Sometimes I get to doubting myself, or my potential despite all my attempts to strive for confidence. I’m not 100% free of the harsh voice that demeans me; crushes me down. Most of the time, I have evidence to dispute such doubt, but not always. It’s not a crime to be afflicted, so I don’t judge myself for listening to what it has to say. I have a much longer pattern of trusting that skeptic than arguing with him.
My work week started today, and people either didn’t call at all, or all called in at once. When I was busy, I was swamped. Something rather unexpected happened however: the two championship games I thought I was going to lose, I won, and by wide margins. This was not expected, or even contemplated as possible. I told myself last night that I had an 85% chance to lose both games, 14% chance to split and a 1% chance to win both. See what I mean about that voice of doubt? I have never been a fantasy football champion, and I get to be twice in one day. After five years, and three 2nd place finishes, I’m in the fucking club.
It’s a remarkably good turn of fortune. I am glad things turned out this way, needless to say. I wasn’t expecting it at all. I still think bad things about myself sometimes. There are many subtle ways this doubt is expressed, however outnumbered by positives.