Score: +3

 Today was an improvement over yesterday to be sure. I got things done and we took the boy to the park. It has been an eventful day off, and just about over now as I write this. Tomorrow I work, and that will likely be pretty dull. I wish I was getting two days off instead of just one. 

I still have those sad thoughts, but I reflect on them briefly before letting them go. I notice, and release. The feelings can’t stay if I don’t feed them my attention, so they move on. Back into the darkness. 

I’m tired. This is the last thing I will do tonight. 


Score: +1.5

Big decline today. I have been having thoughts about my exes, flashes from the past that come back at me in stark contrast to reality. It’s not an accurate representation of the past, because it neglects the context and carries on only the peaks of happiness. I’m distinctly aware that my life now is far less turbulent as my life has been for most of it, so the exhilaration of the “ride” is gone. Don’t get me wrong, I would MUCH rather have the stability I have now compared to said ride. I lived from peak emotion to trough, over and over again. It has been that way for more than half of my life. Until just recently, I was unable to do anything but ride the ride and hope it all worked out. I tried various medication cocktails, and different doctors, and it all failed. I tried to kill myself just a couple years ago. So, to have those two years of stability is, frankly, amazing. I feel better and more confident than I ever have before, and I’m proud of what I do and who I am as a person. I have accomplished a lot in that short time. But it’s not the ride. These memories are reminders of what life felt like when things were out of control. I have done good things, and bad things, but it’s the good things that hurt the most from these past relationships. They remind me of the acute presence of love, the way I first understood it, as passionate and present and totally unique depending on who she was. I still remember it all very well, so it’s easy for my mind to recall something quite relevant. It saddens me, because I blame myself for things that happened, things I was responsible for and failed to do. It reminds me of how it all fell apart, and what went wrong and why. Like reliving a box score from the game over and over again, hoping somehow the numbers will change, and your team would win. But it’s already written and done. The past is over, and the part of me that used to feel that love, or lust, or whatever hybrid of those two things is dead, and empty. It’s a hollow place that these emotions bounce around inside echoing on and on into the deepest depths of the emptiness, until they fade and are gone. It’s a place that will never be full again, and I know this to be the truth, and that the emptiness is a burden I must carry as penance for the things I have done to myself to place these tragedies in my history. I will never be rid of the reminders of my past, so I must find an alternative method of coping with them. I cannot establish a trend of being crippled by recollections of things that happened that mean NOTHING to the present. Here and now, none of that has anything to do with what I’m doing. It’s not possible to forget those things, and I guess, I should not want to, because I am still responsible for everything I remember. I must own what I have been through in order to move ahead as a whole person. I know I can get through this, but the way I was feeling today was not good, and I needed to start my weekend a little early, considering I only get 1 day off. So I needed to get all that out there. It has been crushing me down the last few days as I grapple with how not to bludgeon myself over these things.

When Do We Break?

Score: +3

Sometimes I wonder about my energy over the long haul. I’m really pushing myself to go the extra distance in my life, and I seem to be mostly stable. There are underlying hints that there are cracks in the glass: I get sudden rushes of heartbreak and sadness from my past still, most every day. Sometimes it just comes back, but the typical culprit to recollection is music. The right song can have a significant impact, bringing the past into the present in an instant. Other than those emotional upwellings, things are solid. I’ve never felt more secure in my life. Money is a little tight right now, but my next paycheck should remedy that. Just have to survive until Thursday. 

Amanda is finally getting results from her psychiatrist. She’s going off the problematic antipsychotic and up on the helpful mood stabilizer. The carb retention has become overwhelming for her. We don’t have the best diet, but we do pretty good. We’re not eating crap all the time, just every once and a while. I think once she starts losing weight, that she will feel better. Right now her self confidence is low because she resents the way she looks. Personally, I find her attractive regardless of how much she weighs, but my words don’t change how she feels about herself right now. At least she got through to the doctor. 

I guess I’m a little bit scared about what might be coming for me. I have this dread that something bad is going to happen. Is there any evidence to support this fear? No, not really. I just sit here at night sometimes and wonder. I am continuing to push forward for a better life for me and Amanda. She needs my help to get through this tough spot. Together, I do not think we will fail. Instead, I believe we will prove to be a force to be reckoned with. 

Behind Curtains

Score: +3

I was right not to doubt when I posted last night. I had a rock solid day today, got through my shif uninhibited and felt positive by the end. I did have some bad feelings come up, but then they went away. Like an emotional burp. 

I spent time answering phone calls today because the ticketing systems were so up to date. 

I find that I move my hair out of my eyes about 8,000 times a day. Having hair this long is pretty new to me. I’m usually a buzz cut guy, but no more. Now the mission is pony tail. So I’m still getting used to life from behind my partially closed curtains. Good thing I have wide-rimmed glasses, because they consistently deflect my hair’s incursions into my field of view. 

We got our new e-cigs today and mine is unbelievably rad. It hits like a semi and looks like a bazooka. I feel much more secure now with this unit, and it’s up to me to make sure it gets treated properly. 

My life seems to be going good. Things are hard for Amanda and I right now, but we haven’t given up and won’t. I know we can get to a better place. We are in the business of small steps, and to do that every day is all the victory we need. As long as the forward march continues, we are going to be ok. I love Amanda, and I have her back through whatever happens. 

