guess my energy is depleting faster than I though it would. I’m just trying to hold it together for the next few weeks. I need the extra money badly. Hopefully I can tread water for that long.
It wasn’t too bad at work today. I was fortunate to draw a good crew and we took care of our shit. Time went by slowly, however. My energy was largely preserved through the afternoon.
Tomorrow we are going to the zoo, which should be fun. It’s been a while since I was there. I used to be a visitor assistance officer during the first summer of post high school. Before I moved to Santa Barbara.
I’m happy to be able to relax. I feel good right now and that’s nice. I told Amanda that I was happy with my life. I like what I am building with her. We are a good team. I’ve never felt more sure if her status as a partner in our relationship. I want her to know that she is the priority. Today she told me that she wanted to go to the zoo tomorrow, but because football is on, didn’t know if I wanted to. I’m my mind, there isn’t an argument about the best choice, because it’s obvious. Spending valuable family time together and making memories, or watching sports? She told me Jesse (her ex husbsnd) would decline things like that to stay home and play computer games I guess. He and I are vastly different individuals.
So it’s winding down to the end of the day, which happens sooner and sooner until we hit the solstice and then head back in the right direction. It’s going to be high 70s and low 80s this next week. Wintertime in San Diego. Eat it Wisconsin.
9.5 hours is best spent busy, so that minutes do not agonize forward at an insufficient speed. I’m much better off that way. Boredom is frustrating.
I think things are going well. I have no complaints about the way my life is going. My energy has been ok. I avoid smoking after 4:00 pm or so on weekdays. I’ve found that it’s significantly harder to get up and go the next morning. I need allies during those first few moments of awareness, not enemies. If I get to sleep in I say fuck it and smoke till I pass out. This is a gross exaggeration of the facts.
I’ve gotten back into Edain now that a couple new factions have been patched (Dwarves and Lothlorien). I really like the elves. Getting to silverthorn arrows quickly is key to victory. They have no cavalry, which I am pleased with, and three different types of archer. The top tier one is gross. They knockback cavalry before they can be trampled. It’s fun to watch. Dwarves I’m still figuring out. I don’t like MMing battlewagons. It’s irritating.
I worked my way through the entire 1 v 1 map list with the AI set on hard, and I’m starting from the top with it set for brutal. I have won five games, but I’m stuck on Brandywine. Brutal gets after you pretty fast. They just dial up the flow and hope they can smother you in bottom tier units. I’ve found victory in holing off my destruction long enough to get elite units out in devastating quantities. I won most with Gondor/Arnor.
I have been trying to keep myself entertained so that I don’t slide. I’m afraid of my mood dipping because of my circumstances and depreciating energy levels. I’m doing the best I can to stay proactive. Games help. They allow me to develop a plan and fund its creation. RTS is truly my genre for this reason. And to have one so deeply entrenched in a fantasy universe that I adore? Perfection. And the game is only getting better as time goes on, with Angmar waiting in the wings to be released soon.
Will is just now getting back into WoW. I’m kinda over it for the time being. I did a lot of work in that game. I leveled my professions to max, and then dropped one, and leveled the new one to max. I’m not in to never ending RPG right now. Not the right kind of thinking involved. I need something more encompassing and grandiose.
Well, anyway. I have to work tomorrow. But I get the rest of the month off. I get an extra hour of sleep. At least.
I have found, that when the main reason for having a relationship is sex, that things tend to fall apart after the passion is gone. I have had to learn this lesson three times in order to “get it.” But finally I did.
A negative pattern has persisted through my adolescence. I got into my relationship with Jennifer for sex. And we had a lot of it. But she hated who I was, and told me as much. Once the fire went out, we saw how different we were, and what we had been blinded to. Emelia was much the same. We had the passion for each other, but we were different people. She had very little control of herself deep down inside. We grew apart until a culminating event split us in two. You’d think I would have learned after having been assaulted. I did it a third time with Jax. I barely knew anything about her, and I was inviting her into my bed.
I think I got things right with Amanda. We built this relationship on honesty, trust and friendship. I always want to be the guy who has her back. I care about her deeply, and I see who she is. This is someone I love, not for lust, but for stability. I finally feel at home when I get off work. I belong in this life. I have been missing out for most of my days, but now I have it.
There was never a burning bright fire. I was never solely focused on my physical desires. I learned first, then fell in love after I knew more. The sex with Amanda is great, but it’s not everything. It isn’t the pillar that holds up our relationship. Having things keep us up that are not lust or passion has been the better choice. I have been with Amanda for just under 11 months. We haven’t fought or been angry with each other at any point along the journey here. This is all such uncharted territory. I’m used to problems rising up by this time.
It’s difficult to let go of how insanely good that passion felt. Joy unlike any other. Highest of high points. Carelessly, recklessly in lust. But it’s poison. For all the good times it delivers, it punishes tenfold. Heartbreak of a deep and powerful nature. I am nearly two years removed from my last, but the pain still haunts me.
We should endevor to learn to avoid destruction. I’ve suffered through great pain in my past, and vowed not to repeat it for the future. I spent the better part of 15 years figuring this out. But maybe you already know not to do what I have done. I didn’t listen to my mind when I needed to. I listened to something else.
Today was slower. My mind was in a sort of fog for most of the day. Work was stressful. It was a long day.
But alas, it is over. This time of year always makes me feel fuzzy. I wear my snowman pants. It gets cold outside, and I go under the comforter. We have a heater in the apartment, so we will never be frigid. But those waking moments at 4 when I first get out of bed in my underwear and stumble into the bathroom to turn the shower on… fucking cold. I know most of you out there live in a place where winter actually happens. I do not. I get the cold desert night, with all the warmth bleeding off into outer space. It doesn’t snow very often, cold systems barely make it this far south with any strength left. It’s been a while since we had a good storm. So I’m complaining in my own way, even though most of you suffer more. I’m a lizard. I need the heat to survive. My feet are cold and dead all the time now.
I talked to Margaret about my upwellings of emotional things that were happening to me at work and in other places. Music was triggering them a lot. Songs that reminded me of times with Jax. Then I got to thinking about her, and wondering what path life had taken for her. I even went as far as to indulge that interest and I read her blog. I regret that. I shouldn’t be giving those thoughts any traction. I, ultimately, don’t care what happens to her. She is a scar on my past, a wound that is all but healed. Only the ache remains. I don’t know what the trigger has been lately. I think I’m more run-down because I have been sliding, not climbing. It has been a depreciating energy sum of late. I am wearing down, yes this is true, but not at a rapid pace. Eventually, maybe several months down the road, I would be in trouble. But this most recent push will likely only last until early January. Then the OT ends, and I go back to a lighter schedule. As it were.
Amanda goes to see her doctor tomorrow. I think she will get a boost to her anxiety med because she’s not at a full dose of it yet and feeling fewer benefits. The depression symptoms have sort of leveled off. I think that’s good. We’re not losing ground anymore. Things are going to be ok. All good things take time to grow. Prosperity is the goal.