Sometimes I wonder about my energy over the long haul. I’m really pushing myself to go the extra distance in my life, and I seem to be mostly stable. There are underlying hints that there are cracks in the glass: I get sudden rushes of heartbreak and sadness from my past still, most every day. Sometimes it just comes back, but the typical culprit to recollection is music. The right song can have a significant impact, bringing the past into the present in an instant. Other than those emotional upwellings, things are solid. I’ve never felt more secure in my life. Money is a little tight right now, but my next paycheck should remedy that. Just have to survive until Thursday.
Amanda is finally getting results from her psychiatrist. She’s going off the problematic antipsychotic and up on the helpful mood stabilizer. The carb retention has become overwhelming for her. We don’t have the best diet, but we do pretty good. We’re not eating crap all the time, just every once and a while. I think once she starts losing weight, that she will feel better. Right now her self confidence is low because she resents the way she looks. Personally, I find her attractive regardless of how much she weighs, but my words don’t change how she feels about herself right now. At least she got through to the doctor.
I guess I’m a little bit scared about what might be coming for me. I have this dread that something bad is going to happen. Is there any evidence to support this fear? No, not really. I just sit here at night sometimes and wonder. I am continuing to push forward for a better life for me and Amanda. She needs my help to get through this tough spot. Together, I do not think we will fail. Instead, I believe we will prove to be a force to be reckoned with.