It’s rewarding… being there for someone. It’s a strong and quiet type of reward, because I know in my heart that I’m doing a good thing. I have no ulterior motive or manipulation in store. This is my devotion, pure and simple. I am committed to this woman and I think we can live happily for a long time. I intend to get her smile back, because she deserves it. We all need to feel happy in our lives. It’s what I live for. 

I hope turbulent heartbreak thoughts are not going to be a problem this week. I’m just trying to get in the flow. The week has only just begun. 

Breathe In

Score: +3.5

Productive day off today as we cleaned the apartment top to bottom. It only took a couple of hours, and everything smells nice again. I like doing work to clean up. It’s rewarding and makes me feel responsible for my space. 

I’m sad that I only got one real day off this week, and the same story next weekend when I work Sunday. The next two weeks are going to be a good test for me to see if I can go to work every day and feel good. I really think, as of tonight, that I am certain to go back full steam ahead, and hammer out next week without hesitation or absence. I am confident that I will wake up in the morning and be ready for a full day’s work. I like what I do there, I feel involved and needed. I do work at a high level on greatly important issues both within the company and from our clients. I handle all Einstein’s Bros Bagles and Caribou Coffee for all of North America. I have good relationships with the liaisons for each company, and the project managers they work with for my company. I’m their guy who gets shit done. I also work with corporate Raising Cane’s and handle all their exchange requests and dispatches. That’s just some of it… the list of people I work with goes on, and changes from time to time. Good evidence here for me to feel relevant. 

I did my taxes, and I should be getting $1800 back. Not bad for a low income fella such as I am. There is this stunning Amatrine crystal on eBay I want to get. It’s fucking gorgeous. Deep purple and red with shattered flecks of orange.  It had me from the thumbnail. It’s really expensive though. Really. 

Amanda and I both ordered new E-Cigs from this American vape company. I have been afraid of the possibility of incorrectly charging our lithium-ion batteries with non standard chargers and having the batteries blow up in our hands or near our faces or something. It’s happened a lot, and mostly because no one uses the correct charger for their battery and don’t follow the basic safety procedures. I personally don’t trust the setup we have now, so we went ahead and ordered new ones to be safe. That way, they come from a reputable manufacturer and we get the right equipment for our needs. 

Amanda is hoping, like me, to get off to a good start tomorrow. She missed all of last week, and most of the week before. I know she wants to make herself go back, because she has pride and doesn’t like being out of comission. It would frustrate me too if I was unable to do what I needed to. I have been where she is and it is terrible. Paralyzing. Moving beyond it takes time, and a change of environment. Fortunately, we have started the process of getting s second opinion on Amanda’s meds, and maybe an appointment with a new doctor soon. She needs to have her whole medical situation overhauled. Using antipsychotics to be the primary treatment for major depression is not working out. 

Well blog, I filled today up with stuff. Tomorrow it’s back after it. Here’s hoping I wake up feeling ok. 

Go Go Go!!!

Score: +3

Well ever since the weekend I have been doing much better. I was in a little slump there for a while, but now I seem to have emerged. Up and on to better things. Work has been busy, and it seems to me like the hammer is falling on the majority of the drive thru agents in the call center. They are abusing the system and eventually that will catch up with them. I’m not personally concerned as this as the work I do around there just doesn’t get done unless I do it. My supervisors actually asked people to go into Kana and assign themselves some tickets. I highly doubt anyone will take them up on that offer. 

Amanda is struggling again. She has missed a lot of work and her body is in a bad way. I know she wishes she could be back and healthy, but I don’t know what’s next. It seems like there are just more and more things popping up as we go along. She is a strong person, and I know that we can get through this together. There are better days ahead. 

My week is half over now, with three more days to go. I’m in the flow. 

I was just telling Amanda how her personality has mellowed me, and taught me a great many things about patience. I have a much easier time at work being who I am now as opposed to who I was a year ago. I was s hard ass. Now I’m flying under the radar. I much prefer it this way, as my life has become a lot less stressful. I’ve adapted to my environment, like any evolved creature would. 

I’m very appreciative. My life has become dramatically better since meeting Amanda. I don’t know what the future holds for us. I have good cause to fear since we have run in to so many obstacles provided by the whims of random fate. I’m resolved to just do the best I can for as long as I can. Isn’t that all one could really ask for? 

Next Thing

Score: +3.5

Being busy all day is nice. Time really seems to zoom right along and that appeals to me. My queue was never fully caught up today, which means there will be plenty to do tomorrow. 

Ah Wednesday. It’s not really hump day when you have to work Saturday. 

Amanda and I had a good conversation about the weed today. I was hellbent on quitting, but Amanda thought that was a bad idea. She reflected that I was generally a more happy person when I was using, which I find a valid observation. She also said that I used too much, which I agreed with as well. I let things get out of control over the holidays. With restraint, the weed has more benefits than drawbacks. I am more motivated, less stressed and blissful while on it. For me, it’s not a downer, it’s an upper. Amanda didn’t want me to go through withdrawal, which is a general grumpiness and agitation for several days. I don’t blame her. So we resolved to moderate the intake, and continue using it as prescribed. 

I feel more like I have fallen into rhythm this week. I was 8 minutes late today, as this morning was a real bummer. I had a terrible time going to sleep last night. I was up a couple hours past when I needed to be asleep. Tonight I feel exhausted, so hopefully sleep will find me sooner rather than later. 

Tomorrow is another notch in the belt.